UPJOKE
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You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Glasses

"How much do you weigh?"

"Precisely 75 kg when I'm wearing my glasses."

"What about when you are not wearing your glasses?"

"No idea. Can't see shit."

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

Glasses for Work

I came home from work last night exhausted. I said to my wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."
Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"
"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or n...

My wife said, “I can’t see too well with my new glasses.”

I said, “That’s weird. How about the other numbers? Can you see them okay?”

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In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

I think I need glasses

Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainty do this is a bank."

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” sai...

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A spectator.

Whats the difference between a pair of glasses and a chickpea?

I've never had a pair of glasses on my face.

Yo momma's glasses are so thick...

... when she looks at maps, she can see people waving back at her.

Why do jokes about glasses never work?

They're just a little on the nose.

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

What the difference between glasses and a girl with glasses?

:glasses seem to sit a bit higher on my face

What happened to the pirate who started wearing glasses?

People started calling him "Three Eyes."

Glasses to see people naked

Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and see...

He took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, why, you’re beautiful.”

She said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

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Lets raise our glasses!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, d...

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

Doctor: You need glasses!!

Patient: How could you tell?

Doctor: I knew as soon as you walked through the window

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Glasses

A man walks into the opticians and asks if they can make him a new pair of glasses. the optician looks up the man's records and says, "We only made your glasses two months ago, how did they break.?" the man said, "They broke while I was kissing my girlfriend," The optician said, "How can you break y...

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

I need glasses to se my family..

specially two glasses or scotch

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows ba...

I wore glasses to my job interview

Because getting a good job is all about optics.

My Daughter woke me up.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month.
"I don't know," I said as I slipped on my
glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up wit...

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

What do you call a kid with ADHD who needs glasses?

AD420p

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses.

The rest is a blur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

Jesus walks into a bar...

Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.

He takes a stool by the bar and orders, "13 glasses of water please" while winking at his group.

Doctor, Doctor! I think I need glasses!

You certainly do, sir. This is a fish and chip shop.

Why would a phone need glasses?

When it's lost its contacts.

How do nudists clean their glasses?

Very genitally.

What type of glasses make you blind?

Shot glasses.

Donald Trump is 73 years old and doesnt wear glasses

Because he's got 2020.



P.S. - I'm not even from America so pls dont hate me

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

A man goes home after being at his mistress' house

However, he realized that he smelled like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey and heads home.

His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You dirty pig! You can pour a gallon of women perfume over yourself and I'll know that you'v...

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

Never hit a man with glasses

Fists are just more efficient

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump needs glasses.

There’s a lot of stuff he does NAZI.

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