Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

To the person who stole my glasses I will find you

I have contacts

What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses?

Nein Stein

Why don’t football players wear glasses?

It’s a contact sport.

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses..

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

Why do Python developers wear glasses?

Because they can't "C".

Oh hey girl, what's the difference between you and a pair of glasses?

Glasses seem to fit a bit higher on my face

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

If Covid 19 has forced you or a loved one to wear a mask with your glasses,

You may be entitled to condensation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass..

Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

What do you call a hooved ruminant wearing glasses?

A bad-eyed deer.

Glasses just for looks

I wear my glasses just for looks. I can't look at anything without them.

I got some new glasses and I had someone say I am looking good!

Not sure how they know how well I can see out of my glasses but I appreciated the attention!

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

I think I need glasses now.

I can't see 2020 anymore.

The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

Doctor: You need glasses!!

Patient: How could you tell?

Doctor: I knew as soon as you walked through the window

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

A policeman was interviewing 3 guys who want to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh....

An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!


"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.

Little Johnny and the plumber

Little Johnny's parents have a plumber over to fix some issues in the bathroom. As kids do, Johnny roams around the plumber, commenting and asking questions.

At same point, the plumber takes out a screwdriver, and Little Johnny gets excited. "Hey, my dad has two of these. A small one that he...

What kind of glasses do people who like guys and girls wear?

Bifocals

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

What type of glasses do gingerbread man wear?

Eye Candy

People with fogged up glasses from wearing a mask: have you considered using a monocle?

It only fogs up half as much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lets raise our glasses!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to the same bar every saturday and orders three glass of whiskey...

and after quickly drinking the whiskey, he leaves the bar.

After doing this more than a year, bartender gets curious and asks him:

"If you dont mind me asking, why do you always order three shots?"

"I got me a two brother, mate. We used to get together and order one glass of wh...

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A Spec-tator

Why did the programmer need glasses?

He couldn’t C#.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

I need glasses so I can see my family.

Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.

I really must get some glasses

Today I walked into a brothel thinking it was a barbers.

I asked for a number 2 all over!

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

Guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?

Everyone

In these strange times, the doctors forced me to wear glasses while I was giving birth to my son.

They insisted on contactless delivery.

My wife just got back from the opticians with her new glasses. "How do I look?" she asked

"Through the glass bits!!!" I said.

I saw a guy wearing glasses indoors.

He looked a little shady.

Jesus and the twelve disciples walk into a bar.

"Thirteen large glasses of water, please," says Jesus to the bartender, dropping Peter a wink...

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

Where does a transformer get his glasses from?

Optometrist Prime

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.

He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the be...

Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump needs glasses.

There’s a lot of stuff he does NAZI.

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