UPJOKE
come as you arelithiumrolling stonenirvanapixieskurt cobainbleachgrungetimedave grohldangerousdifferencedifferentialdifferentiatediscrepancy

Wanna hear a joke about construction?

Nevermind, I'm not done working on it

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

My friend studies mushrooms

So I told him he's a fun guy.

He says that's the moldest joke in the book.

I said it's a classic, one you myght call OG.

"Amanita explanation on that one," he says.

"Nevermind," I say, "s'porely written anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think the pharmacy accidentally switched my antidepressants with Viagra.

I have an erection, and I've been crying all day.

Update: Nevermind, it's just a typical Thursday.

A man walks into the Irish bar

The barman says:

-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.

-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man

-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

I want to invent a belt that tells what time it is.

Actually nevermind, it’ll be a waist of time.

Once there was a young man with a wooden eye.

Now, he's very self conscious of his eye. Every year, the annual village dance comes around, and every year, he stands off to the side, feeling sorry for himself.

This year was no different. As he's standing there, all melancholy, he spots a young lady with a wooden leg. She too is standing ...

A Salesman is Late for an Important Meeting.

A Salesman is Late for an important meeting, but as he is driving around looking for a parking spot, he realises they are all taken. Desperately, he begins to pray

"Please lord!" He says, "If you let me find a spot I will attend church every week and never drink beer again!"

Suddenly, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oooooh BURN!

Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.

(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)

Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

You want to hear the one about the broken pencil?

Nevermind, it’s pointless

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nev...

A man is looking for a parking space...

And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."

The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.

"Neverm...

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

Apparently if you leave your car parked overnight on the highway the next morning it sounds like you have more horsepower.

Nevermind turns out my catalytic converter got stolen.

My life is a joke

Wait nevermind, jokes have meaning

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I'm an environmental hipster

I believed in global warming before it was co... nevermind.

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother is driving her son to soccer practice behind Lorena Bobbitt, who flung her husband's severed penis out the window

The penis hit the mother's windshield, and her son yelled out "What was That???"

The mother said, "Nevermind, it was just a bug"

The son replied, "Did you see the pecker on that thing?!"

What did the ocean say to the ocean?

I sea you

Nevermind

They just waved at each over

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm proud to say I've never paid for sex.

Nevermind that I have several pimps and prostitutes looking for me.

In a restaurant

I went into a restaurant and ordered everything in Chinese, which surprised everyone in the Italian restaurant. I ordered the chicken and noticed how cold it was.

I said "Hang on, this chicken's cold"

The waiter said "I'm not surprised, it's been dead 2 weeks"

I said "And one of...

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,

wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

I just made up a really good fencing joke!

EDIT: Nevermind, apparently it's a riposte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

Amish people of Reddit

wait nevermind

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

Have you heard the one about the hydroxide ion?

Nevermind, it's really basic

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

I was gonna tell a joke about bread..

But nevermind it was stale

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

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What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

Ban?????

"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"

"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."

"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Nevermind. I shouldn't spread it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Julie asks an annoying man if he wants to hear a joke about her vagina

Man: Hell Yes........
Julie: Nevermind, You will never get it

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner...

And all of them are happily sat there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

“Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.

John is the first to speak up...

Y'all ready for a dark joke?

Nevermind you won't see it coming

911 What's your emergency?

**Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!

**911:** Did you check your pockets?

**Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind.

Wife: "Honey, I think I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "Nevermind, I know I'm pregnant."

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite lame jokes?

"Wanna hear a pizza joke?"

"Nevermind, it's too cheesy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

A Rabbi is rushing to see a dying member of his congregation...

...in New York City. He's circling trying to find a parking spot by the hospital as tome is ticking down. After 15 minutes of circling, he looks to the sky and says "God, please help me find a parking spot." As his eyes move from the sky back to the road, he sees a car leaving a spot right in front ...

First woman on the moon

W: Houston, we have a problem

H: What is it?

W: Nevermind its nothing

H: What is the problem?

W: Nothing...

H: Tell us what the problem is!

W: NO!

A ghost walks into a bar.

Wait, nevermind, it went through it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

A professor is lecturing his students...

Professor: In English, a double negative is a positive, in Russian a double negative is a negative, but there is no language where a double positive is a negative.

Student: *rolls eyes* Yeah right!

Professor: nevermind

Did you hear the joke about the circle?

Nevermind. The punchline wasn't straightforward anyways.

Gf left me

My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......

Nevermind, Hair loss

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

Wanna hear a joke about suicide?

Ah, nevermind, I'll leave you hanging

A man wants to park his car. But there are no spots.

So he gets out of his car and goes down to his knees and he prays: ‘o lord, if you find me a spot I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink beer again.’

The moment he gets up he sees a spot and screams: ‘nevermind I already found one.’

Two Paraplegics Walk Into A Bar,

Nevermind they rolled

I met a girl named Nirvana yesterday...

I asked her "Did your parents give you than name while you were still In Utero?". She was like "What?".. I just shook my head and said "Nevermind...".

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"

Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"

Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or havi...

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family councilor was having a group discussion with several parents and their children.

Councilor: You, parents, have named your kids after something you greatly value.

Parent 1: Oh, so I named my daughter Shelby because I like cars?

Councilor: Yes, that's the right idea.

Parent 2: And I named my girl Ruby because I love jewelry!

Councilor: That's correct....

My girlfriend asked if I could know how and when I was going to die, would I want to know?

Me: “no”

Her: “nevermind”

A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.

It makes no cents.

Have you guys seen my new invisibility cloak?

Oh wait nevermind

I went to a clinic to get my eye checked... You won’t guess who I bumped into.

Nevermind it wasn’t a clinic. :/

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's looking for a parking space

However, parking is terrible, and the traffic is pouring in. At wit's end, the man turns to God.

"Lord, please, please, help me find a parking spot. I'll stop my drinking, stop my cursing, I'll stop looking at porn- oop, nevermind, here's one."

I am going tell a joke about a black hole

Nevermind, it just sucks.

Hey Reddit, have you heard the one about the earthen cow?

Nevermind .. it's just another terra-bull joke.

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