I ordered a new kitchen sink and by golly that thing grew legs and knocked on my door.

Let that sink in.

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I'll let you guys know.

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

The book I ordered about clocks finally came in.

It's about time.

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

I was in a pub and I ordered a large cup of beer and a German sausage. It took them 20 minutes just to get me the cup of beer.

I am afraid the wurst has yet to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

What do you call it when you’re bathroom tile that you ordered online falls off the shipment truck due to company mismanagement?

e wrecked tile dysfunction

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

Dating is just like ordering food at a restaurant.

You take a look at everything there is on offer, you know the kind of thing you like so that helps you make your choice.

But when the food arrives you still want what the other guy ordered.

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived I found all of the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘van...

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

So I ordered me a bust for my birthday.

I really wanna show you how it looks, but I'm getting a head of myself.

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the barte...

An orphan went to a bar and ordered a beer.

Can I have a Foster?

Jesus becomes a bartender. Man says hey you SOB I ordered a beer but you just gave me water.

I told you I could turn water into whine.

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered:

First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"

Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"

So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?”

The second man replies, “No, you can have it if...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

Went to a nice restaurant with my 10 year-old and ordered a pricey entree. She asked me how it was, and I said “It’s just how I make it at home”.

She said “C’mon dad, it can’t be that bad”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box....

...I've been banned for life from that shop.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied,...

I ordered a pen with an eraser on both sides

It was pointless

I recently ordered one piece of sodium and one piece of copper.

When the delivery guy showed up, I noticed that he was only holding the sodium. I asked him,

"Did you have the copper with you?"

He replied,

"Na right now, Cu later."

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped.

And I think it's going to be a long, long time

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

A Penguin walked into a mechanic

Said, "there is an issue with my car." Mechanic said, "give me an hour I'll check it out, why don't you go across the street and get something to eat?"

The penguin walked across the street and ordered a large ice cream. Because of having no hands he just used his flippers. After about an hour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed.

I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

Which side of a glass of water does Gary Larson drink from?

Neither! He ordered a cheeseburger!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.