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Sergeant Jokes

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

A rookie cop is being trained by his sergeant

Unfortunately it's a pretty slow day. Finally the sergeant says "Okay, here's a hint. Pick a car and just follow him around. Before long he's bound to make a mistake, and you can pull him over for that." So the sergeant selects a car, and starts following it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't wor...

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major...

...found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothe...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

Why did the drill sergeant refuse to wear underwear under his uniform?

so he could have easy access to his privates while in commando.

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?

Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, rep...

A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle

Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed.

The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at the ready, and then the sergeant gave the command:

"Fire at will!"

Private Lunn was puzzled. He lowered his gun.

"Which one is Wil...

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

Do Sergeants believe in Corporal punishment...

Or is that a Private matter ?

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A recruit's father has died and the drill sergeant is asked to tell him in a considerate and non-direct way

So the next day, the sergeant gets the whole squad lined up.



"Everyone whose father is alive, one step forward! Johnson, and where the fuck are you going?!"

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant ran a personnel shop staffed by three lower ranking sergeants.

Every day at 3:00, the Chief would grab his hat, tell his staff that he was going to a meeting, and leave. After several weeks of this, one of the sergeants figured it was safe to leave work early - they'd never get caught because the Chief never returned. At 3:15 he told his coworkers, "Let's go...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.

When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in ...

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My granpa shared this joke with me many moons ago in an email chain I just found in my inbox, I thought I’d share it with yous.

A new ArmyCaptain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
kno...

Just before a redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,

"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.

He pulled the sec...

Sergeant says to the recruit

\- "I didn't see you during camouflaging exercise!"

\- "Thank you, Sir!"

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

A lieutenant is freshly stationed in the middle of the desert.

When he first arrives he notices the men all caring for a camel. Bathing it, feeding it their best food, and treating it like a goddess. The lieutenant ask the sergeant why the men are taking such good care of the camel. The sergeant goes on to explain how if the men are ever feeling “lonely” they u...

I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

The sergeant growled at the young soldier 'I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!'

'Thank you very much, sir' replied the young soldier

A police sergeant asks the new constable to see him in his office.

"Alright constable," said the sergeant. "Can you please explain to me why you have not booked any traffic offences in the two weeks since you have been here?"

"Well you see sir, every time I pull up a car, no matter the offence, I barely finish introducing myself before they take off."
...

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”


The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”


The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"We...

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An army sergeant lines up his men for their final ultimate test of patriotism

Sergeant: "Men! Do you love your wives?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Do you love your country even more?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Would you sacrifice anything for your country?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!!!"

Sergeant: "Right men. In each of those huts o...

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The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed,...

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My Sergeant told me I'm guilty of insubordination.

I'm not going to listen to that asshole.

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

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A drill sergeant walks into a bar...

And orders a beer and a shot. The bartender obliges, ant tells him it’ll be $10. The drill sergeant slams both drinks. He turns to the bartender and says, “I tell you what, I will show you a trick so good, you’ll give me both those drinks for free.”
The bartender says, “This better be a good...

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. ...

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Watch out for the drill sergeant

A guy came back from the service and met his buddy at the bar.
"So how was it in the service?"
"Not to bad, but in basics they had us jumping out of an airplane and when it was my turn I froze and I could not jump.
The drill sergeant behind me whispered in my ear:
"You jump ...

A sergeant major, an mp, and a chaplain are at a post.

The sergeant major points to the chaplain, he says to the E2 newly enlisted Military Police officer, see that chaplain over there? Yes, said the MP. The sergeant major said "arrest him, hes wearing headphones at post". The mp puts the chaplain in cuffs and reads him his rights before stopping and st...

A sergeant is talking to a soldier...

Sergeant: “Soldier, your plan was very good, but the execution-“
Soldier: “There was an execution?”

A Sergeant this morning told me "if I turn down the shot I'll get kicked out of the Army."

Me: yeah, but If you get the shot you'll be stuck in the Army...

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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

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A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

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Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

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A Sergeant was walking through base housing when he noticed a boy playing in mud

Being curious, he walked over and saw that the boy was building something with the mud.

"Watcha building son" he asked.

"An Army soldier" exclaimed the boy.

"This is a *Marine Corp base base son! You should be building a *Marine!!" chastised the Sergeant.

"I would," the ...

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A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

Why does an octopus make a great drill sergeant?

Because it’s arm-y.

My Sergeant told us to "fire at will"...

It's kind of a shame. I liked that guy.

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.

He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.

Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.

In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAG...

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A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night

A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night and discovers a private sneaking back into the barracks.

Sergeant: Private! What are you doing?

Private: Trying to sleep, sir!

Sergeant: You look like you just had sex, boy. When did you last have sex?

Private: 2010...

