Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses

I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

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It always bothered me that my tits are small, so I bought some bees and stored them in glasses.

Now i have bee cups.

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My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask

I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

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A blonde woman is at the store one day when she sees a sign that says, "X-RAY GLASSES FOR FIFTY DOLLARS".

Thinking it sounds interesting, she grabs a pair of glasses from the shelf and puts it on. Immediately, everyone around her appears to be completely in the nude. When she takes the glasses off, everyone's clothes come back.

Excitedly, the woman parts with fifty big ones and proudly wears her ...

I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework.

It improves division

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

I think I might need new glasses

I saw a cute girl at the mall far away from me so I went to her to ask for her number.

When I got close, he was uglier than I expected.

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?

Spectacles.

My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses..

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

How do nudists clean their glasses?

Very genitally.

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses?

Nein Stein

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

You know, I’ve been wearing glasses for so long…

It’s hard to see myself without them

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

There is a sign at the bar that says no glasses in the bathroom

That's really going to mess up my aim...

I have to have glasses just to see my family.

Specifically 2 glasses… of Scotch.

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

Oh hey girl, what's the difference between you and a pair of glasses?

Glasses seem to fit a bit higher on my face

Did you know that putting ketchup on your glasses makes you see better

It's because Heinz-sight is 20 20

Why don’t football players wear glasses?

It’s a contact sport.

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A king has two full glasses of water and one empty glass. What is his name?

King Phillip the Third.

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

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I prefer to clean my glasses with toilet paper...

I get more shit off them that way.


I’ll see myself out.

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman sa...

Girl: What are your plans today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

If Covid 19 has forced you or a loved one to wear a mask with your glasses,

You may be entitled to condensation.

What do you call a dinosaur that needs glasses?

A Douthinkhesaurus

Drink jet fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can...

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

A man stumbles across a magic lamp while walking in a forest

Upon rubbing it a genie appears and says that for freeing him he will grant him one wish.

The man thinks for a while and finally says :
" I wish that I peed out don perignon champagne"

The genie albeit confused grants the wish.

The man quickly hurries home and tells it all h...

Glasses just for looks

I wear my glasses just for looks. I can't look at anything without them.

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

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Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass..

Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

A- What are you doing tomorrow?

B- I'm getting new glasses because mine broke
A- And after?
B- I will see

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

I got some new glasses and I had someone say I am looking good!

Not sure how they know how well I can see out of my glasses but I appreciated the attention!

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Lets raise our glasses!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, d...

An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!


"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

I think I need glasses now.

I can't see 2020 anymore.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

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