UPJOKE
policetrooperofficerconstablearrestpolicewomanlawmanpolice officerdetectiveinspectormanlawcrimemurdercop

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?

5 policemen. 3 to arrest the lightbulb for being broke and 2 to beat the room for being black.

Does everyone love to bake cakes for policemen?

Some do, some donut.

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Two Bulgarians are driving in a car. A policemen stops them: "we're looking for two pedophiles". The Bulgarians look at each other, and look back at the policeman:

"Okay, we'll do it!"

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Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.

First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captai...

Two Policemen

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

Two policemen . . .

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

How do policemen in Wisconsin talk to eachother?

With Mil-walkie talkies

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

Policemen & Firemen have one thing in common

Policemen & Firemen have one thing in common.

They all want to be Firemen.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

It was close to curfew in Soviet Russia, two policemen see a man running

One of the the policemen shoots the running man dead.

"Why did you do that? It isn't past curfew yet!" the other policeman asks

The other replies:

"I know where he lives, he wasn't gonna make it"

Policemen are great at Volleyball, guess why?

They serve and protect.

Why do politsiya travel in threes?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Suddenly, three policemen burst in from behind.

Policeman A: "What did you say? Produce ID!"

(passes the documents to policeman B)

"Read their names!"

(turns to policeman C)

"Write...

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

Two policemen are walking through a park and see how a young man is putting an apple core in a plastic bag.

Then he takes another apple, eats it and puts the core in the bag again.

So they approach him: "Excuse me, why do you return the apple cores back in the plastic bag when there's a garbage bin next to you?"

He says: "When I get home, I'll take the apple seeds out of them and eat them. I...

Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.

Man: I know, but she has a great personality.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

Two policemen on the door of a local man they know

"Good evening," they say when he answers. "We just found a man dead in the park and we came around here because we thought it might be you."

"How big was he?" asks the local man.

"He was about your size."

"Was he wearing a pair of jeans?"

"Yes, he was."

"Did he ha...

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Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging...

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What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?

One is popcorn.

The other is cop porn.

What do policemen not like to find in their drinks?

Just ice

Few policemen were chasing a thief on the run. Thief ran into a deserted warehouse and police followed him there.

After searching the entire warehouse police could not find the thief and there were no other exits. In frustration, police officer kicked one of the boxes and cat started to meow from inside. Officer kicked another box and dog started to bark from inside. Officer kicked one more box but no sound cam...

Why are American policemen so bad at night raids?

They don't know where to shoot first when everything is black.

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are ...

The policemen were talking over the radio:

Mr. Sargeant, we arrived at the crime location

*What's the situation over there?*, asked the sargeant over the radio

A woman just killed its husband. He was stabbed 35 times, shot twice, asphixiated, decapitated and then burned.

*And what was the reason for such an atrocious cr...

Why don't policemen like Christmas cake?

....
....

Because it could be stollen.

Why do policemen suck at 8-ball pool?

Because they always shoot the 8 first

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Two Policemen with a Dog are standing outside of a Pub.

A drunk guy comes out of the pub, lifts the dogs tail and looks at it. Than he just shakes his head and leaves.
After a few minutes another guy comes out and does the same thing.
The Policemen just wonder and say nothing.
When a third guy looks at the dog in this way, they stop him and ask ...

What do you call twin policemen?

Copies.

Two policemen knocked on the front door

Guy answers. One Policeman says "Mr Smith?". Guy says "Yes, that's me. How can I help?". Policeman: "Well sir, it looks like your wife has been involved in a bad car accident". Guy replies "I know, but she's got a lovely personality".

3 policemen are sent to investigate a murder case.

3 policemen are sent to investigate a murder case. One American, one Chinese and one Indian.

They approach the cave where the corpse is laying and immediately notice a horrid stench coming from the cave.
The Chinese policeman goes in first, and after a mere 10 seconds inside he runs out vo...

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Why do policemen aim at the tires of runaway cars?

Because it is fundamental in bringing the vehicle to a complete halt.

Not because they are black. You racist fuck.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

How do you choose a stupid policeman from a group of policemen?

At random.

How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.
A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:

*Do you know how deeps is the water here? Will i be able to drive through?*

*Sure you can! It’s really shallow!* - one of the policemen answers

The farmer drives his pic...

