UPJOKE
glasswaremirrorbottlestained glasswindowsandwater glasssilicadrinking glassgoblettumblersoda-lime glassenclosesnifterplastic

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

Have you been wearing your glasses while wearing a facemask?

If so, you might be entitled to condensation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

Glasses to see people naked

Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and see...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

The coincidences

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said,

\- “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

\- “What a coincidence,” the farmer said.

\- “This is a special day for me; I am cel...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever heard about the prostitute with bad glasses ?

She couldn't see dick

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses

I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

Respect people who wear glasses

They paid money to see you.

Why should you wear glasses when doing maths?

Because they help with division.

Did you know that people wearing glasses aren't allowed to play american football?

That's because it's a contact sport.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

I wore glasses to my job interview

Because getting a good job is all about optics.

“Hey Son, have you seen my sunglasses?”

No Dad, have you seen my dad glasses?

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

My 87 Year Old Grandmother Still Doesn't Use Glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought some anti-poop glasses.

Now I can't see shit.

What do you call a woman with 10 pint glasses balanced on her head?

Beatrix

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

A man walks into an empty bar

He orders a pint and sits at the bar.
Suddenly he hears a small voice saying:
"That's a lovely shirt you're wearing mate. Suits your body type really well and the pattern is very stylish"

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone other that the bartender. He shrugs and goes back to hi...

A car dealership in Sweden began selling glasses as a secondary front.

They’re calling it “Eye-Kia”.

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

After couple beers, a man at a bar is chatting with the bartender.



"So, how many kegs of beer do you go through in a week?", he asks.

"About twenty," says the bartender.

"I've got a tip that could bring that up to twenty five, if you're interested."

"Absolutely!", says the bartender.

The man looks the bartender in the eyes and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has been telling me for years that I need glasses. I finally decided to go to the eye doctor to prove her wrong.

Now I have to hide these fucking glasses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

Optician.

A man goes to the opticians to get a new pair of glasses, the optician checks his records and finds that the man only had new glasses less than six months before. so he says to the man, "How did you break them, if it was in an accident, we might be able to replace them free."

the man says, "I...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

I'm the reverse Clark Kent

I don't recognize anyone without my eyeglasses.

Doctor, Doctor! I think I need glasses!

You certainly do, sir. This is a fish and chip shop.

Don’t lie to the cops

Man gets pulled over by the police.

"Sir have you been drinking?"

"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."

"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."

"What! You don't believe me?"

A kitchen hand accidently tips over a cart of fine glasses and tableware

Everything comes crashing down right in the middle of the restaurant, causing every head to turn and the room to fall silent.

Suddenly a well-dressed man approaches and comforts the kitchen hand.

"Don't sweat it, these things happen sometimes.. but if I may ask, will the damages come o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

What do you call a deer wearing glasses?

Bad eye deer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman is at the store one day when she sees a sign that says, "X-RAY GLASSES FOR FIFTY DOLLARS".

Thinking it sounds interesting, she grabs a pair of glasses from the shelf and puts it on. Immediately, everyone around her appears to be completely in the nude. When she takes the glasses off, everyone's clothes come back.

Excitedly, the woman parts with fifty big ones and proudly wears her ...

What the difference between glasses and a girl with glasses?

:glasses seem to sit a bit higher on my face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It always bothered me that my tits are small, so I bought some bees and stored them in glasses.

Now i have bee cups.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

Reading The Writing On The Wall...

I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...

...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"

What type of glasses make you blind?

Shot glasses.

I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework.

It improves division

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

Today I turned 50 years old and I still don't need glasses...

I drink straight out of the bottle.

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

Little Johnny’s neighbour

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears. When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ...

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask

I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

How do nudists clean their glasses?

Very genitally.

Jesus walks into a bar…

… and orders “Twelve glasses of water please.”

*** WINKS AT DISCIPLES ***

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

There is a sign at the bar that says no glasses in the bathroom

That's really going to mess up my aim...

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?

Spectacles.

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

I think I might need new glasses

I saw a cute girl at the mall far away from me so I went to her to ask for her number.

When I got close, he was uglier than I expected.

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.