UPJOKE
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My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

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A penis and a rooster both share a common nickname...

Probably because they're both usually up before you are..

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

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I'm married, but I have a mistress named Ophelia who I've nicknamed "Off".

So when the wife and I have an argument and she tells me to go Fuck Off, I have a clear conscience

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.

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My Dad's nickname is Boner

Because when he beats me, it's always hard.

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So I was called today to the HR officer over an anonymous complaint that I've been giving explicit nicknames to some of my female colleagues..

I'm not sure who made that complaint but I feel it might be 'Bitchface Bigtits'

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

3 men are talking about the nicknames they give their wives.

The first guy says: "I call my wife sugar because she's so sweet"

The second guy says: "I call my wife flower because she's so pretty"

The third guy says: "I call my wife boomerang because no matter what i do she always comes back"

Why did Saint Nicholas adopt the nickname of St. Nick?

No L

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My girlfriend gave my cock the nickname 'joke'

It flopped. She left.

My prison nickname was Mitochondria

Because I was the Powerhouse of the cell.

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

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My nickname in highscool was Horsecock!

You just touch one horse's cock and it's like you get that nickname for life!

What chemical got it's nickname from starting fires?

Arson Nick

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

PSA for expecting parents

The name you give your child will follow them throughout their entire life, so choose carefully. Think of how it will be made into nicknames and how other people will say it.

Oh, and don't forget about the initials.

Sincerely,

Anna Nichole Amber Lewis and Clive Ulysses Mansfiel...

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy,

And he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed ...

Why was Steve Trevor from Wonder Woman nicknamed "Dr. Jones?"

Because he was also Indiana

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Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

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Three boys

There were three boys who went to school. Ziphanous, Richard and Phenoys. Ziphanous is not an easy name to say so he was nicknamed Zip, Phenoys, was equally as confusing so was known as simply P. Richard didn’t like his name and was called the usual nickname for Richard, Dick.

The boys had a ...

(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...

Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.

I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.

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We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

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A married couple invites some friends over for dinner...

...while the wife is preparing food and talking with the other women the husband chats with the male guests. During conversation, the husband asks his wife: "Honey, do you remember the name of that place we went last summer?" The wife promptly answers. Few minutes later' the husband calls his wife a...

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...

The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.

The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickna...

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

After completing my first three months doing MMA I asked my coach for a nickname that reflected my skills and badassery...

Now everybody calls me John Weak.

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

If Bob’s my nickname..

Then Robert’s my Nicholasname

A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time

One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

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There was a man nicknamed Onestone

He was given that name as he only had one testicle. One day he was tired of everyone calling him that and he proclaimed that he would kill anyone who called him that from now on. Years went by, no one dared to call him onestone. However, a woman named Yellowbird forgot and called out to him shouting...

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

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Daddy's nickname

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but wh...

Frodo is a great nickname for a friend...

...who disappears after he puts a ring on.

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My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

Do you know why Joe Biden's nickname in college was Mr. Deadline?

Cause he always submitted his assignments Biden.

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

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What nickname did the Olympians give to the newly ascended god of masturbation

Jerkules

If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria.

Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell!

So my new nickname on school is "Watch out kid"

I don't know why but they only call me that when I'm near a wet floor sign.

What was the nickname for the man who won a ton of soup?

Wonton

I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley

Because it's always Jammin'

What did Epstein nickname his island?

Kid Rock

My nickname is Snapchat....

My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.

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Is your Nickname cigarette?

Cause i'm trying to get you lit and stick your butt in my mouth

What is Muhammad Ali's nickname after he eats beans?

Gassius Clay

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

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My wife’s nickname is Lil Nas X

I ask her for a little sex all the time and she just says ‘Nahh’

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I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,

And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”

“No he smelled like dog piss.”

I always liked cute nicknames...

My parents called me "disgrace"

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names.

Credit to my dad.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats?

Because they're both in bread

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

I wish I was still with my girlfriend I loved the nicknames she would call me

Baby,
Get out of my house,
Who are you,
Stop,

I still miss her

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.

His career is in the gutter.

My nickname is "Gillette" because I'm the best a man can get.

Also, I will cut you.

What's the nickname for a particular fast swimming rapper?

The real Swim Shady.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

There is an app called Monstr for finding the supernatural date of your dreams

Apparently it came out after the release of the Twilight franchise caused a spike in the popularity of mythical beings as romantic partners.

A friend of mine, I'll call her Bella for privacy, was on the app for a bit and her first match was a Lycanthrope. They went for a long walk and afterw...

I love it when girls give me cute nicknames...

Like "help" or "get off me"

What’s a nickname for Turkish police officers?

The Fez

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

Edgar (His nickname is, 'E') was a good man.

One day he gave me 20 bucks. I said, "Aye, E. I owe you."

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Why was the prostitute nicknamed FEMA?

Every time she hooked up with someone, she gave them aids.

Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

My Mexican employee who works on my farm doesn’t like the nickname I’ve given him...

He’s my International Harvester.

My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America...

Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer.

There used to be a girl nicknamed Rudolph at my school, not because she had a red nose...

...but because she used to go down in history.

If the shortened nickname for the Buccaneers is the Bucs, the Jaguars are the Jags, and the Patriots are the Pats...

Then what do we call the Titans?

What was Iron Man's High School nickname?

Ferrous Bueller.

Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany...

but they still called him Herr Jordan.

Nicknames

Three woman who were good friends would meet at the laundromat once a week to talk while washing their clothes. All of the woman were dating men named john, so one week they decided to make up nicknames to call their men so that they could tell them apart.

One of the women says, "let's name o...

Serena Williams' nickname should be...

Tennessee Williams

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

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'NSFW' I nicknamed my dick 'U.S. Military Presence'

Because it never pulls out.

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

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I’ve got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'.

You might think that’s pretty cool.
She doesn’t like it.

Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny..

because they didn't make a lot of sense?

I was talking to my friend about nicknames...

Like how “Maddie” is short for “Madeline” or “Alex” for “Alexander”

-“But wait, how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’”

You ask nicely

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