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

Mounted police unit got two new horses

Policemen assigned to them are unsure how they'll be able to tell them apart and as such which policeman gets to ride which horse. They debate various ways to distinguish them but none are satisfactory. Then one realizes they can simply cut off the tail on one and voila! a distinguishing mark. So th...

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would ...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river and screams for help. Two police officers are standing nearby, but they are just ignoring him. The man does not know, what to do, and so with his last attempt, shouts: "The president is an idiot!". Immediately after the police officers heard this, they pull...

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven. One chief of police to oversee it, and 10 cops to beat the lightbulb until it wants to change.

I hate people that take drugs

You know, customs officers and policemen.

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the e...

A cop pulls someone over for doing 130 in a 50 zone

"Your drivers licence please" he asks. The man he just pulled over replies "Sorry I can't, it's in the glove box together with an unregistered firearm". "Really? You know that I have to search the vehicle now?"
"Oh please don't, I just shot my coworker and put his corpse in the boot"
The polic...

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them.
The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says:
"I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hi...

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

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A joke translated from Romanian

Two policemen were sitting in the office. One of them kept sniffing and tasting his nails.

The second one asked, „What are you doing?“.

„I am trying to figure out if this thing under my nails is shit or mud.“

The second one said, „Let me see!“ and proceeded to taste it. „It‘s de...

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A young black man finds a genie in a lamp..

A young American black man finds a genie in a lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie emerges, exclaiming “All behold the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is tremendous, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

The black man says “Ok... For my firs...

A father calls his son in prison and tells him he’s getting to old to dig his garden

A few days later 20 policemen turn up at his fathers house and proceed to dig up the whole garden.
The father calls his son in prison and tells him what happened.
His son says “that’s ok dad I told one of the wardens I hid the stolen jewels in your garden “

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

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In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

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[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

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Father and his 5 year old Son are walking on their farm together...

The dad steps in dog poo and yells "SHIT!"


The son asks, "Daddy, what does shit mean?"


The father answers, panicking as he doesn't want to set a bad example, "Its another word for doormat"


The son is convinced and the dad breathes a sigh of relief.


Later...

Police officer

A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: ...

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There once was a police dog...

The K-9 unit had decided to get some new dogs to sniff out drugs and the like. One of them happened to have an exceptional talent for this, and while training this dog, several notorious local drug dealers had already been caught. Eventually, the dog was assigned to a cop, and the cop named the dog ...

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.


One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot ...

An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

It’s my first time in court and the The judge said “ORDER”!

And I quickly replied “fried rice, spring rolls and orange juice- now two policemen are escorting me outside and I think we are going to a restaurant :)

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 Policemen watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid and crazy, especially with the Policemen standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went and picked...

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Black haired girl are running from the police.

So they run into a farm and split up.

The Black haired girl runs behind a cow,
the Brunette runs behind a pig, and the Blonde runs behind a sack of potatoes.

Night comes and the police eventually find the barn and and search it. One of policemen look through the cattle and shines a ...

Two nuns are driving down the road

Two Catholic nuns are driving down the road in a Protestant area. Suddenly, they run out of gas and are stuck on the shoulder. They spot a gas station about a mile ahead and begin to look around their car for something to use as a gas container, but can only find specimen jars with the word "urine" ...

A man in an interrogation room

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

"You are the lawyer." exclaims the policemen.

"Exactly, so where’s my present?" replied the lawyer.

Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)

Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them say...

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My favourite police joke

It's getting dark and little Jimmy is riding home on his new bike. He notices that a policeman on a horse is following him. The policemen asks Jimmy to pull over.

Then he starts talking: "That's a nice bike you have there. Did you get this from Santa?"

"Yes I did."

"Well next ti...

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

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A women goes in a sex shop and asked for the best dildo.

The seller tells her :

- Take this one, the Zizi Voodoo. You just have to say twice "Zizi Voodoo" and a part of your body where you want it to go and it does straight away!
- Ok, awesome. I'll take it.

On her ride back home she decided to try it in her car. She says

- Zizi Vo...

Those lying politicians

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer; they crashed near my farm and I buried all of them
One of the policemen asked with shocked ; are you sure they were all dead ?
Farmer ; some of them were scre...

When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.

One day, my father had enough of it.

He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former...

The police are having a math class

On the board it is written 5-7+2=0.

