A guy goes to the doctor and gets diagnosed with yellow 158 he is told he has a week to live. His wife asks him what he would like to do. He says he would like to go to the bingo as hes never tried it. His wife says ok darling if thats your wish.

First game he plays he gets house and wins a large sum of money and an entertainment system. Wins house in second game and wins a new car. The next day he visits the bingo again and wins house again and the same the next day. On his next visit he wins again and the speaker asks him up to the microph...

Green,pink and yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Ag...

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

what's yellow and can't swim ?

A school bus full of children

What's yellow and turns to the dark side?

Bananakin Skywalker.

Do you like white rice? Or brown rice? Or yellow rice?

I love all rice equally. You're just Ricest.

Yo momma’s teeth are so yellow

When she smiles, cars slow down

The red guy lives in the red house, the green guy lives in the green house, and the yellow guy lives in the yellow house. Which house does the orange guy live in?

The white house.

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A man from LEGO CITY

I have this friend who dresses up his Labrador in this ridiculous yellow jacket.

What is he blind?

Two figures watched from the balcony as the performance of "The King in Yellow" came to an end. Turning to the audience, they watched those unfortunate enough to still be alive turn on each other. Hideous screams and mad laughter echoed as blood flew through air. Finally, one of the figures spoke.

"Well, looks like the play drove the audience completely insane. They're ripping each other apart down there!"

"After paying twenty bucks for tickets to that snooze-fest, I feel like going crazy too!"

*"Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!"*

It's yellow, and if it hits you in the eye, you die?

a bulldozer

Did you hear about the large yellow dog with a drug problem?

Turns out he was a Meth Lab

What do you call a yellow doctor that gives you a free injection?

A honey bee.

What's purple, orange and yellow and has wheels?

A dolphin. I lied about the colour and the wheels

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

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Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow checked trousers?

Because he's a cunt

Doctor, what do you recommend me for yellow teeth?

A brown tie

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Three men are captured by a group of Cannibals.

The men are tied up and brought before leader of the cannibals. The leader says to the men "My people are hungry, but I will let you make your case. Then I will decide your fate."

The first man, hair slicked back and dressed in an expensive suit, begins, "I am very wealthy, and I have founded...

A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

What's yellow and can be found on the ground?

A yellow string on the ground.
.
What's black and can be found on the ground?
.

It's not a black string you dumbass, it's the shadow of the first strings.

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Tim is driving to work when a man wearing yellow suddenly flags him down

He slows down, puzzled.

"Just who are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I'm a yellow cunt and I'll be on my way if you just give me some food!"

Tim is confused, but being a generally good-natured man, he gives the sandwich he was going to have for lunch, and the man skips a...

I went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I'm having trouble hearing." The doctor said "What are the symptoms?"

I said "A yellow cartoon family"

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced:

"The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door." "Good grief , holmes," said Watson. " How on earth did you deduce that?" "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

What do you call it when a yellow jacket has inflammation of the liver?

Hepatitis Bee

A guy goes skydiving for the first time.

The instructor goes over the procedure with him.

“That plane will take you up,” the instructor says. “The pilot will let you know when you are over the drop zone. Jump out the back door of the plane and watch your altimeter. When it says 2000 ft, pull the red cord. It’ll deploy your main para...

A blue House is made of blue bricks, a pink house is made of pink bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks. What is a green house made of?

Glass

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious lookin...

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Two guys are invited to a costume party, where the theme is ‘Come as an emotional state’.

They arrive at the party and ring the bell. The host comes out and sees they are completely naked, one with his dick inside a hollowed out pear, and the other with his dick dipped into a bowl of yellow goop.

“Oh my god! What are you supposed to be?” she asks.

The first guy replies “Wel...

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What is yellow and turns red when you push the button?

Duckling in a blender.

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Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life

A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.

Red = cherry
Yellow = lemon
Green = lime
Orange = orange

Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesa...

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Two archeologists are taking a piss

Two archeologists are out taking a piss in a remote area when a snake hidden in the grass bites the first one on the tip of his cock.

