This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

Saving a Christian.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestan...

Andre the Giant takes a commercial flight

The Giant is seated in a bulkhead seat for extra space. It’s still a tight fit for this behemoth of a man. He starts to take apart the armrest between his seat and the one next to him in hopes of creating a bit more space before takeoff. A flight attendant approached him asking if she could get h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were riding on a motorcycle...

The man in front was getting annoyed, because his jacket had lost a button and was flapping in the wind. So he turned the jacket around backward, and the two of them were on their way.

Sadly, the two men crashed into a tree. One police officer who happened to be in the area arrived first on...

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you.

Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.

(Shout out to Emo Philips)

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This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine

I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!

-Emo Philips

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”



And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”



So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”



The man s...

I caught a big fish!

I was going to mount it, but there were people around!

Source: Emo Philips

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