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drill sergeant

There once was a private in the army who was in the middle of a training drill for stealth and disguise. He was all painted like a tree and blended in perfectly. The drill sergeant was walking through the forest trying to find this private, when all of a sudden the private flinched. The drill sergea...

A newly arrived First Lieutenant stationed at a military camp in the midst of a vast desert...

When arrived, he noticed something peculiar. He observed that his fellow soldiers were diligently taking care of a camel. They were bathing it, feeding it the best food, and treating it as if it were a goddess. Intrigued, the First Lieutenant inquired with a Sergeant about what made this camel so sp...

So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model. It's important to me that it not get damaged. I need you to take it and get it washed off-base." I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see th...

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant. The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have listen to everything I say!! "
Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you understan...

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A crusty old sergeant major walks into a brothel in Korea...

He walks up to the receptionist and says, "I'm a sergeant major, I've seen combat in every major conflict for the last 35 years, and I want the best goddamn hooker you've got in this place!"

The receptionist nods and leads him to one of the back rooms. Waiting there is a stunningly beautiful ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)

This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:

Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...

A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane.

The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash.

Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose get...

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The Admiral

An Admiral, whom lost one of his ears in an accident and was very
sensitive about his appearance, was interviewing a Navy Master Chiefs,
an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal
staff...


The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it w...

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning...

...when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately wept and overcome by emotions, soon fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have bee...

Skeeter and Bubba got promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Shortly after, they were out walking when Bubba said "Hey Skeeter! There's the NCO Club! What say we go in there and have us a drink?"

"But we don't belong in the NCO Club!" Skeeter protested. "We's Privates!"

Bubba points to the new stripes sewn on their clothes and says, "No we a...

one time in Vietnam my drill sergeant angrily asked who the hell kept quoting Credence Clearwater Revival

I said "It ain't me"

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One goes East, one goes West...

It is a Friday night, and everyone is heading home for the weekend. An Army Sergeant leaves the base late, heading west for his home. Across town, at another base, an Air Force Sergeant also leaves late, heading east.

The snow starts blowing, and the sun sets. On the highway, both Sergeants ...

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was th...

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A female lieutenant walked into a shower room. She sees a sergeant and two men, and walks up to them...

Lieutenant: good God, put your privates away!
The sergeant is confused for a second, but then says: private Smith, private Jones, you are dismissed to dinner!
The female lieutenant watches ad the two men walk away, and then turns to the sergeant and says: alright, now that your privates are aw...

A Sergeant-Major asks his platoon whether any of them are interested in music

When four hands go up, the Sergeant-Major says "Right, lads! You can carry this grand piano up to the officers' mess."

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So a British Sergeant is deported to Egypt...

And he is forced to live in a mudhut in a small village far from any civilization.

After a few weeks he realizes that he can't fight his sexual urges, but he's too much of a proper gentleman to masturbate. So turns to his servant and asks "My dear Achmed, I feel like my hedonistic urges are t...

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

An Irish Priest

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in ...

Sergeant: ‘Are we any closer to solving the case of the missing dog-walker?’

Detective: ‘Well I’ve got a lead but nothing else has turned up’

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

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What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested?

Shot a black man.

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants

Now I just play with my privates.

Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.

So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.

I think they're trying to PIN something on me.

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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Honorable discharge

Three long-time servicemen are about to retire, and they are told that as a reward for many years of great service, they're are going to be given an amount of money equal to the distance between any two points on their body, in inches, times a thousand.

The colonel, being a tall man, picks t...

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A paratrooper is training to jump out of a plane for the first time.

He is scared shitless and tells his buddy: “I got a plan so I can avoid jumping tomorrow. There’s no way I’m jumping out of that plane. God himself couldn’t make me jump.”

The buddy says “oh yeah? What’s your plan?”

The guy says “I’m gonna be the last one in line. And as people are jum...

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer....

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Offi...

When I was in the Army....

When I was in the Army, I had a sergeant once hand me an axe and he said "See this rope?" I said that I did, indeed, see the rope. He said "good, when I nod my head, I want you to hit it with the axe." he nodded his head and I did as I had been ordered to do.

And to this day I STILL don't kn...

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.

He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.

So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"

The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on yo...

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

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Walking down the line, a sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest, and barked, “Did that hurt, soldier?”

“No, sir!” each replied.
“Why not?” yelled the sergeant.
“Because I’m a United States Marine, sir!” came the reply.

Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. “Did that hurt, soldier?” he boomed.
“No, sir,” answered...

Bobby joins the military.

Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?

So the Pope dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his room.

It's a small room, unfurnished, walls of bricks, floor of concrete, with noisy neighbors and no elevator.

One day, as he's walking down the street, he sees someone riding down to his mansion in a fancy Cadillac with beautiful women...

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