Archeologist 1 : I got bitten on the tip of my cock by a snake with yellow and blue rings

Archeologist 2 : that sounds pretty bad and there is no hospit...

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If men who like Asians have Yellow Fever what do men who like gigantic breasts have?

Boobonic Plague

What's yellow inside, black outside, silent, and extremely lethal?

A little ninja chicken.

What bust?

A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.

"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"

So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.

Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a ma...

Chip shop fight

I got into a fight with a chip shop owner, we were wrestling on the floor and one of his assistents chucked yellow gunk over us, as I got up the owner pushed me and I fell into the fryer and in that moment I knew i'd been battered.

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Joe goes to the doctor because his penis has turned yellow.

Upon hearing Joe's description of the problem, the doctor examines Joe and exclaims "Wow you're right. It's bright yellow! I've never seen such a thing. How long has it been yellow?"

Joe says "I only noticed it about two days but I dont know how it happened doc."

The doc says "Well, ha...

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

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I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’

‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back.

‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly

‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said

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Native American called Onestone

There once was a native American who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
...

What's yellow and you definitely should not drink?

A schoolbus

Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow?

It's got bananas for scales

A son to his father

S. Dad dad

D. Yes son?

S. How come you are black, mom is white and im yellow?

*the dad re adjusting his sit*

D. Son if you knew what went down that night im surprized you'r not barking right now.

What happened to the frog who parked his car on the yellow lines?

It got toad

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

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A little girl was visiting her grandfather and asked him to read her a book, as she was bored

“Alright I suppose I will....”, gave in her grandfather, “...but you are going to have to get me my glasses”, he said.

The girl replied, “why do you need glasses?”

“Well, since I’m getting old, I can’t see very well without them!”, he exclaimed.

The girl took the grandfather out...

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

The Pterodactyl’s Dilemma

Once there was a young Pterodactyl who really needed to use the restroom, but was too shy to do so in front of the other dinosaurs. So it decided to fly up to the tallest tree he could see and tried to do so there. As soon as it reached the top, the Pterodactyl thought to itself “I can’t do it here,...

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Yellow.

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?

So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why is there yellow in the Flag of Belgium?

To slow down the German vehicles a little bit before they reach the white flag.

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Why is piss yellow and jizz white?

So that you know if you are cumming or going.

Came home the other day and my grandpa turned me into a young, slow-witted boy with a yellow shirt.

I was Morty-fied

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Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctor feeling ill. After checking the man over the doctor looks worried ‘ I don’t know how to break this to you, but you have a terminal disease known as yellow 24. Your blood will turn yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. I suggest you go and spend time with your loved ones...

what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?

Red

Why did French use yellow as the color for their angry vest movement ?

It fits so well with their teeth.

Day 1 in the pathology lab lecture. All the students entered the lab.

Lab Assistant: Alright, today is the 1st lecture and we are going to do a urine test. Go get your urine sample in a cup.

Students get their samples in a cup.

LA: Now the first test we will do is physical examination.

(He dips his finger in the cup, licks it)
LA: Hmm, salty wi...

A brunette was hopping down a road......

She was singing "26! 26! 26! 26!"

A blonde crosses her path and asks what she's doing

"I'm playing a game!" The brunette replies.
"OOH A GAME! IT LOOKS SO FUN OH MY GOD CAN I PLAY?"
"sure! You just hop down this yellow line and say 26 for every jump!"

The blonde joins the ...

NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The ...

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

My computer decided to replace all my icons to this weird yellow bubble with headphones...

The Audacity...

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I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

I make a living selling dehydrated body fluids, especially blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm.

I'm well renouned for my dry humors.

My dad said there's too much red, yellow and blue in my house.

That's not my primary concern right now.

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth).

Weird flex, but OK.

I heard that some colorblind people see red as yellow..

God only knows why all of these people bought BMWs.

What's yellow and feeds on dead beatles?

Yoko Ono

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

Why was Hellen Keller’s leg always yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

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A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

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