Nevermind Jokes - 75 Hilarious Nevermind Jokes

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

Nevermind, it's not that funny.

Wanna hear a time traveling joke?

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite lame jokes?

"Wanna hear a pizza joke?"

"Nevermind, it's too cheesy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

Did you hear the one about the drill?

Nevermind

It's boring.

In a restaurant

I went into a restaurant and ordered everything in Chinese, which surprised everyone in the Italian restaurant. I ordered the chicken and noticed how cold it was.

I said "Hang on, this chicken's cold"

The waiter said "I'm not surprised, it's been dead 2 weeks"

I said "And one of...

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

A woman goes to the doctor for a routine checkup

During the examination she asks the gynecologist if she can tell a joke.

The doctor says "yes"

The woman says "knock knock"

"Who's there"

"Oh, nevermind, you're already inside"

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me "What's your favorite album?"

I said "It's the one with a baby's penis on the cover".

He said "Nevermind."

A professor is lecturing his students...

Professor: In English, a double negative is a positive, in Russian a double negative is a negative, but there is no language where a double positive is a negative.

Student: *rolls eyes* Yeah right!

Professor: nevermind

A ghost walks into a bar.

Wait, nevermind, it went through it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oooooh BURN!

Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.

(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)

Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.

First woman on the moon

W: Houston, we have a problem

H: What is it?

W: Nevermind its nothing

H: What is the problem?

W: Nothing...

H: Tell us what the problem is!

W: NO!

A man is running late to an interview and is waiting for a taxi outside of his apartment complex.

If he nails the interview it can land him a very high paying job that can change his life.With no taxi in sight the man starts to get desperate. He looks up and says "God please please help me get a taxi. I know I haven't been an exemplary human but please I need this break at this point in my life....

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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Nevermind, I don’t want to spread it.

My friend studies mushrooms

So I told him he's a fun guy.

He says that's the moldest joke in the book.

I said it's a classic, one you myght call OG.

"Amanita explanation on that one," he says.

"Nevermind," I say, "s'porely written anyway."

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

I want to invent a belt that tells what time it is.

Actually nevermind, it’ll be a waist of time.

Ban?????

"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"

"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."

"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"

I have a good Nirvana joke for y’all.

On second thought, Nevermind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space...

"Lord", he prays, "I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the parking lot. Without hesitation the Irishman says, "Actually nevermind, I have found one."...

A man walks into the Irish bar

The barman says:

-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.

-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man

-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

You want to hear the one about the broken pencil?

Nevermind, it’s pointless

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nev...

Apparently if you leave your car parked overnight on the highway the next morning it sounds like you have more horsepower.

Nevermind turns out my catalytic converter got stolen.

A Salesman is Late for an Important Meeting.

A Salesman is Late for an important meeting, but as he is driving around looking for a parking spot, he realises they are all taken. Desperately, he begins to pray

"Please lord!" He says, "If you let me find a spot I will attend church every week and never drink beer again!"

Suddenly, ...

I'm an environmental hipster

I believed in global warming before it was co... nevermind.

Three criminals are on the run from the law...

when they stumble onto a farm just before nightfall and decide to lay low in the barn until the heat is off. Just when they decide to leave, the farmer (after hearing reports on the radio of thieves on the loose) comes outside and sits down at the main entrance to guard the property with his shotgun...

What did the ocean say to the ocean?

I sea you

Nevermind

They just waved at each over

Amish people of Reddit

wait nevermind

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,

wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

A man is looking for a parking space...

And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."

The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.

"Neverm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm proud to say I've never paid for sex.

Nevermind that I have several pimps and prostitutes looking for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother is driving her son to soccer practice behind Lorena Bobbitt, who flung her husband's severed penis out the window

The penis hit the mother's windshield, and her son yelled out "What was That???"

The mother said, "Nevermind, it was just a bug"

The son replied, "Did you see the pecker on that thing?!"

Once there was a young man with a wooden eye.

Now, he's very self conscious of his eye. Every year, the annual village dance comes around, and every year, he stands off to the side, feeling sorry for himself.

This year was no different. As he's standing there, all melancholy, he spots a young lady with a wooden leg. She too is standing ...

I was gonna tell a joke about bread..

But nevermind it was stale

Have you heard the one about the hydroxide ion?

Nevermind, it's really basic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer is arm deep milking his stud getting him ready for breeding,

nevermind I know you see this punchline cumming from a mile away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

Y'all ready for a dark joke?

Nevermind you won't see it coming

Things are so bad in the U.S...

...that I bet the EU could protect the rights of U.S. citizens better than the U.S. government can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Julie asks an annoying man if he wants to hear a joke about her vagina

Man: Hell Yes........
Julie: Nevermind, You will never get it

Did you hear the joke about the circle?

Nevermind. The punchline wasn't straightforward anyways.

I met a girl named Nirvana yesterday...

I asked her "Did your parents give you than name while you were still In Utero?". She was like "What?".. I just shook my head and said "Nevermind...".

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

Wife: "Honey, I think I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "Nevermind, I know I'm pregnant."

Two Paraplegics Walk Into A Bar,

Nevermind they rolled

My girlfriend asked if I could know how and when I was going to die, would I want to know?

Me: “no”

Her: “nevermind”

I went to a clinic to get my eye checked... You won’t guess who I bumped into.

Nevermind it wasn’t a clinic. :/

A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.

It makes no cents.

Gf left me

My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......

Nevermind, Hair loss

Wanna hear a joke about suicide?

Ah, nevermind, I'll leave you hanging

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

Have you guys seen my new invisibility cloak?

Oh wait nevermind

I am going tell a joke about a black hole

Nevermind, it just sucks.

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

Have you heard the dirty pun about the teenager who got his teacher pregnant?

Nevermind, it's just a juvenile dad joke.

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the name of the second studio album by Nirvana?

Nevermind, I found it.

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