What do you get when you drop a nuclear bomb over Paris?

French fries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

A nuclear bomb was dropped on Alabama

One family was killed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.

This shows how toxic the media is.

Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

"Oops!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

What do koalas eat after a nuclear winter?

Apocalyptus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Since Russia took away Ukraine's Nuclear Bombs, what do they have now

Depleted Ukranium

What's the best state to be in during a nuclear apocalypse?

Vegetative

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

What does South Korea look like after a nuclear war with North Korea?

Not a Seoul there.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

What is a nuclear physicists favorite food?

FissionChips

If you don't know the price of nuclear power

wait until you see the Cherno bill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny discussing nuclear powerr

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowl...

What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it?

To put all its nuclear fission.

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

"I threw my neighbor into a nuclear reactor and now he's dead. What should I do?!"

"Barium"

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

I was raised in a nuclear powered family.

My parents were so obsessed with appearances that external pressure overcame their repulsion for me.

Why should you never wear nuclear underwear?

Chernobyl fall out

What do British nuclear engineers eat?

Fission chips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a nuclear button and a hospital call button?

Kim Jong Un won’t ever use the nuclear button again

What's the difference between solar energy and nuclear energy?

What's the difference between solar energy and nuclear energy?

The distance

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped

It seems like there will never be a half life 3

A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

A man named Michael Foot was put in charge of a committee on the disposal of nuclear weapons

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

A pair of Nuclear Missle operators, one American, one Russian, had a one-night stand.

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

What do you call the concentric clouds around a nuclear explosion?

Freedom rings.

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

What did the boron control rod say to the nuclear core before prematurely exploding ?

Just the tip.

President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

Why did the two nuclear physcisists die?

They had an odd number of uranium atoms and decided to split it even.

Whats the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong?

The amount Xi has been drinking.

Trump: "I'm not a fan of a global nuclear war."

"It's the last thing that I would do."

Do you know they named the first nuclear cannon, Atomic Annie, after a woman instead of a man?

Because Atomic Adam sounded too Eve'il.

P.S. This is OC, so I really hope it _blows up._

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day.

He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.

Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news

The struggle Israel

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

My friend keeps telling jokes about nuclear war

It’s making me go MAD

If you are a man, don't visit nuclear disaster zones.

Because chernobyl fallout.

I don't know why North Korea needs a nuclear bomb...

...their weather machine seems to be working just fine

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

What did Kim Jong Un say after a nuclear war with China?

"when I said nuke the Chinese, I was talking about the left overs!"

A nuclear worker wanted to start a family..

So when he got home he said to his wife, “Honey let’s make some little nuclear workers!” His wife responds, “Sorry honey we can’t. I’m on my period.” Frustrated the husband replies back, “Well turn over, we’ll start with the supervisors!”

Did you hear there was a nuclear explosion in space this morning?!

Most people call it the sun.




Note: My dad pulled this on me this morning. My friend hit me when I told them.

Why did the nuclear physicist miss the laboratory meeting?

Because he was gone fission.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

What do you call hunting for fish in Chernobyl?

Nuclear fishin'.

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

Some people think nuclear physics is interesting

Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

what do you call a fencing tournament held on a nuclear submersible?

A sub full of ripostes

Nuclear Physicist Bartender

How did Nuclear Physicist mix drinks at his party?

With a Piña Collider.

They should hide the nuclear codes from Trump by putting it somewhere he would never look

In a book for example.

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

What do you get when you combine an overpass and a nuclear reactor?

An overreaction.
.
.
.
.
**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHMANHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOOOOOOBOYHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

What does the note on a vacationing nuclear physicist's office door say?

Gone fission.

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

How big is a nuclear blast?

*YUGE*

A nuclear scientist sent me a dodgy email

I've heard about this fission scam

What's the difference between Syria and a nuclear weapons test site?

A test site will be evacuated.

What did President Trump say to the nuclear weapon?

You're fired!!

What do nuclear physicists do when they have time off?

They go fission.

"Galactic Central, this is Captain Zod reporting in"

"*Captain Zod, this is Galactic Central. Please make your report.*"

"Galactic Central, we successfully reached Planet Earth and have completed our survey."

"*Captain Zod, understood. What did you find*?"

"Galactic Central, we found a large number of orbital nuclear weapons aroun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to nuclear war the main difference is...

Korea have a desk with a button.

America have a desk with a knob.

American nuclear response time is around four minutes.

But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern.

You know why North Korea won't meet for the nuclear summit?

They haven't updated their privacy policy.

Austria declares war on China:

„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks“

China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads“

Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners “

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

North Korea wants nuclear weapons so bad, even their leader is a nuke

Little boy and Fat Man

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's head.
"But I heard that there were no consequences at all; is this true too?"<...

If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

Hey baby, are you the nuclear war between America and Russia?

Because neither of us want to come first, but both want to fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religious people are like tactical nuclear weapons...

It only takes one flying wildly off course, to fuck up alot of innocent people.

And if there happens to be alot of them, we are all fucked.

What do you call a nuclear-powered car?

A mobile-Chernobyl!

Don't reply to nuclear reactors that say they're ugly.

They're just fission for compliments.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.