The purple man lives in the purple house. The blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the White House?

The orange man.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

I thought I saw a guy with purple skin yesterday.

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

What is the difference between pink and purple?

My grip

I just got diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

Why'd magneto stop wearing purple?

Because the days of fuchsia passed.

What's purple, orange and yellow and has wheels?

A dolphin. I lied about the colour and the wheels

The Purple Pirate

This is not a good joke, my Dad told it to me years ago and I haven't seen it here yet.

There was once a purple pirate who sailed the 7 purple seas. One purple day, as the sky was clear and purple the purple pirate landed his purple ship on a purple island.

The Purple pirate explored t...

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A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

I just found out i’m colourblind

The diagnosis came out of the purple

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

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What's purple and green and sits on the porch at night crying?

She's my fucking girlfriend I'll paint her whatever colours I want.

I was recently surprised to hear from the doctor that i was colour blind!

It was so sudden! It came right out of the purple!

I learned today that I'm colorblind

This was a surprise, it really came out of the purple

I recently discovered I am color blind

It came out of the purple

Purple is the best color for camouflage

Have you ever seen a soldier in violet ?

What is the one word the rhymes with ‘purple’

No it’s not.

Why do barbie dolls have purple nips?

Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ...

The Purple Violet

Timmy was starting kindergarten, and on his first day he was pretty nervous.
First, the students went around and said their names, and something fun about them.
“I’m Mary, and I like dolls!” said Mary.
“I’m Johnny, and I like action figures!” said Johnny.
When it was Timmy’s turn, he...

What is Purple, Musical, and Deadly?

Thanos in a Barbershop Quartet!

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

The Purple Gorilla.

Once upon a time there was a man driving down an old road at night when his car broke down on the side of the road. He saw a small house not to far away. He decided to see if the house had anyone willing to help him out. The man knocked on the door and almost instantly an old lady swung open the doo...

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

One day, DJ Khalid’s son found a magical lamp...

One day, DJ Khaled’s son stumbled upon a magical lamp. After rubbing it, a mystical genie poured out of the stem and asked for boy what he wanted for his wishes. Knowing his father’s great love of music, the boy wished to become a keyboard, something Khaled enjoyed using for his music. “Granted”, sa...

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

As a purple faced man, one day I hope to meet a purple faced women...

They tell me I shouldn't hold my breath

Roses are red, That much is true

But violets are purple
Not freakin blue

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

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I used to bang a set of twins.

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

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New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

What's both blue and purple and never seen again?

This thread :/

Purple... long but worth it IMO

A purple man woke up in his purple room, in his purple bed inside his purple house. He got out of his purple bed, went to his purple bathroom, used his purple toilet, washed his purple hands and brushed his purple teeth.

He got dressed in his favourite purple shirt, purple undies and purple t...

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

How do you kill a purple elephant?

**With a purple elephant gun.**

How do you kill a blue elephant?

**You tie a knot in it's trunk until it turns purple then shoot it with a purple elephant gun.**

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

**Open the door and put it inside**

How do you put a lion i...

My favourite joke

In the purple forest is a purple kingdom. In the purple kingdom a purple peasant stole some purple bread. The purple police put the purple peasant in purple prison. The purple guard went to the purple peasant and said:

“All right, indigo”

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

What happens if u throw a purple hat in the black sea?

It gets wet.

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The purple feather

Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . "A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked "how did you find this?" Billy replied "I w...

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Magic Purple Dildo

A girl walks into a bar, and goes up to the bartender and complains about ex-boyfriend and how she will never get laid again.

The bartender looks at her and reaches under the counter and pulls out a purple dildo. He tells her that the dildo is a Magic Dildo. "This is a magic purple dildo you...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperat...

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