What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics

What do you call a couple of EMT’s?

A pair of medics.

What does an EMT look for in a girl?

A pulse

So my dad died last year

We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.

Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better plac...

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An EMT is treating an elderly man in his home

An EMT is treating an elderly man suffering from a heart attack at his home.

The medics strap him in and set the gurney into the back of the ambulance when they stop to ask the mans wife a few questions.

"Now just start at the beginning and tell me what happened"

The old woman...

Why do EMTs always travel in groups of two?

Because they're a pair-a-medics!

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A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

My friend is an EMT, and she's amazing on trivia night.

She's usually the first responder.

A re-purposed religious joke for current events

A man went out without a mask, and was met with glaring eyes everywhere he went. He finally got to the store when someone confronted him as he got in.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to put on a mask. It's policy to wear one when you come in" said the guard blocking the doorway.

"No! I d...

Why did the pirate decide to become an EMT

He wanted to do CP-ARRRRRRR!

What do you call two twin emt officers?

A pair of medics

What did the EMT say to the choking guy at Taco Bell?

Live más.

A 6-year-old walks into a bar...

The bartender tells says they don't serve minors as all they have are hard liquors. The child says he wants two whiskies then a malt. The bartender says that he needs to see ID. The child shows an ID from another country, claiming he is 95 years old. The bartender gives the child the ID back and ask...

I was going to tell a mean joke about EMT's but I didn't wanna get...

... carried away.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...cal...

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Heard this from my brother....

Back story: We are both firefighters and brother is EMT.

Me: “Ah shoot, I hit my elbow, gosh it hurts.”

Brother: “I have some Tryactin in my truck.”

Me: “Do you think it will help?”

Brother: “Let’s see, (pauses)....”

Me: “Well...?”

Brother: “Try actin’ like ...

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A cop marries a girl he's never had sex with.

Figuring she is naive, on the wedding night he drops his pants and says, "Do you know what this is, honey?" His wife giggles and blushes and says, "Oh it's your little wee-wee." The cop says, "This, dear, is a cock." The wife sys, "Hey, I've dated firemen and EMTs, and believe me, that's a little we...

Where the experts are

As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”
“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”

Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest

And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.

"Did you see the plane crash?" asked the EMTs.

"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.

"None of them survive...

So apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

Wish they told me that before I became an EMT.

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An EMT was called to a scene in the ghetto

This is actually a true story.

My friend who was an EMT working in South Los Angeles was called to a Domestic Violence scene in Compton. Upon arriving on the scene, a man was sitting on the front porch holding the back of his head where blood was spilling out.

"Are you okay? What happ...

The two young artichokes were very much in love.

The couple were strolling down the boulevard one sunny afternoon. Up ahead, a delivery truck had a blowout and swerved across two lanes, finally jumping the curb and hitting the boy artichoke, knocking him flat.

It was awful. The ambulance came and the EMTs did their best to resuscitate him. ...

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

A bystander offered to give a bleeding man some blood.

When the EMTs asked him if he was sure his blood was compatible, he replied,

"O, positive."

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A White Man, A Black Man and A Jewish Man...

...were out joyriding in a car they had stolen. They ran a red light and got slammed into by a semi. All three died. They found themselves standing before Satan, scared shitless. The Devil says, "Fellas, it's my birthday and I'm feeling generous so I'll offer you a deal. Each of you give me $10...

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Moroccan jews jokes

I don't know how well these jokes will translate, but I'll give it a try... :)

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

A Moroccan jewish mom is running and screaming at the beach : Heeelp, my son, the lawyer, is drowning!

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Two Moroc...

How many times is this guy going to fall down the stairs?

Until he sticks the landing. Full story---> I could hardly sleep last night because two of my tenants were up all night drinking and taking their medicine. As he was trying to take a cab to his doctors appointment, he fell down the stairs. I didnt want to move him in case his head or neck was ...

A man died of blood loss on his way to the Hospital

The EMT was asked why, and he replied --

"I kept asking him for his blood type, but he just wasn't able to tell me. He was too out of it"

The Doctor sighed. "Well for our records and for the sake of the family did he have any last words? Did he suffer?"

"Well.." the nurse repli...

I don't know where else to put this...

Back in the mid 80's when I was taking an EMT course to volunteer on the local ambulance service we were in the middle of a class on bodily fluids and gloves and masks.
During the lecture, the instructor asked us "Do you know what the first sign of A.I.D.S is?". It being a new thing back then w...

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