UPJOKE
namemonikerpseudonymappellationstage namedubsurnameepithetdenominationcallaliasmentioneponymphrasecatchphrase

My nickname at work is “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

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A penis and a rooster both share a common nickname...

Probably because they're both usually up before you are..

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My Dad's nickname is Boner

Because when he beats me, it's always hard.

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

Is your nickname suicide?

Because I can't stop thinking about you.

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My nickname in highscool was Horsecock!

You just touch one horse's cock and it's like you get that nickname for life!

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

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My girlfriend gave my cock the nickname 'joke'

It flopped. She left.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

What chemical got it's nickname from starting fires?

Arson Nick

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So I was called today to the HR officer over an anonymous complaint that I've been giving explicit nicknames to some of my female colleagues..

I'm not sure who made that complaint but I feel it might be 'Bitchface Bigtits'

Why did Saint Nicholas adopt the nickname of St. Nick?

No L

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

My prison nickname was Mitochondria

Because I was the Powerhouse of the cell.

Why was Steve Trevor from Wonder Woman nicknamed "Dr. Jones?"

Because he was also Indiana

There is an app called Monstr for finding the supernatural date of your dreams

Apparently it came out after the release of the Twilight franchise caused a spike in the popularity of mythical beings as romantic partners.

A friend of mine, I'll call her Bella for privacy, was on the app for a bit and her first match was a Lycanthrope. They went for a long walk and afterw...

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

3 men are talking about the nicknames they give their wives.

The first guy says: "I call my wife sugar because she's so sweet"

The second guy says: "I call my wife flower because she's so pretty"

The third guy says: "I call my wife boomerang because no matter what i do she always comes back"

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time

One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

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Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

If Bob’s my nickname..

Then Robert’s my Nicholasname

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

After completing my first three months doing MMA I asked my coach for a nickname that reflected my skills and badassery...

Now everybody calls me John Weak.

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What nickname did the Olympians give to the newly ascended god of masturbation

Jerkules

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...

Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.

I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.

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Daddy's nickname

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but wh...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

Do you know why Joe Biden's nickname in college was Mr. Deadline?

Cause he always submitted his assignments Biden.

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

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There was a man nicknamed Onestone

He was given that name as he only had one testicle. One day he was tired of everyone calling him that and he proclaimed that he would kill anyone who called him that from now on. Years went by, no one dared to call him onestone. However, a woman named Yellowbird forgot and called out to him shouting...

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

If Michael Jackson was a painter what would his nickname be?

Shamone-Alisa

A Trucker was looking to get a little action one night

So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some "company". Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.

The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walk...

What was the nickname for the man who won a ton of soup?

Wonton

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My wife’s nickname is Lil Nas X

I ask her for a little sex all the time and she just says ‘Nahh’

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I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,

And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley

Because it's always Jammin'

What did Epstein nickname his island?

Kid Rock

My nickname is Snapchat....

My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.

If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria.

Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell!

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Is your Nickname cigarette?

Cause i'm trying to get you lit and stick your butt in my mouth

Frodo is a great nickname for a friend...

...who disappears after he puts a ring on.

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.

His career is in the gutter.

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

I wish I was still with my girlfriend I loved the nicknames she would call me

Baby,
Get out of my house,
Who are you,
Stop,

I still miss her

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names.

Credit to my dad.

I always liked cute nicknames...

My parents called me "disgrace"

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“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”

“No he smelled like dog piss.”

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

My nickname is "Gillette" because I'm the best a man can get.

Also, I will cut you.

When John Lennon was a boy,

his best friend was a chubby lad named Winston - but because of Winston’s penchant for stuffing his face with Stilton, Red Leicester, Cheddar or Brie, naturally he was nicknamed “Cheese”.
One hot summer day, a gang of friends decided to head off to the local quarry to cool off in the water. The...

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

What's the nickname for a particular fast swimming rapper?

The real Swim Shady.

Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats?

Because they're both in bread

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Why was the prostitute nicknamed FEMA?

Every time she hooked up with someone, she gave them aids.

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

Edgar (His nickname is, 'E') was a good man.

One day he gave me 20 bucks. I said, "Aye, E. I owe you."

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

What’s a nickname for Turkish police officers?

The Fez

Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

My Mexican employee who works on my farm doesn’t like the nickname I’ve given him...

He’s my International Harvester.

I love it when girls give me cute nicknames...

Like "help" or "get off me"

My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America...

Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer.

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'NSFW' I nicknamed my dick 'U.S. Military Presence'

Because it never pulls out.

My drug dealer's so quick I nicknamed him...

Instagram

What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

There used to be a girl nicknamed Rudolph at my school, not because she had a red nose...

...but because she used to go down in history.

My nickname at school was glue

I don't know why, it just seemed to stick

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

Nicknames

Three woman who were good friends would meet at the laundromat once a week to talk while washing their clothes. All of the woman were dating men named john, so one week they decided to make up nicknames to call their men so that they could tell them apart.

One of the women says, "let's name o...

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I’ve got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'.

You might think that’s pretty cool.
She doesn’t like it.

If the shortened nickname for the Buccaneers is the Bucs, the Jaguars are the Jags, and the Patriots are the Pats...

Then what do we call the Titans?

Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany...

but they still called him Herr Jordan.

Serena Williams' nickname should be...

Tennessee Williams

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

I was talking to my friend about nicknames...

Like how “Maddie” is short for “Madeline” or “Alex” for “Alexander”

-“But wait, how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’”

You ask nicely

Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny..

because they didn't make a lot of sense?

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Penis nicknames

My ex-girlfriend nicknamed my penis after her favorite rapper, Biggie. So I nicknamed her boobs after my favourite country band, Rascal Flatts.

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

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