A duck walks into an optician's shop

He says, "I'd like those sunglasses please". The clerk asks, "How would you like to pay for them?" The duck replies,

"Just put them on my bill."

Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinder?

Yeah, he made a spectacle of himself.

Apple is hiring a bunch of opticians

They heard they are the best in the business for iTesting

The optician said I may go blind

I can't see it happening

I received a letter from my opticians, but Iโ€™m concerned about their printer....

Either itโ€™s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician

But they'll see, they'll all see.

What did the man say to the police when his optician took his wallet?

"He robbed me blind!"

I went to the opticians the other day, you would not guess who I bumped into!

Everyone

My optician told me I'm colorblind today.

That came right out of the purple.

A lot of opticians will be going out of business next year

Everyone is going to have 2020 vision

How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

Never do cocaine with an optician...

The first line is quite big, but then the lines get smaller and smaller and smaller...

A guy sitting next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"

Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

I bumped into an old school friend today



I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is sh...

A polish man goes to the optician...

Optician: "could you tell me what it says on this chart?"

Polish man: "tell you!? I went to school with him!"

My optician makes jokes each time I go

They get cornea each time.

An Opthalmologist, an Optometrist, and an Optician walk into a bar...

nobody on reddit could see the difference

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A girl I dated from my local opticians text me saying I've got a split personality.

Wait, no. It says "shit".

I told my Mom that when I grow up I want to become an Optician.

She told me I could never do that so I responded "you'll see".

There's a name for people who judge others solely on how they look

Opticians!

An optician decides to retire from his profession and become a priest. He's taking his first wedding, and says 'Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband for better or for worse?'

'Better, or worse? Better, or worse?'

I walked into the wrong opticians to collect my new glasses.

Should've gone to SpecSavers.

A Chinese man goes to the optician

A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract.

That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

Why did the PHP programmer go to the optician?

because he didn't C#

A blind man goes to optician

for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

A 50 year old business man is sitting with a young man

The business man takes out a photo of his wife and says to the young man beside him

"She's a real beauty isn't she."

The young man abruptly then replies

" Oh yeah if she's a real beauty you haven't seen my girlfriend."

The business man taken by surprise says

"Wh...

I ran into an old acquaintance from school the other day.

He always liked to brag and the years didn't change that as he stood there telling me about how great his life is. He told me about how he landed this miracle job, he showed me pictures of his flashy Mercedes, his house in the countryside then showed more pictures telling me to "take a look at my go...

A Czech man walks into his eye checkup.

Optician: "Please sit down, try to read the letters on the screen."

which were ' G S I R O N V C H Z I T'

Patient: "Uh doc..."

"Why is my name on the panel?"

Eyesight

My new optician is a legend. This new set of glasses he gave me allows me to see a few years into the future.

Finally, I have 2020 vision.

YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE!

An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.

Which profession has the worst sense of humour?

Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes.
But opticians like them *cornea*.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

A Czech goes for an eye check up

The optician shows the letters on the board:


CZWXNQSTAZKY


Doctor: Can you read this?

Czech: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

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