Glasses Jokes

They paid money to see you.

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

"And then we'll see."

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

**I have contacts.**

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

You may be entitled to condensation.

Because they don't C#.

A spectator.

Everybody.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

I came home from work last night exhausted. I said to my wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."
Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"
"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or n... read more

I said, “That’s weird. How about the other numbers? Can you see them okay?”

Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainty do this is a bank."

:glasses seem to sit a bit higher on my face

Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and see... read more

She said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

... when she looks at maps, she can see people waving back at her.

They're just a little on the nose.

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote... read more

People started calling him "Three Eyes."

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” sai... read more

I've never had a pair of glasses on my face.

It helps with division.

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c... read more

It's a contacts sport

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

Patient: How could you tell?

Doctor: I knew as soon as you walked through the window

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

A man walks into the opticians and asks if they can make him a new pair of glasses. the optician looks up the man's records and says, "We only made your glasses two months ago, how did they break.?" the man said, "They broke while I was kissing my girlfriend," The optician said, "How can you break y... read more

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!... read more

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

AD420p

She drinks right out of the bottle.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows ba... read more

Because getting a good job is all about optics.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month.
"I don't know," I said as I slipped on my
glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up wit... read more

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

I think this is because he's got 2020.

The rest is a blur.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

specially two glasses or scotch

Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.

He takes a stool by the bar and orders, "13 glasses of water please" while winking at his group.

When it's lost its contacts.

Shot glasses.

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af... read more

You certainly do, sir. This is a fish and chip shop.

He wanted to get adult super vision.

Because he's got 2020.



P.S. - I'm not even from America so pls dont hate me

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon... read more

However, he realized that he smelled like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey and heads home.

His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You dirty pig! You can pour a gallon of women perfume over yourself and I'll know that you'v... read more

Very genitally.

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

Fists are just more efficient

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ... read more