UPJOKE
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I went to Wendy’s and ordered two large fries

The asshole served me hundred tiny ones

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I ordered a book about sexual dysfunction on Amazon

It never came.

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

I’ve ordered a chicken and an egg online

I’ll let you know which one came first

Three months ago I ordered a book “How to scam people online”

It still hasn’t arrived

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Old Asian man ordered forty-two coffees. I said “you sure?”. He nodded yes…

Poured about 7 coffees and he starts shouting stop! stop! stop! I’m like “what happened?!” He repeated his order “ I want 4 tea 2 coffee” …

I ordered a puppy on Amazon, I'm just trying to decide where to keep it in the house.

I'm thinking outside the box.

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I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

I ordered coffee at a Cafe today and it's already better than dad...

Because it came with milk

Norm McDonald Joke: A man walks up and orders food.

Man walks up to the employee and says "Yeah, I would like uhhh...the Polish sausage." The employee kinda chuckles and says "Polish sausage, you must be Polish?" The man now angry yells " HEY, JUST CAUSE I ORDERED A POLISH SAUSAGE DON'T MAKE ME POLISH! IF I ORDERED FRENCH FRIES DOES THST MAKE ME FREN...

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

I ordered a Reuben at a dinner last night…

It was over krauted!

Ordered some chicken nuggies at McDonalds. Drive through lady says: "Wakanda sauce"

This was right around the time Black Panther had come out so I go "hell yea I'll try that !"

She gon come back: SIR....... WHAT. KIND. OF. SAUCE.

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A tourist in Madrid goes into a restaurant and orders the special

The waiter brings it, and he asks what it is.

"These are cojones, Signor."

"What are cojones?"

"These are the testicles of the bull, the one which lost the bullfight in the arena this afternoon. They're very good."

So he tries them, and they are very good. He finishes the...

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I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

I ordered a book called "How To Make People Feel Uncertain".

I got an email just now: It *could* not be delivered today.

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

To impress my date I ordered my whole dinner in French.

Even the waiter was impressed because it was a Chinese restaurant.

The condoms I ordered just showed up.

I'm excited because I've been waiting for them to come in.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

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The hunting license

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters.

The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, a...

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I ordered a Bon Jovi album to give to my father for Christmas.

It still hasn’t arrived. When I ring customer service the lady on the phone keeps telling me “it’s halfway there”.

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This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the ha...

Had dinner, ordered desert

I confess, the sand was a little hard to swallow.

I ordered some disposable lenses and got an empty box.

They said I must have selected Contactless delivery.

I walked into a bar

And ordered 10 shots of vodka at the bar and started doing shot after shot until I got 6 in and the bartender said 'Jeez buddy, are you having problems?' to which I replied "You wouldn't want what I got.". He asked what I had and I said

"About 35 cents"

He kicked me out promptly aft...

An old man shuffled into a dairy bar

He got slowly and painfully up onto a stool. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?” “No, arthritis.”

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Once upon a time..

..there was a king who had an attractive queen as his wife. Naturally all the ministers in his court took a liking to her beauty and secretly wanted to have their way with her.

A neighboring kingdom waged war against the king so he had to go over there to make peace talks.

The minister...

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

Have you heard about what the necromancer movie director did?

He ordered the whole film to be reanimated.

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restraunt last night

The bill was huge!

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

I ordered a Jack and Coke and the bartender asked “Is Pepsi okay?”

I said yeah, and he gave me a Coke and Pepsi.

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

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Chief Weatherman

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

N...

Weird Lubricant Order.

During 11:00PM a fellow of 20 years goes into a pharmacy in a big hurry and ordered all the vaseline and similar lubricants he could buy.
The doctor was a bit sceptical about the whole thing, but he carried out the order and the fellow run like no tomorrow.
Just 1 hour later he comes back ...

A famous pub in Dublin...

There's a famous pub in Dublin, at the top of Camden Street, called the Bleeding Horse. One day, a Clydesdale horse trotted in and ordered a pint of Guinness and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman was a little taken aback, but Dublin barmen are nothing if not professional, so he served ...

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

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Birthday Present.

I am Livid.

I ordered a silver jewellery case for my Wife's Birthday online.

But when it arrived someone had engraved the word "CUNT" on the back of it, I was Fuming.

I distinctly asked for it on the front.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

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