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Optician Jokes

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optician?

*Everyone!*

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"

"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician

But they'll see, they'll all see.

A duck walks into an optician's shop

He says, "I'd like those sunglasses please". The clerk asks, "How would you like to pay for them?" The duck replies,

"Just put them on my bill."

A guy walks into an optician

A guy walks into an optician and says: I think I need a new pair of glasses.

“I think so too sir. You’re in a bakery.”

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

They charged me a fortune at the local opticians.

I'll tell you what, they saw me coming

You know who I saw when I was going to the optician?

Neither do I.

Never do cocaine with an optician...

The first line is quite big, but then the lines get smaller and smaller and smaller...

What did the Australian optician say to his patient with 20/20 vision?

Good eye, mate.

How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Is it 1 or 2 ? 1 or 2 ? 1 or 2 ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the opticians the other day.....

“I got cum in one of my pupils recently, should I be worried?” I asked.
“I think you’ll be fine.” He replied.

“That’s a relief. Her parents were banging on about telling the Headmaster and the Police.”

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

Optician.

A man goes to the opticians to get a new pair of glasses, the optician checks his records and finds that the man only had new glasses less than six months before. so he says to the man, "How did you break them, if it was in an accident, we might be able to replace them free."

the man says, "I...

A man goes to the opticians

Says: “Doctor, I’m seeing double”

Doc looks up and asks: All three of you ?

I went to the optician

I said "you've got to help me. Everything looks absolutely awful". Optician replied " don't worry sir, you've got 2020 vision".

Went to the opticians.

She told me that I was color blind.


Well I must say, that came right out of the purple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

My optician makes jokes each time I go

They get cornea each time.

The optician said I may go blind

I can't see it happening

A Polish guy went to the opticians...

... the doctor asked him:
“Could you cover your left eye and read the second row from the bottom please.”
“Sure” he replied and started reading...
“K R Z Y K A C Z”
And the he stops and says:
“ Can I read it? I know the guy!”

A Polish man walks into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician sits him in the chair, and wants to know how good his eyes are, so he asks the man whether he can read the the letters on the 6th line, which are quite small.

The man replies "Of course I can! You think I can't spell my own brothers name?"

So I went to my optician because I noticed things were looking strange...

I told them I've been seeing lots of empty shelves and empty stadiums.

They said don't worry, you just have 2020 vision.

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

A polish man goes to the optician...

Optician: "could you tell me what it says on this chart?"

Polish man: "tell you!? I went to school with him!"

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

An Opthalmologist, an Optometrist, and an Optician walk into a bar...

nobody on reddit could see the difference

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

A blind man goes to optician

for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'

I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer....

Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.

A 50 year old business man is sitting with a young man

The business man takes out a photo of his wife and says to the young man beside him

"She's a real beauty isn't she."

The young man abruptly then replies

" Oh yeah if she's a real beauty you haven't seen my girlfriend."

The business man taken by surprise says

"Wh...

What's the difference between an optician and a giraffe?

If you can't tell the difference you only have to visit one!

A Chinese man goes to the optician

A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract.

That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

old but gold

Just sat next to a bloke in the pub, he takes his wallet out and pulls a photo of his wife from it. He showed it to me and said, Isn't she stunning?

I replied, if you think she is stunning you should see my wife.

Why? Is she a model?

No, I replied, she's an optician.

My wife just got back from the opticians with her new glasses. "How do I look?" she asked

"Through the glass bits!!!" I said.

A lot of opticians will be going out of business next year

Everyone is going to have 2020 vision

Why did the PHP programmer go to the optician?

because he didn't C#

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl I dated from my local opticians text me saying I've got a split personality.

Wait, no. It says "shit".

I walked into the wrong opticians to collect my new glasses.

Should've gone to SpecSavers.

YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE!

An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.

10 years ago I went to the opticians for an eye test. He asked to look into this big machine & tell him what I could see. I said I can see a fella eating a bat, closed pubs & everyone seems to be wearing face masks!

The optician said I don't need glasses as I have 2020 vision!

Eyesight

My new optician is a legend. This new set of glasses he gave me allows me to see a few years into the future.

Finally, I have 2020 vision.

There's a name for people who judge others solely on how they look

Opticians!

I ran into an old acquaintance from school the other day.

He always liked to brag and the years didn't change that as he stood there telling me about how great his life is. He told me about how he landed this miracle job, he showed me pictures of his flashy Mercedes, his house in the countryside then showed more pictures telling me to "take a look at my go...

A Czech man walks into his eye checkup.

Optician: "Please sit down, try to read the letters on the screen."

which were ' G S I R O N V C H Z I T'

Patient: "Uh doc..."

"Why is my name on the panel?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

A Czech goes for an eye check up

The optician shows the letters on the board:


CZWXNQSTAZKY


Doctor: Can you read this?

Czech: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Which profession has the worst sense of humour?

Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes.
But opticians like them *cornea*.

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