The policemen are very confused so the teacher says "Look, it is very simple. Let me give you an example".

Let's say that there is a bus with 5 people in it. On the next stop 7 people get off the bus. How many people need to get in the bus so the bus...

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Two dicks

I walked past a K9 police unit ghe other day and said to my girlfriend: Look, this doggy is walking around with two dicks.






To my credit, both policemen checked under the doggo before attempting to chase me.

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

Netherland police found a little hole in the wall of women's changing rooms

Policemen are looking into it now.

3 thugs are running away from the police

3 thugs are being chased be the police. They suddenly see a giant and beg him to hide them. The giant decides to help the thugs. He hides one in his pocket, another in his mouth, and keeps the last one hidden in his hand.

Policemen run up, and ask the giant if he saw someone suspicious. The ...

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Leroy walks into a bar...

...sits down, and orders a shot. He drains the glass, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it on the floor, and says, "sumbitch shore can drive!"

The bartender says, "Hey! I run a clean establishment here."

Leroy apologizes and orders another shot. He drains the glass, swishes it ar...

The Speeder and The Cop

A man is caught speeding by a cop.

The cop asks “Why were you going so fast?”

The man responds, “I had to get to the Policeman’s Ball.”

The cop exclaims “Policemen don’t have balls!”

A college stud could get with any women he wanted.

Luke was pretty much perfect: star on the football team, top of his class, president multiple clubs, and was hot af. I mean, this guy has slept with hundreds of different girls, even his teachers. However, near his college career, he wants to settle down. He asks one of his best friends, Tracy, i...

3 Brand New Cops Are Having Lunch... (Long)

One cop is Italian, one is Israeli, and the third is Polish. The police chief walks up to the new policemen, and goes “Boys, it’s your first day, and I have a quick question for you: who killed Jesus Christ?”

The Italian cop smiles, and goes “Well that’s an easy one, it was the Jewish people!...

A boy and his dad.

A boy and his dad are walking through the streets

boy: "What does the word drunk mean?"

dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are four policemen over there."

boy: "But dad there is only one policeman over ther...

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[LONG] A man and his son were speeding on their way home in time for..

dinner, when flashing blue lights appear out of nowhere behind them. "Bastards!" the dad shouts. The boy, curiously asks, "What does bastards mean Daddy?". The father, not wanting his son to pick up the bad language responds, "It's just another word for policemen son."

The pair continue driv...

A man calls his brother's home...

... and his little nephew Timmy answers the phone. The man says, "Can I talk to your daddy?"
Timmy says, "No, he's busy."
The man says, "Can I talk to your mommy?"
Timmy says, "No, she's busy too."
The man says, "Well is there anyone else at the house?"
Timmy says, "Yeah, t...

Three Escaped Prisoners

Three men - who were not the brightest of individuals - escaped from prison one evening. They knew that the authorities would be hot on their tail in only a matter of minutes, so they decided to find somewhere to hide on a nearby farm.

The first prisoner climbed an apple tree, then kept as st...

Driving to work...

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to cont...

God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?" God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians." "What is H...

Penguins

A policemen is driving around when he sees a man driving a pick-up truck with the bed filled with penguins. He pulls the man over and tells him, " you shouldnt be driving these penguins around, you should take them to the zoo!" The man said, " you know. you are right", and drives off

The fo...

(LONG). There once was a farmer named Bill

Bill was a big tractor enthusiast, he really had a passion for them. He collected tractors for many years and had gotten quite the collection, a total of about 50+ tractors.

One day Bill was looking online at some tractors when he saw one that really caught his eye. A tractor made of solid go...

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Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates...

Three thieves enter a warehouse full of crates, just as they were being chased by policemen who chanced upon them breaking into a jewelry shop. Now, the warehouse was for various farm produce, and sounds of farm animals still alive in the crates could be heard from some of them.

The first of ...

An Englishmen, Irishmen, and Scotsman are all running from the law...

They all turn down an alley only to find a dead end. The Englishmen quickly jumps into a dustbin, the Scotsman gets into a crate, and the Irishmen climbs into a sack. Just at that moment the police turn up and start looking for them.

The policemen kicks the dustbin, and the Englishmen goes "...

Russian Yeltsin Joke

Here's one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies.

A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says "You can't ...

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