I feel I'm quite a cosmopolitan man, so I'm not phased if I have to buy sanitary products

But, apparently, they're not a 'proper' present

A man decides to go to a bar where he sees a blonde woman.

Conversation begins and the two hit it off. The blonde eventually asks the man when his birthday is.

“March 1st,” the man replies. Suddenly, the blonde gets up and stomps around the bar before coming back to her seat.

“So when is your birthday?” the woman again asks.

Not bein...

English

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling ha...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nea...

The NAACP was furious

When blackboards were phased out by whiteboards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England visits a hospital....

And while she is there, the doctor is showing her his most peculiar patients. He brings her to the first patient, and they catch the man inside masturbating ferociously. The Queen is clearly outraged while the doctor doesn't appear to be phased at all by this. The Queen turns to the doctor and says...

The avengers walk into a bar

Except vision. He phased.

Calculus Joke

A mathematician goes a little wacky in the brain, so they put him in a Psychiatric Ward. While there, he realizes he can have a little bit of fun with the other patients. He walks up to one patient and says "Hey, get out of my face before I differentiate you!" Terrified, the mental patient runs away...

A Catholic priest walks into a bar...

Him clearly being depressed, the bartender asks him whats wrong, however the priest is insistent that they cut the chatter and asks for the strongest drink they've got. He goes at it for hours, keeps up longer than anyone the bartenders ever seen. Finally the bartender asks "Y'know, I always wonde...

An Italian, Irish and Polish construction workers take their lunch break on a rooftop at their job site.

The Italian man opens his lunch pail and in despondently exclaims,

"Spaghetti and meatballs *again*!? Every day my wife makes me the same thing and I just can't take it anymore."

The Irishman opens his lunch pail and angrily declares,

"Shepard's pie, ugh!!! Another day of Shepar...

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