UPJOKE
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

As Jesus hangs from the cross…

he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something...

What do you call the security guards working outside a Samsung mobile store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women

I would be invisible to them

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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The Shah and the Guard

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the ti...

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

One of the last things Jeffrey Epstein said to the guards was - "high five!"

But they just left him hanging

Why do Spanish urinals have splash guards?

Because they piso mojado.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51.

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

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When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

The president walks out the White House and one of his body guards spots a shooter.

Quickly, he shouts "MICKEY MOUSE" and charges the gunman. Confused, the shooter is managed to be apprehended and the body guard is a hero.

The next day his boss invites him into his office and asks why he shouted mickey mouse. Blushing, he replied " I was panicking and I meant to say, Donald ...

Why are fencing players so good at also being guards at museums?

They’re always en garde.

In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president"

They now need to say " Donald duck"

Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway.

It was the collision of the sentry.

How many guards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to disable the cameras, and one to strangle Epstein.

A Russian judge walks out of a courtroom, laughing.

Curious, one of the guards in the courthouse asks him "What's so funny?"

"Oh, this joke I just heard!" says the Judge.

"Can you tell it to me?" asks the guard, curious.

"No, I can't," says the judge. "I just sentenced a man to 10 years in prison for telling it!"

A man in Bulgaria drives trains

A man in Bulgaria drives trains for a living. He made decent money, enough to support himself. One day, he got tired while conducting and fell asleep. The train ended up crashing and killing one person aboard.

He went to court and pleaded guilty. The judge ordered Death by Electrocution. Late...

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Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Guards Conversation on Epstein.

Guard One:

"have you checked on Epstein lately?"



Guard two:

"Yea, he's just hanging out in his cell."

Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin. Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he'd hide his treasure in the kingdom's Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he find that his pockets have run dry and desperately n...

My local supermarket gives away free food

If you can run faster than the security guards

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

Two guards are standing in front of a gate,

Guard 1: what year is it?

Guard 2: 75 B.C.

Guard 1: what does B.C mean?

Guard 2: Before Christ.

Guard 1: what is Christ?

Guard 2: i have no idea.

What do you call a large aquatic mammal that guards your private medical information?

HIPAA-potamus

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

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