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Guards Jokes

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

Why do prison guards use Proactive?

To prevent breakouts.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he ...

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

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Two border guards

Two border guards are doing their final patrol of the night along the US-Canadian border. Half an hour before their shift is up, they hear some rustling along the path. They rush forward to check it out only to find a man who has committed suicide by hanging himself.


"Crap, the paperwork ...

King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"



(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

What do you call security guards, working at the samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

Guards Conversation on Epstein.

Guard One:

"have you checked on Epstein lately?"



Guard two:

"Yea, he's just hanging out in his cell."

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

A man goes to prison

Its his first day in the prison, a while later he sees his cellmate go the the door and yells trough it: "#12!", and a few people from different cells chuckle. A few hours later another man goes to the door and yells: "#31!", and a few people start laughing, even the guards smile. Then having gathe...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

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Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

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The Shah and the Guard

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the ti...

How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women

I would be invisible to them

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

Why can't life guards save hippies?

Because they're too far out, man!

How many guards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to disable the cameras, and one to strangle Epstein.

Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway.

It was the collision of the sentry.

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

Why are fencing players so good at also being guards at museums?

They’re always en garde.

One of the last things Jeffrey Epstein said to the guards was - "high five!"

But they just left him hanging

In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president"

They now need to say " Donald duck"

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

Two Soviet Border Guards Are Standing on the Finnish Border

One turns to the other and says, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I suspect I am thinking what you're thinking."

"In that case, you're under arrest for treason."

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

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A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.

The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled genitals. The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.

The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a pr...

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[LONG][STORY][NSFW] The King's Daughter's Guards

In a land that is far from here, but not so far from there, in an ancient time that is not so long ago, there lived a king.
Now, this king had a daughter, the most beautiful young woman in the entire world. As she grew to the age when suitors started appearing, the king grew paranoid that she w...

Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get somet...

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

What do you call a large aquatic mammal that guards your private medical information?

HIPAA-potamus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

A ship radios the German coast guard

Ship: Help we are sinking!

German coast guard: wot are you sinking about?

Apple have begun making prison guards...

Apparently they like to lock up.

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