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Nickname Jokes

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Daddy's nickname

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but wh...

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

[OC] My nickname is Subway.

I advertise 6 inches but you get a bit less.

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Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...

Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.

I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.

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A penis and a rooster both share a common nickname...

Probably because they're both usually up before you are..

I've decided to have my girlfriend nickname me Apple

Cos I'll just be all up in cider

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I'm married, but I have a mistress named Ophelia who I've nicknamed "Off".

So when the wife and I have an argument and she tells me to go Fuck Off, I have a clear conscience

Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats?

Because they're both in bread

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There was a man nicknamed Onestone

He was given that name as he only had one testicle. One day he was tired of everyone calling him that and he proclaimed that he would kill anyone who called him that from now on. Years went by, no one dared to call him onestone. However, a woman named Yellowbird forgot and called out to him shouting...

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

My nickname is Snapchat....

My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

Why did Post Malone's promiscuous behavior get him the nickname 'Kevin McAllister?'

Because he was Ho Malone.

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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

My prison nickname was Mitochondria

Because I was the Powerhouse of the cell.

Is your nickname suicide?

Because I can't stop thinking about you.

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My Dad's nickname is Boner

Because when he beats me, it's always hard.

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My nickname in highscool was Horsecock!

You just touch one horse's cock and it's like you get that nickname for life!

What chemical got it's nickname from starting fires?

Arson Nick

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

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My girlfriend gave my cock the nickname 'joke'

It flopped. She left.

Why did Saint Nicholas adopt the nickname of St. Nick?

No L

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What did Ray Romano nickname his penis?

Pecorino Romano

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

3 men are talking about the nicknames they give their wives.

The first guy says: "I call my wife sugar because she's so sweet"

The second guy says: "I call my wife flower because she's so pretty"

The third guy says: "I call my wife boomerang because no matter what i do she always comes back"

What did Epstein nickname his island?

Kid Rock

I always liked cute nicknames...

My parents called me "disgrace"

If Bob’s my nickname..

Then Robert’s my Nicholasname

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names.

Credit to my dad.

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I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,

And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

Nicknames

Three woman who were good friends would meet at the laundromat once a week to talk while washing their clothes. All of the woman were dating men named john, so one week they decided to make up nicknames to call their men so that they could tell them apart.

One of the women says, "let's name o...

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

Frodo is a great nickname for a friend...

...who disappears after he puts a ring on.

I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley

Because it's always Jammin'

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

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Is your Nickname cigarette?

Cause i'm trying to get you lit and stick your butt in my mouth

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

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My wife’s nickname is Lil Nas X

I ask her for a little sex all the time and she just says ‘Nahh’

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

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“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”

“No he smelled like dog piss.”

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

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My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

Do you know why Joe Biden's nickname in college was Mr. Deadline?

Cause he always submitted his assignments Biden.

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

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Penis nicknames

My ex-girlfriend nicknamed my penis after her favorite rapper, Biggie. So I nicknamed her boobs after my favourite country band, Rascal Flatts.

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

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What nickname did the Olympians give to the newly ascended god of masturbation

Jerkules

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

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Why was the prostitute nicknamed FEMA?

Every time she hooked up with someone, she gave them aids.

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time

One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'

My nickname at school was glue

I don't know why, it just seemed to stick

What’s a nickname for Turkish police officers?

The Fez

If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria.

Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell!

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was called today to the HR officer over an anonymous complaint that I've been giving explicit nicknames to some of my female colleagues..

I'm not sure who made that complaint but I feel it might be 'Bitchface Bigtits'

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

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We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

What's another nickname for Donald Trump?

##The Annoying Orange.

Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny..

because they didn't make a lot of sense?

What's the nickname for a particular fast swimming rapper?

The real Swim Shady.

My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.

His career is in the gutter.

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

Edgar (His nickname is, 'E') was a good man.

One day he gave me 20 bucks. I said, "Aye, E. I owe you."

I love it when girls give me cute nicknames...

Like "help" or "get off me"

My nickname is "Gillette" because I'm the best a man can get.

Also, I will cut you.

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I’ve got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'.

You might think that’s pretty cool.
She doesn’t like it.

I was talking to my friend about nicknames...

Like how “Maddie” is short for “Madeline” or “Alex” for “Alexander”

-“But wait, how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’”

You ask nicely

Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany...

but they still called him Herr Jordan.

I've just bought a house with period features.

The girlfriend hates that nickname..

what was adam's nickname for eve?

prime rib

Our baby's new nickname is Assad...

..because he keeps assaulting us with gas that is definitely in violation of the Chemical Weapons Convention.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

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'NSFW' I nicknamed my dick 'U.S. Military Presence'

Because it never pulls out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

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quick story.. of a joke

I (Richard)was out visiting a friend from the Military, we had been very close and out for a long time, but still very close friends. While I was at his house with him and his wife, she said the following. " Some people and I were talking about nicknames and that some of them don't really make sens...

My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America...

Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer.

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