Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

My friend was asking for Halloween costume ideas, and I told him he could pull off a good Two-Face.

He said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, you just have to make one half look good!"

So summer is coming up and i think I'm in good enough shape to pull off a two piece.

The hardest part is just chasing her down.

Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back?

And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, "Dude, c'mon..."

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I dare someone to pull off this joke IRL.

A manager calls one of his employes because he is very late for work.
The employee picks up the phone. The boss enquires, "John, why aren't you at work?" John responds, "I have a medical condition." Concerned the manager asks, "What is it?" John replies, "I have anal glaucoma." The manager respo...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Stage Fright

A young actor, new on the scene and nervous about it, is trying to make his first big role count.

In his first onstage appearance, his character has a fairly simple scene to pull off: he walks onstage holding a rose between his fingers. He waves it past his nose with a big whiff, then declar...

What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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A young black man finds a genie in a lamp..

A young American black man finds a genie in a lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie emerges, exclaiming “All behold the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is tremendous, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

The black man says “Ok... For my firs...

I was thinking of going as a Band-Aid this Halloween, but then I decided against it.

I think it would be hard to pull off.

I would rather breed mice than crows

Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

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THE BLONDE COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
Cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
And his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like
This?'

T...

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A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

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I've decided the only left for me to do is to become a stripper...

There's not much left I can pull off.

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A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the ho...

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

A cab driver picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab,but the driver can't stop staring at her.She asks him why is he staring.He replies,"I have a question for you but I don't want to offend you.She answers,"My son,you cannot offend me.When your as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear ...

there once was a...

There once was a community in which there where the squares and the "jokes". the "jokes" were actually circles but were a minority and were often laughed at and segregated in the community, so they were called "jokes". One circle had enough of the ridicule from the squares and wanted to become a squ...

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