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A penis and a rooster both share a common nickname...

Probably because they're both usually up before you are..

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

Why was Steve Trevor from Wonder Woman nicknamed "Dr. Jones?"

Because he was also Indiana

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My girlfriend gave my cock the nickname 'joke'

It flopped. She left.

A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time

One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

My prison nickname was Mitochondria

Because I was the Powerhouse of the cell.

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What did Ray Romano nickname his penis?

Pecorino Romano

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

If Bob’s my nickname..

Then Robert’s my Nicholasname

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

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What nickname did the Olympians give to the newly ascended god of masturbation

Jerkules

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

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We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

There are three girls,

and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decide to give their boyfriends nicknames. They ask the first girl what she calls her boyfriend. She says, “I call my man 7-Up.”
They ask her, “Why do you call your man that?”
And she says, “Becau...

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Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

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There was a man nicknamed Onestone

He was given that name as he only had one testicle. One day he was tired of everyone calling him that and he proclaimed that he would kill anyone who called him that from now on. Years went by, no one dared to call him onestone. However, a woman named Yellowbird forgot and called out to him shouting...

What was the nickname for the man who won a ton of soup?

Wonton

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I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,

And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

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My wife’s nickname is Lil Nas X

I ask her for a little sex all the time and she just says ‘Nahh’

I always liked cute nicknames...

My parents called me "disgrace"

I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley

Because it's always Jammin'

What did Epstein nickname his island?

Kid Rock

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.

His career is in the gutter.

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Is your Nickname cigarette?

Cause i'm trying to get you lit and stick your butt in my mouth

(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...

Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.

I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.

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Daddy's nickname

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but wh...

If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria.

Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell!

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Two scientists naming periplaneta americana

Sc 1 : so what should we nickname it?
Sc 2 : idk um..... penisinsect
Sc 1 : naah
Sc 2 : um so dickbug ?
Sc 1 : nope
Sc 2 : cockroach ?
Sc 1 : HELL YEAH!!!

*happy scientist noises in the background*

Frodo is a great nickname for a friend...

...who disappears after he puts a ring on.

My nickname is Snapchat....

My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

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“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”

“No he smelled like dog piss.”

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

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Me and my girlfriend like to give each other dirty nicknames during sex

I think its really cute how she calls me "wrong hole" all the time.

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Why was the prostitute nicknamed FEMA?

Every time she hooked up with someone, she gave them aids.

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

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Our Boss just banned extremely specific nicknames

and now we are all waiting for Tattletale Dwight the Rat Snitch Good Time Ruiner to come back from Red Knee Nancy the Cocksuck Vending Machine's cubicle.

My nickname is "Gillette" because I'm the best a man can get.

Also, I will cut you.

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

What's the nickname for a particular fast swimming rapper?

The real Swim Shady.

There used to be a girl nicknamed Rudolph at my school, not because she had a red nose...

...but because she used to go down in history.

My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America...

Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer.

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names.

Credit to my dad.

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

What’s a nickname for Turkish police officers?

The Fez

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats?

Because they're both in bread

Nicknames

Three woman who were good friends would meet at the laundromat once a week to talk while washing their clothes. All of the woman were dating men named john, so one week they decided to make up nicknames to call their men so that they could tell them apart.

One of the women says, "let's name o...

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'NSFW' I nicknamed my dick 'U.S. Military Presence'

Because it never pulls out.

Edgar (His nickname is, 'E') was a good man.

One day he gave me 20 bucks. I said, "Aye, E. I owe you."

Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

Don't you hate it when people refers to themselves in 3rd person? Or when people give themselves nicknames?

Well, sorry but.. Daddy does both.

I was talking to my friend about nicknames...

Like how “Maddie” is short for “Madeline” or “Alex” for “Alexander”

-“But wait, how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’”

You ask nicely

My nickname at school was glue

I don't know why, it just seemed to stick

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A long time ago in China, man decided to marry a concubine.

But he insisted the new woman be a virgin. Someone suggested that after he found a suitable woman, on their wedding night he should show her his penis. If she didn't know what it was, that would mean she was truly virginal.

So on the wedding night his pulled out his penis and showed it to t...

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

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Penis nicknames

My ex-girlfriend nicknamed my penis after her favorite rapper, Biggie. So I nicknamed her boobs after my favourite country band, Rascal Flatts.

What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

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I’ve got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'.

You might think that’s pretty cool.
She doesn’t like it.

Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny..

because they didn't make a lot of sense?

Serena Williams' nickname should be...

Tennessee Williams

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany...

but they still called him Herr Jordan.

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot ...

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