UPJOKE
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I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

They charged me a fortune at the local opticians.

I'll tell you what, they saw me coming

How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Is it 1 or 2 ? 1 or 2 ? 1 or 2 ?

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I was at the opticians the other day.....

“I got cum in one of my pupils recently, should I be worried?” I asked.
“I think you’ll be fine.” He replied.

“That’s a relief. Her parents were banging on about telling the Headmaster and the Police.”

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

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Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

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Why did Hitler go to the optician?

He could Nazi!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife on his phone, and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

You know who I saw when I was going to the optician?

Neither do I.

A man goes to the opticians

Says: “Doctor, I’m seeing double”

Doc looks up and asks: All three of you ?

Went to the opticians.

She told me that I was color blind.


Well I must say, that came right out of the purple.

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician.

But they'll see, they'll all see!

So I went to my optician because I noticed things were looking strange...

I told them I've been seeing lots of empty shelves and empty stadiums.

They said don't worry, you just have 2020 vision.

A Polish man walks into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician sits him in the chair, and wants to know how good his eyes are, so he asks the man whether he can read the the letters on the 6th line, which are quite small.

The man replies "Of course I can! You think I can't spell my own brothers name?"

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

A duck walks into an optician's shop

He says, "I'd like those sunglasses please". The clerk asks, "How would you like to pay for them?" The duck replies,

"Just put them on my bill."

Never do cocaine with an optician...

The first line is quite big, but then the lines get smaller and smaller and smaller...

A Polish guy went to the opticians...

... the doctor asked him:
“Could you cover your left eye and read the second row from the bottom please.”
“Sure” he replied and started reading...
“K R Z Y K A C Z”
And the he stops and says:
“ Can I read it? I know the guy!”

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

My optician makes jokes each time I go

They get cornea each time.

I went to the optician

I said "you've got to help me. Everything looks absolutely awful". Optician replied " don't worry sir, you've got 2020 vision".

My wife just got back from the opticians with her new glasses. "How do I look?" she asked

"Through the glass bits!!!" I said.

I was on my way to the opticians today and guess who I bumped into.....

Everybody.

I went to the opticians the other day, you would not guess who I bumped into!

Everyone

Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer....

Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.

I went to the optician today because I keep seeing the world fall apart.

He said I have 2020 vision.

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

What's the difference between an optician and a giraffe?

If you can't tell the difference you only have to visit one!

What did the man say to the police when his optician took his wallet?

"He robbed me blind!"

A lot of opticians will be going out of business next year

Everyone is going to have 2020 vision

An Opthalmologist, an Optometrist, and an Optician walk into a bar...

nobody on reddit could see the difference

Beautiful woman walked up to me the other other day, she said, hello handsome.

Can you show me the way to the opticians.

An optician decides to retire from his profession and become a priest. He's taking his first wedding, and says 'Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband for better or for worse?'

'Better, or worse? Better, or worse?'

A 50 year old business man is sitting with a young man

The business man takes out a photo of his wife and says to the young man beside him

"She's a real beauty isn't she."

The young man abruptly then replies

" Oh yeah if she's a real beauty you haven't seen my girlfriend."

The business man taken by surprise says

"Wh...

A Chinese man goes to the optician

A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract.

That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

Why did the PHP programmer go to the optician?

because he didn't C#

I went to the opticians today and got a pair of new glasses,

my observational comedy has got a lot better.

A blind man goes to optician

for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'

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A girl I dated from my local opticians text me saying I've got a split personality.

Wait, no. It says "shit".

I walked into the wrong opticians to collect my new glasses.

Should've gone to SpecSavers.

Glasses

A man walks into the opticians and asks if they can make him a new pair of glasses. the optician looks up the man's records and says, "We only made your glasses two months ago, how did they break.?" the man said, "They broke while I was kissing my girlfriend," The optician said, "How can you break y...

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I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.

I kissed her.




And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.

There's a name for people who judge others solely on how they look

Opticians!

I ran into an old acquaintance from school the other day.

He always liked to brag and the years didn't change that as he stood there telling me about how great his life is. He told me about how he landed this miracle job, he showed me pictures of his flashy Mercedes, his house in the countryside then showed more pictures telling me to "take a look at my go...

YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE!

An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.

Eyesight

My new optician is a legend. This new set of glasses he gave me allows me to see a few years into the future.

Finally, I have 2020 vision.

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

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Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

A Czech man walks into his eye checkup.

Optician: "Please sit down, try to read the letters on the screen."

which were ' G S I R O N V C H Z I T'

Patient: "Uh doc..."

"Why is my name on the panel?"

Which profession has the worst sense of humour?

Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes.
But opticians like them *cornea*.

A Czech goes for an eye check up

The optician shows the letters on the board:


CZWXNQSTAZKY


Doctor: Can you read this?

Czech: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

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