UPJOKE
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My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

If dentists make all their money from bad teeth...

....why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend.

Chuck Norris's teeth....

clean the toothbrush.

What is a Bear with no teeth called?

A gummy bear...

What has 182 teeth and holds a small worm?

My zipper

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the ...

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A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because they have teeth...

A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because "They have teeth!" One day when he's older he starts seeing a lovely girl who he begins to fall in love with. Things are going great, but she starts to feel frustrated at his lack of sexual progression with her. F...

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How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you bett...

Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32

It's simple meth

What's got no teeth and smells?

The gearbox in the wife's car...

My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He came back immediately.

He forgot his teeth.

People with bad teeth are the real winners

They even have the plaque to prove it

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Toby Keith concert.

I like my men like my teeth,

32 of them, indentured to me, and ready to devour any temptation I have on call.

What do you call a Roman with a hair between his teeth and a smile on his face?

Gladiator

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

[OC] Why do French teeth break more readily than English teeth?

Because they‘re *les dents*

When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.

Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

How many teeth does Dracula have?

I don't know. I didn't get close enough to Count.

What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

Whats do you call soft tissue between a sharks teeth ?

A slow swimmer.

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What has 12 breasts and 24 teeth?

The night shift at Waffle House.

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night!

A Game Dev wakes up, brushes their teeth, gets dressed, grabs their keys and walks out of the door

Map Failed to Load

How do drummers brush their teeth?

With tooth Paiste

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

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An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

what has 98 legs and 6 teeth?

The queue for methadone.

A blonde was flossing her teeth

when her gums started bleeding.


“Thank God, safe for another month!”

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

My friends said if you floss you'll be amazed at how much food is stuck between your teeth.

I don't remember eating this much blood

What do you call a fat kid with 3 teeth and a lazy eye?

Names.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

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A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

I have sensitive teeth.

Even me just saying that offends them.

Did you know that Starbucks can make your teeth whiter?

Enough pumpkin spiced latte will make anything whiter

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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I've got a joke about poo with teeth marks on it.

It's a bit shit.

Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.

What has 100 teeth and keeps Godzilla at bay?

My zipper

What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping?

My zipper.

I've got a lot of puns about people with crooked teeth

You'd better brace yourself

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

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False Teeth

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

'Get your hand out of there!' she shouts. 'Don't you know that women have teeth down ther...

Teeth

What has a bunch of teeth and no cavities?

A comb

Sorry jokes by my 4 year old.

What has 3 teeth and 100 legs

An unemployment line in Tennessee.

What do you call pizza that's good for your teeth?

Stuffed-Crest pizza.

Carpenter's Teeth

A dentist was examining a patient and said, "I've got to be honest, your teeth are very clean but they are the most badly chipped and damaged set I've seen. What on earth are you doing to cause this?"

"Well, I'm a nervous guy and I do a lot carpentry work" said the man sheepishly.

"I d...

Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.

He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

My dentist was cleaning my teeth and told me to open up more.

I told him I hadn’t seen my father in three years.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

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What do you call a large bearded homosexual man with no teeth, who enjoys giving blowjobs?

A gummy bear.

I once knew a guy with teeth so bad

His calculus had advanced to trigonometry.

Yo mama's teeth are so bad

That when she smiled to the cashier at walmart, the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Boy: your teeth are like stars

GIRL: Aww.. thanks are they that much pretty?


Boy: no, far away from each other

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I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)

What has 800 legs and only 16 teeth?

The queue at Primark on Monday.

I was so busy with maths homework that I didn't brush my teeth for a week

The calculus had built up, and it was starting to get quite hard.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son ...

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out

I’m going to fail so many perception checks without them :(

Why do all methheads have bad teeth?

They only brush them before sleeping

Baby teeth

\- Hey neighbour what is going on, why is your husband screaming like that?!!

\- Nothing to worry neighbour, his teeth are coming out!

\- Wait what? Isn't he like 60 years old?!

\- Yeah, that's true but last night, during his sleep, he swallowed his dentures ...

What will the Monster eat after the Dentist pulled out his teeth?

The Dentist

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

Like pulling teeth

I had a wisdom tooth going bad and the dentist told me it wouldn't be worth filling the cavity and she just sent me to an oral surgeon to get the tooth pulled.

So I get there and I'm in the chair and I tell the guy "I've never had a tooth pulled." He was pretty seriously bothered that I used ...

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