What do you call it when a pig picks its nose and wipes it on a cow?
My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...
...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."
"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."
"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."
"I don't know..." he mumbled.
"Dude, let's get cranked already...
Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)
I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.
Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.
Now, what is the dif...
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.
The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...
My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A magical cliff
There were three men at the edge of a magical cliff. Jumping off of this cliff while saying something will turn you into the thing you said.
The first man looked up at the sky and said, “I’ve always wanted to fly,” so he jumped and yelled, “BIRD!” He turned into a bird and flew away.
I’m trying to come up with an iphone 11 joke...
It’s basically an iphone X joke with a few minor tweaks and improvements
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?
If she's only wearing one sock.
(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)
Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...
Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”
And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”
So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”
The man s...
Tatoos of Elvis
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.
The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"
The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I cou...
Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)
One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.
Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...