Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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(True story) Friend and I were talking about dick sizes and my mother over hears me say how small I am.

She says in a defensive concerned voice. Noooo.. You're big.....

Mom! How the hell would you even know that?! You haven't seen my junk since I was a baby!

Cause, when you were born the nurses came to me and said you were the biggest of all the other baby boys in the nursery.

I s...

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

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A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital

She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher, his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she repli...

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse

An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my throat lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes w...

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

(NSFW) A woman goes to the clinic to get her "lips" done

We live in a day and age where everything is possible at the plastic surgeon. And this woman had thought to have something done about her "lips" (down there) so scheduled a meeting with the surgeon.

The surgeon evaluated her and said that it would not be a problem and she could have her oper...

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

Why did the hospital send all the nurses to art school

So they could learn how to draw blood

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A magician was performing at a nursing home.

The magician said he was going to hypnotize the people that he was performing for. He started hypnotizing them with his watch. When they were hypnotized the magician dropped the watch and he said "shit!". The nurses had a hard time after.

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Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on!

The 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'l was, but after two ju...

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

I found a secret Christian sect founded by the women who breastfed Christ when Mary couldn’t.

Jehovah’s Wet Nurses

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