Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you... I have good contacts

Why don’t football players wear glasses?

It’s a contact sport.

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

What do you call a hooved ruminant wearing glasses?

A bad-eyed deer.

If Covid 19 has forced you or a loved one to wear a mask with your glasses,

You may be entitled to condensation.

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

Glasses just for looks

I wear my glasses just for looks. I can't look at anything without them.

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

People with fogged up glasses from wearing a mask: have you considered using a monocle?

It only fogs up half as much.

I think I need glasses now.

I can't see 2020 anymore.

An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!


"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to the same bar every saturday and orders three glass of whiskey...

and after quickly drinking the whiskey, he leaves the bar.

After doing this more than a year, bartender gets curious and asks him:

"If you dont mind me asking, why do you always order three shots?"

"I got me a two brother, mate. We used to get together and order one glass of wh...

What type of glasses do gingerbread man wear?

Eye Candy

The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A Spec-tator

Doctor: You need glasses!!

Patient: How could you tell?

Doctor: I knew as soon as you walked through the window

What kind of glasses do people who like guys and girls wear?

Bifocals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lets raise our glasses!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, d...

Why did the programmer need glasses?

He couldn’t C#.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

I really must get some glasses

Today I walked into a brothel thinking it was a barbers.

I asked for a number 2 all over!

You should wear glasses while you're doing math

It improves division

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

I've decided to quit wearing my glasses for the rest of the year,

frankly I've seen enough.

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them af...

Guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?

Everyone

In these strange times, the doctors forced me to wear glasses while I was giving birth to my son.

They insisted on contactless delivery.

I need glasses so I can see my family.

Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.

My wife just got back from the opticians with her new glasses. "How do I look?" she asked

"Through the glass bits!!!" I said.

Where does a transformer get his glasses from?

Optometrist Prime

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

I saw a guy wearing glasses indoors.

He looked a little shady.

What's the best name for a pair of glasses?

Seymour

What brand of glasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Okaleys

A good looking lady asks me what I have going on tonight, so I tell her me and a buddy of mine are going glasses shopping.

“Mhmmmm.. and after that?”

“After that, we’ll see”

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is CONCERNING!

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is concerning!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or...

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.



Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''



Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''



God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.



God ...

I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.

My plans after that? Weight and see.

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

My glasses have broken

I can barely look forward to buying new ones

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

A Polish man goes into the optometrist to get new glasses.

The optometrist holds up an eye chart and asks "What do you make of this?" The man responds, "I went to school with that guy."

A woman is mad that her husband is preoccupied with snooker and is ignoring her in bed...



She's had enough and decides that tonight is the night she gets some love in the bedroom. She dresses in the most seductive lingerie she has, pours two glasses of their favourite wine, and waits.

The man comes home after midnight where she meets him at the door. "I'm sick and tired of...

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buffalo Bill walks into a bar.

He tells the barman to put an empty beer glass on the counter top. Then he steps back, unzips his pants, takes out his cock and from 10 feet away, fills the glass with his pee. As everyone claps, he claims :
\- I'm Bill ! Buffalo Bill !

Then a guy stands up at some table, asks the barman...

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman is walking along the beach when he finds a bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie.

The genie says, “I’ll give you one wish.”

The Irishman says, “I wish I could piss Irish whiskey any time I wanted.”

The genie says, “You got it and passes him a glass.”

He pulls out his dick and pisses in the glass, takes a drink and says, “This is the best Irish whiskey I’ve ev...

Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

I might take my glasses off...

seeing in 2020 has kinda sucked so far.

Why was the iPhone wearing glasses?

It lost all its contacts.





Part of my WFH agreement is that I have to check in with my Director (I'm IT PM) every day, so rather than just saying "morning - I'm on!" I am sending her a silly IT joke :D Any good suggestions?

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump needs glasses.

There’s a lot of stuff he does NAZI.

You probably need glasses.

- What?
- I SAID, YOU PROBABLY NEED GLASSES!
- Ohh... Yeah.
- Also a hearing aid.
- What?

Just overheard this in a local McDonald's

People with glasses are elegidly smart

But they can't even pass an eye exam.

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