Nevermind, it's not that funny.

Wanna hear a time traveling joke?

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

In a restaurant

I went into a restaurant and ordered everything in Chinese, which surprised everyone in the Italian restaurant. I ordered the chicken and noticed how cold it was.

I said "Hang on, this chicken's cold"

The waiter said "I'm not surprised, it's been dead 2 weeks"

I said "And one of...

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

I have a good set of unemployment jokes.

Nevermind none of them work

What did the ocean say to the ocean?

I sea you

Nevermind

They just waved at each over

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

My wife left me because of how insecure I am.

Nevermind, she is back. She was just getting some tea.

Have you heard the one about the hydroxide ion?

Nevermind, it's really basic

I was gonna tell a joke about bread..

But nevermind it was stale

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,

wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Police officer: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Julie asks an annoying man if he wants to hear a joke about her vagina

Man: Hell Yes........
Julie: Nevermind, You will never get it

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner...

And all of them are happily sat there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

“Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.

John is the first to speak up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

A patient goes to a greedy doctor to get a rash checked out.

The doctor prescribes him an ointment, but realizes he has no insurance and cannot pay for it. The following interaction ensues.

Doctor: Hey, do you wanna hear a joke about this ointment?

Patient: Sure.

Doctor: Eh...Nevermind. You're not gonna get it, it's topical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

A Rabbi is rushing to see a dying member of his congregation...

...in New York City. He's circling trying to find a parking spot by the hospital as tome is ticking down. After 15 minutes of circling, he looks to the sky and says "God, please help me find a parking spot." As his eyes move from the sky back to the road, he sees a car leaving a spot right in front ...

I have a joke about a Nirvana album... Oh, wait...

Nevermind

Do you wanna hear a Corona virus joke?

Nevermind, you'll probably spread it around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

Why did the chicken crossed the road

Beca- nevermind it got ran over

A professor is lecturing his students...

Professor: In English, a double negative is a positive, in Russian a double negative is a negative, but there is no language where a double positive is a negative.

Student: *rolls eyes* Yeah right!

Professor: nevermind

I have a good joke about 2020

Nevermind, in hindsight it wasn't that good.

A ghost walks into a bar.

Wait, nevermind, it went through it.

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"

Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"

Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or havi...

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

I just made up a really good fencing joke!

EDIT: Nevermind, apparently it's a riposte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

Two Paraplegics Walk Into A Bar,

Nevermind they rolled

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family councilor was having a group discussion with several parents and their children.

Councilor: You, parents, have named your kids after something you greatly value.

Parent 1: Oh, so I named my daughter Shelby because I like cars?

Councilor: Yes, that's the right idea.

Parent 2: And I named my girl Ruby because I love jewelry!

Councilor: That's correct....

You wanna see my belt of watches?

Nevermind it would be a waist of time

Gf left me

My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......

Nevermind, Hair loss

My girlfriend asked if I could know how and when I was going to die, would I want to know?

Me: “no”

Her: “nevermind”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Nevermind, I don’t want to spread it.

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

911 What's your emergency?

**Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!

**911:** Did you check your pockets?

**Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind.

I went to a clinic to get my eye checked... You won’t guess who I bumped into.

Nevermind it wasn’t a clinic. :/

Wife: "Honey, I think I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "Nevermind, I know I'm pregnant."

A man wants to park his car. But there are no spots.

So he gets out of his car and goes down to his knees and he prays: ‘o lord, if you find me a spot I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink beer again.’

The moment he gets up he sees a spot and screams: ‘nevermind I already found one.’

A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.

It makes no cents.

I am going tell a joke about a black hole

Nevermind, it just sucks.

Hey Reddit, have you heard the one about the earthen cow?

Nevermind .. it's just another terra-bull joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys ever hear the joke about pussy?

Nah. Nevermind, you guys probably won't get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's looking for a parking space

However, parking is terrible, and the traffic is pouring in. At wit's end, the man turns to God.

"Lord, please, please, help me find a parking spot. I'll stop my drinking, stop my cursing, I'll stop looking at porn- oop, nevermind, here's one."

An old lady returns to a grocery store and approaches the cashier.

Cashier: "Hello, how can I help you?"

Lady: "I think you made a mistake with the change, yesterday. There is a difference of €50!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept any claims once you have left the store yesterday. Next time, please come to us immediately whenever you have con...

Have you heard the dirty pun about the teenager who got his teacher pregnant?

Nevermind, it's just a juvenile dad joke.

Knock Knock

-Who’s there?

Broken pencil

-Broken pencil who?




Nevermind this is pointless.

Did you hear about the guy who stole all the bananas from the market?

Nevermind, the story wouldn't appeel to you.

Have you guys seen my new invisibility cloak?

Oh wait nevermind

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

Wanna hear a joke about suicide?

Ah, nevermind, I'll leave you hanging

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

A blind man with a seeing eye dog walks into a bar

He reaches down, grabs his dog by the back legs and starts swinging him around in circles.

Alarmed, the bartender yells, “Hey! What are you doing?”

“Oh nevermind me,” says the blind man, “I’m just having a look around.”

The F meme has officialy died

F

Nevermind, it came back

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

Did you hear the joke about the circle?

Nevermind. The punchline wasn't straightforward anyways.

Ban?????

"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"

"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."

"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"

Two scientists are studying a volcano. One says 'yep, she's gonna blow'.

The other says 'nevermind her, what about the volcano?'

A police call with a blonde

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the name of the second studio album by Nirvana?

Nevermind, I found it.

"Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?"

"Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉

I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.

First women in space.

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Whats the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us."
"I'm fine."

Have you heard the joke about your neighbor?

Actually, nevermind. That might be a little too close to home.

A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...

After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..

Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a ...

My heart’s been having some problems...

Nevermind. It stopped.

Things are so bad in the U.S...

...that I bet the EU could protect the rights of U.S. citizens better than the U.S. government can.

Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.

Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).

So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made...

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

“Hey, have you heard the joke about a guy who kept procrastinating?” “No. Can you tell me?”

“Actually, nevermind, I’ll tell you later.”

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

I met a girl named Nirvana yesterday...

I asked her "Did your parents give you than name while you were still In Utero?". She was like "What?".. I just shook my head and said "Nevermind...".

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite lame jokes?

"Wanna hear a pizza joke?"

"Nevermind, it's too cheesy."

Does anyone know where I can find the "Surrender" Emoji?

Nevermind the French flag works fine. 🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷

Knock, knock

>Who's there?

>> The Australian digital police.

> The Australian digital police who?

>> What? Oh, nevermind. We just let ourselves in through the back door.

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