A man walks into the Irish bar

The barman says:

-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.

-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man

-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?

Nevermind, it's not that funny.

Wanna hear a time traveling joke?

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nev...

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A mother is driving her son to soccer practice behind Lorena Bobbitt, who flung her husband's severed penis out the window

The penis hit the mother's windshield, and her son yelled out "What was That???"

The mother said, "Nevermind, it was just a bug"

The son replied, "Did you see the pecker on that thing?!"

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What did Spencer Elden say about being on the Nirvana album art?

Nevermind.

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

My life is a joke

Wait nevermind, jokes have meaning

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

A FedEx driver, UPS driver, and USPS driver walk into a bar...

Nevermind, you wouldn't get the delivery from the FedEx driver.

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

Amish people of Reddit

wait nevermind

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

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I'm proud to say I've never paid for sex.

Nevermind that I have several pimps and prostitutes looking for me.

My wife left me because of how insecure I am.

Nevermind, she is back. She was just getting some tea.

In a restaurant

I went into a restaurant and ordered everything in Chinese, which surprised everyone in the Italian restaurant. I ordered the chicken and noticed how cold it was.

I said "Hang on, this chicken's cold"

The waiter said "I'm not surprised, it's been dead 2 weeks"

I said "And one of...

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Police officer: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

What did the ocean say to the ocean?

I sea you

Nevermind

They just waved at each over

Have you heard the one about the hydroxide ion?

Nevermind, it's really basic

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

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Julie asks an annoying man if he wants to hear a joke about her vagina

Man: Hell Yes........
Julie: Nevermind, You will never get it

Y'all ready for a dark joke?

Nevermind you won't see it coming

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,

wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

I was gonna tell a joke about bread..

But nevermind it was stale

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner...

And all of them are happily sat there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

“Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.

John is the first to speak up...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

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Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

A Rabbi is rushing to see a dying member of his congregation...

...in New York City. He's circling trying to find a parking spot by the hospital as tome is ticking down. After 15 minutes of circling, he looks to the sky and says "God, please help me find a parking spot." As his eyes move from the sky back to the road, he sees a car leaving a spot right in front ...

Quarantine has lasted so long I forgot which key locks my front door.

As I was leaving the house, I tried to lock the door but used the wrong key. As I fiddled through my keys, trying them unsuccessfully in the lock, my girlfriend chimed in, "Can't find the hole again?"

"No," I replied, trying another key, "It's been so long I can't remember which-. Wait, what ...

Do you wanna hear a Corona virus joke?

Nevermind, you'll probably spread it around.

I just made up a really good fencing joke!

EDIT: Nevermind, apparently it's a riposte.

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A long time married couple is talking about what they'd do if one of them was paralyzed in an accident...

The husband asks, "What if we got into a car accident, and while I somehow miraculously came out of it okay, you ended up paralyzed from the neck down. You need a trach tube, a full time assistant, electric wheelchair, the whole works... Would you... You know...? " the husband trails off.

Th...

A professor is lecturing his students...

Professor: In English, a double negative is a positive, in Russian a double negative is a negative, but there is no language where a double positive is a negative.

Student: *rolls eyes* Yeah right!

Professor: nevermind

A ghost walks into a bar.

Wait, nevermind, it went through it.

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For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

911 What's your emergency?

**Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!

**911:** Did you check your pockets?

**Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind.

You wanna see my belt of watches?

Nevermind it would be a waist of time

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"

Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"

Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or havi...

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Nevermind, I'm not gonna spread it

Wife: "Honey, I think I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "Nevermind, I know I'm pregnant."

Gf left me

My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......

Nevermind, Hair loss

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A family councilor was having a group discussion with several parents and their children.

Councilor: You, parents, have named your kids after something you greatly value.

Parent 1: Oh, so I named my daughter Shelby because I like cars?

Councilor: Yes, that's the right idea.

Parent 2: And I named my girl Ruby because I love jewelry!

Councilor: That's correct....

My girlfriend asked if I could know how and when I was going to die, would I want to know?

Me: “no”

Her: “nevermind”

A man wants to park his car. But there are no spots.

So he gets out of his car and goes down to his knees and he prays: ‘o lord, if you find me a spot I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink beer again.’

The moment he gets up he sees a spot and screams: ‘nevermind I already found one.’

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.

It makes no cents.

I am going tell a joke about a black hole

Nevermind, it just sucks.

Hey Reddit, have you heard the one about the earthen cow?

Nevermind .. it's just another terra-bull joke.

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A man's looking for a parking space

However, parking is terrible, and the traffic is pouring in. At wit's end, the man turns to God.

"Lord, please, please, help me find a parking spot. I'll stop my drinking, stop my cursing, I'll stop looking at porn- oop, nevermind, here's one."

Ban?????

"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"

"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."

"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"

Wanna hear a joke about suicide?

Ah, nevermind, I'll leave you hanging

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

Have you guys seen my new invisibility cloak?

Oh wait nevermind

An old lady returns to a grocery store and approaches the cashier.

Cashier: "Hello, how can I help you?"

Lady: "I think you made a mistake with the change, yesterday. There is a difference of €50!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept any claims once you have left the store yesterday. Next time, please come to us immediately whenever you have con...

Have you heard the dirty pun about the teenager who got his teacher pregnant?

Nevermind, it's just a juvenile dad joke.

Knock Knock

-Who’s there?

Broken pencil

-Broken pencil who?




Nevermind this is pointless.

First women in space.

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Whats the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us."
"I'm fine."

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

Have you heard the joke about your neighbor?

Actually, nevermind. That might be a little too close to home.

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

A blind man with a seeing eye dog walks into a bar

He reaches down, grabs his dog by the back legs and starts swinging him around in circles.

Alarmed, the bartender yells, “Hey! What are you doing?”

“Oh nevermind me,” says the blind man, “I’m just having a look around.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

A police call with a blonde

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice ca...

Two scientists are studying a volcano. One says 'yep, she's gonna blow'.

The other says 'nevermind her, what about the volcano?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the name of the second studio album by Nirvana?

Nevermind, I found it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind members of Reddit, what is your greatest life achievement?

Fuck, nevermind

Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

I met a girl named Nirvana yesterday...

I asked her "Did your parents give you than name while you were still In Utero?". She was like "What?".. I just shook my head and said "Nevermind...".

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.

Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).

So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made...

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

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