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Nuclear Jokes

A nuclear bomb was dropped on Alabama

One family was killed

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

"I threw my neighbor into a nuclear reactor and now he's dead. What should I do?!"

"Barium"

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A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly

This shows how toxic the media is

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

Two aliens are flying near earth~ The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Nuclear war is like incest

We can all imagine what it would be like if it happened but none of us want it to actually happen. Also both cause deformities in the long run.

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

A nuclear power plant worker…

A nuclear power plant worker sees his coworker with a fishing rod and line in the reactor.

“How’s the fission, John?”

What's a nuclear engineer's favourite meal?

Fission chips!

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...



A plant based diet.

Why did Saskatchewan get all the nuclear waste and Ontario is full of lawyers?

Saskatchewan got to pick first.

What does the sign say on the office of a nuclear physicist who went on vacation?

Gone fission

What do you call the result of a nuclear joke?

The afterlaugh.

What do you call a nuclear scientist with a bad lisp?

An unclear scientist.

During a nuclear explosion

There is a certain radius where all the frozen pizza's are perfectly cooked.

Also, where the people are perfectly cooked.


Flavour zone!

Did you know nuclear energy is vegan?

100% plant produced.

Did you hear about the nuclear engineer who got promoted?

He was a real afissionado

What do koalas eat after a nuclear winter?

Apocalyptus

Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant?

Because he was glowing.

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

If i had a penny for every time a Ukrainian man saved the world from eventual nuclear fallout

If i had a penny for every time a Ukrainian man saved the world from eventual nuclear fallout due to Russian stupidity, I'd have 2 pennies; it's not a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

What is a nuclear physicists favorite food?

FissionChips

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My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

Why don't influencer work in nuclear plants.

Because they get paid just in exposure.

What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?

It's unclear.

Putin's propagandists on TV said nuclear war is fine because patriotic Russians will go to Heaven.

Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!

The dyslexic general was trying to determine if the reports he read indicated a nuclear threat or not

In the end, he said it was unclear

Why are all the nuclear byproducts such an issue?

They are not. Just barium.

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

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I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

Why should you never wear nuclear underwear?

Chernobyl fall out

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

A russian nuclear rocket

Goes from Russia to America.
Over the Pacific it meets an american nuclear rocket, going from America to Russia.

Russian rocket: "Let's go drink something".
American rocket: "Ok".

The russian rocket drinks wodka and the american rocket drinks whiskey.

The american rocket g...

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

I asked my researcher friend, what would happen if I try to swim in containment pool of a nuclear reactor. He said, "Um, you would die pretty quickly..."

"...from gunshot wounds."

What's the best state to be in during a nuclear apocalypse?

Vegetative

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Little Johnny discussing nuclear powerr

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowl...

There are two type of countries.

Those that use the metric system and those that have been to the moon and have recreated nuclear fusion.

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news

The struggle Israel

Did you hear there was a nuclear explosion in space this morning?!

Most people call it the sun.




Note: My dad pulled this on me this morning. My friend hit me when I told them.

Since Russia took away Ukraine's Nuclear Bombs, what do they have now

Depleted Ukranium

What does South Korea look like after a nuclear war with North Korea?

Not a Seoul there.

President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

What's the difference between solar energy and nuclear energy?

What's the difference between solar energy and nuclear energy?

The distance

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

I met a Nuclear Engineer the other day.

He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

Why did Trump take documents about classified nuclear programs to Mar-a-Lago?

He was just Putin them somewhere safe.

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

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Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

Whats the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong?

The amount Xi has been drinking.

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

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What’s the difference between a nuclear button and a hospital call button?

Kim Jong Un won’t ever use the nuclear button again

What do you call the concentric clouds around a nuclear explosion?

Freedom rings.

Why did the two nuclear physcisists die?

They had an odd number of uranium atoms and decided to split it even.

I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped

It seems like there will never be a half life 3

I was raised in a nuclear powered family.

My parents were so obsessed with appearances that external pressure overcame their repulsion for me.

Do you know they named the first nuclear cannon, Atomic Annie, after a woman instead of a man?

Because Atomic Adam sounded too Eve'il.

P.S. This is OC, so I really hope it _blows up._

A pair of Nuclear Missle operators, one American, one Russian, had a one-night stand.

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

I don't know why North Korea needs a nuclear bomb...

...their weather machine seems to be working just fine

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

My friend keeps telling jokes about nuclear war

It’s making me go MAD

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.

If you are a man, don't visit nuclear disaster zones.

Because chernobyl fallout.

Nuclear Physicist Bartender

How did Nuclear Physicist mix drinks at his party?

With a Piña Collider.

what do you call a fencing tournament held on a nuclear submersible?

A sub full of ripostes

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

What did Kim Jong Un say after a nuclear war with China?

"when I said nuke the Chinese, I was talking about the left overs!"

A nuclear worker wanted to start a family..

So when he got home he said to his wife, “Honey let’s make some little nuclear workers!” His wife responds, “Sorry honey we can’t. I’m on my period.” Frustrated the husband replies back, “Well turn over, we’ll start with the supervisors!”

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

I was pretty good at nuclear physics...

Everytime I yawned in class, I'd set off a chain reaction.

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

Some people think nuclear physics is interesting

Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

How big is a nuclear blast?

*YUGE*

What do you get when you combine an overpass and a nuclear reactor?

An overreaction.
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**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHMANHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOOOOOOBOYHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

A nuclear scientist sent me a dodgy email

I've heard about this fission scam

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"

A Ukranian man is out on a walk with his grandson. The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's head.
"But I heard that there were no consequences at all; is this true too?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

They should hide the nuclear codes from Trump by putting it somewhere he would never look

In a book for example.

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

What do nuclear physicists do when they have time off?

They go fission.

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What did the Palestinian philosopher say after he hit the nuclear button?

"What Israel?"

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

American nuclear response time is around four minutes.

But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to nuclear war the main difference is...

Korea have a desk with a button.

America have a desk with a knob.

If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

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