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A penis and a rooster both share a common nickname...

Probably because they're both usually up before you are..

If Bob’s my nickname..

Then Robert’s my Nicholasname

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Whoever wins the election can be nicknamed “the tampon”...

... because they’ll be in the best possible place at the worst possible time.

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

My wife was really disappointed when she found out why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine”.

It was because I was terrible at tennis.

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

After completing my first three months doing MMA I asked my coach for a nickname that reflected my skills and badassery...

Now everybody calls me John Weak.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

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My girlfriend just left me because I always give weird nicknames to my penis...

I guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands now...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

The best prison nickname would be mitochondria...

That way everyone would know you're the powerhouse of the cell.

At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.

His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to...

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

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What nickname did the Olympians give to the newly ascended god of masturbation

Jerkules

My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.

His career is in the gutter.

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

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We’ve never really given an actual nickname to the people out there who pay prostitutes for sex.

I think we should start calling them buysexuals.

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

What do you call an online Soviet nickname

a USSRname

My Girlfriend couldn’t remember the name of a certain 90s sitcom.

I told her, Blossom (that’a my nickname for her), let’s take this Step by Step. We are far from Perfect Strangers, so I will Coach you through this. As Time Goes By you will see that I’m a Smart Guy, but If I can’t help you, we will start calling our Friends for help. Except for your brother Frasier...

Tia

Tia had a boyfriend, nicknamed Squirrel, who was slightly jealous type, and he would always worry about all the attractive and succesful men in her workplace seducing her. Once he decided to make sure nothing was going on there, so he dressed as a pizza boy and put a fake mustache on so nobody there...

Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self e...

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

I always liked cute nicknames...

My parents called me "disgrace"

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Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

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My wife’s nickname is Lil Nas X

I ask her for a little sex all the time and she just says ‘Nahh’

What did Epstein nickname his island?

Kid Rock

I was just remembering all the cute nicknames my girlfriend gives me.

"Intruder!" "I'll call the police!" "Who are you??"
"Where are you taking me?"

Yeah... I love her.

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

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There was a man nicknamed Onestone

He was given that name as he only had one testicle. One day he was tired of everyone calling him that and he proclaimed that he would kill anyone who called him that from now on. Years went by, no one dared to call him onestone. However, a woman named Yellowbird forgot and called out to him shouting...

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I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,

And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

they call me JOHNNY TWO GUNS

a nickname I invented as a clever ploy

>!to hide my THIRD GUN!<

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Is your Nickname cigarette?

Cause i'm trying to get you lit and stick your butt in my mouth

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot ...

I have a printer nicknamed Bob Marley

Because it's always Jammin'

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

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Why was the prostitute nicknamed FEMA?

Every time she hooked up with someone, she gave them aids.

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria.

Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell!

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I want to try with an ancient Chinese joke and see if it works.

A man with a small dick wants to find a wife. He’s afraid to be laughed at for his size so he insists to find a true virgin. And he thinks of a clever way.

The man marries a woman, shows her his dick and asks her: “what is this?” The woman replies: “it’s your penis.” The man knows that she is...

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

Frodo is a great nickname for a friend...

...who disappears after he puts a ring on.

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“My best mate at school was nicknamed Lampost.”

“Was he tall and thin?”

“No he smelled like dog piss.”

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Daddy's nickname

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but wh...

My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...

Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.

I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

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Me and my girlfriend like to give each other dirty nicknames during sex

I think its really cute how she calls me "wrong hole" all the time.

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Our Boss just banned extremely specific nicknames

and now we are all waiting for Tattletale Dwight the Rat Snitch Good Time Ruiner to come back from Red Knee Nancy the Cocksuck Vending Machine's cubicle.

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

My nickname is Snapchat....

My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.

My nickname is "Gillette" because I'm the best a man can get.

Also, I will cut you.

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

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I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool.

She doesn’t like it.

My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America...

Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer.

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

What's the nickname for a particular fast swimming rapper?

The real Swim Shady.

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

What’s a nickname for Turkish police officers?

The Fez

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

My Mexican employee who works on my farm doesn’t like the nickname I’ve given him...

He’s my International Harvester.

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names.

Credit to my dad.

Nicknames

Three woman who were good friends would meet at the laundromat once a week to talk while washing their clothes. All of the woman were dating men named john, so one week they decided to make up nicknames to call their men so that they could tell them apart.

One of the women says, "let's name o...

What nickname did the boys at the precinct give Gotham's police commissioner once they heard he sometimes likes to expose himself to women on the street?

Flash Gordon.

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'NSFW' I nicknamed my dick 'U.S. Military Presence'

Because it never pulls out.

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats?

Because they're both in bread

Edgar (His nickname is, 'E') was a good man.

One day he gave me 20 bucks. I said, "Aye, E. I owe you."

Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

I was talking to my friend about nicknames...

Like how “Maddie” is short for “Madeline” or “Alex” for “Alexander”

-“But wait, how do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’”

You ask nicely

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Since we're doing translations, here's one from Mexico:

On the first day back from summer vacation, the teacher asked the students what they did over the summer and if they got any nicknames.


Juan goes first: "I spent my summer working with my dad laying bricks!"
Teacher: "did you have a nickname?
Juan: "Yes, the brick mason's son"
...

My nickname at school was glue

I don't know why, it just seemed to stick

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

My girlfriend gave me the nickname Jack Daniels

Because she says I'm a hard licker!

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Penis nicknames

My ex-girlfriend nicknamed my penis after her favorite rapper, Biggie. So I nicknamed her boobs after my favourite country band, Rascal Flatts.

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown?

Beats me.

Serena Williams' nickname should be...

Tennessee Williams

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny..

because they didn't make a lot of sense?

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

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Why do they call Joe Biden Walking Eagle?

While meeting with leaders of the Native American tribes, Donald Trump overheard them speaking to each other about "Walking Eagle."

Trump pulled one of the leaders aside and asked who "Walking Eagle" was.

"Oh," said the elder, "that's our name for Joe Biden."

Trump scowled. "Wh...

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