UPJOKE
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I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I hate the color purple

I hate it more than red and blue combined

The Purple Pirate

This is not a good joke, my Dad told it to me years ago and I haven't seen it here yet.

There was once a purple pirate who sailed the 7 purple seas. One purple day, as the sky was clear and purple the purple pirate landed his purple ship on a purple island.

The Purple pirate explored t...

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

I had this weird dream that I was swimming in a fizzy purple drink...

When I woke up in my bed, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that it was only a Fanta-sy.

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

What's the difference between pink and purple?

Her grip.

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I once dated twins. People often asked how I told them apart.

Lisa painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a cock.

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What’s the difference between pink and purple?

How hard I squeeze my dick

Did y'all hear about the purple stegosaurus?

He stuck out like a dinosaur thumb!

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

The colorblind test results came in,

turns out I'm indeed color blind, that totally came out of the purple.

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

What's purple and smells like Mars?

Apartment!

A guy wakes up after some heavy drinking. He sees a purple giraffe standing next to his bed.

— What are you looking at? – asks the giraffe – There’s so many of you, goddamn drunks, that we had no pink elephants left!

Just found out I'm colorblind

The news came completely out of the purple.

Why did the CSI team get called to the set of the Purple Rain video shoot.

They needed to dust for Prince.

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Purple is the best color for camouflage

Have you ever seen a soldier in violet ?

Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...

"Back to the Fuschia"

Joke made from personal experience What’s purple and makes you cry?

Mamas flipflop

A blonde walks into an electronics store

She looks around and eventually calls a worker over and says “I’d like to buy this tv”

The worker tells her kindly, “I apologize miss, but store policy is that we don’t sell things to blondes”.

Very angry, she leaves and goes to a salon and dyes her hair black. Then she goes back the n...

Why do barbie dolls have purple nips?

Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ...

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

A ship carrying red paint ­collided with another one carrying purple paint.

Both crews are said to be marooned

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

I never knew my grandfather but I just learned he had a purple heart.

It's terrible what alcoholism does to your organs.

I tried searching up "Dementia" on google

but for some reason, all the links were purple.

Weathermen in my area are warning of purple rain this afternoon

And later on in the evening it looks like there will be some violet storms moving in.

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

This is super old. But another Joke here reminded me, so...

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

First, you bake a cake with 3 raisins. Pink Elephants LOVE raisins. Then, you travel through Purple Elephant country. Purple Elephants are really easy to catch. Once you are in Pink Elephant c...

What's purple, orange and yellow and has wheels?

A dolphin. I lied about the colour and the wheels

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What's purple and green and sits on the porch at night crying?

She's my fucking girlfriend I'll paint her whatever colours I want.

Crazy naked guy with purple paint

There was this crazy naked guy out side painting everything purple. He painted the lawn purple, he painted the sidewalk purple, the painted the bushes purple, he even painted himself purple.

A neighbor walking by proclaimed "you're nuts! You're nuts!"

He responded saying, "I know, bu...

Why'd magneto stop wearing purple?

Because the days of fuchsia passed.

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

A Brazilian Jiu Jitsu teacher and black belt told his Purple belt employee,

"We're going to have a match. If you can avoid being submitted for 10 minutes, I'll award you a black belt and I'll give you a raise. If I can get you in a chokehold and you can't escape, I'm going to fire you."

The employee agreed, and they started the match. Five minutes in, the teacher loc...

Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy...

Lives in the White House.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperat...

How do you kill a purple elephant?

**With a purple elephant gun.**

How do you kill a blue elephant?

**You tie a knot in it's trunk until it turns purple then shoot it with a purple elephant gun.**

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

**Open the door and put it inside**

How do you put a lion i...

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A 7 foot tall giant of a man walks into a bar...

...carrying a brown box. Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.
 
He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it ...

Tom was not the brightest kid in his school.

None of his classmates liked him. He was plain stupid when it came to even simplest stuff. His teacher always told him "you're driving me crazy".

One day, Tom's mother visited school and when she spoke to teacher, the teacher directly said: "Your child is absolutely stupid, not only his grad...

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Magic Purple Dildo

A girl walks into a bar, and goes up to the bartender and complains about ex-boyfriend and how she will never get laid again.

The bartender looks at her and reaches under the counter and pulls out a purple dildo. He tells her that the dildo is a Magic Dildo. "This is a magic purple dildo you...

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I got such a vigorous hand job whilst watching the new Adams Family movie that my dick has turned purple.

Talk about too much of a good Thing.

This is my first time googling Alzheimer’s

Why is most search results purple?

What is Purple, Musical, and Deadly?

Thanos in a Barbershop Quartet!

What do you call a purple tent?

An indigo inn to go

What is the one word the rhymes with ‘purple’

No it’s not.

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

Guy gets a job as a spy...

He's sent on his first mission, and told that the secret passphrase he has to give to contacts is, "The night-bird flies at dawn."

He's instructed to go to London, head to Piccadilly Circus, and speak to a guy in a purple fedora, busking. So he flies to London, goes to Piccadilly Circus, fin...

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