New Car Jokes - 72 Hilarious New Car Jokes

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if im sociopath.

Either way when i ran over that pedestrian, i didn't feel a thing

This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

I bought a brand new car and put a cow in it

Yes I beefed it up.

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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. M...

A man bought himself an expensive new car

He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.

First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.

Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.

Then final...

I invented a new type of car...

Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!"

My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!"

Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."

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A rich guy buys a new car

A rich guy buys a new car , the newest Ferrari model with the maximum speed of 400 km per hour, very proud of this new car he decides to take it
for a spin.He drives around for a while until he runs out of gas, he pulls over to the nearest gas station and fills up the car and then goes back in to...

Chrysler is introducing a new car to its line-up to honour Donald Trump

The Dodge Drafter will go into production in Canada this year.

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Some asshole just keyed my brand new car!

Thankfully, the damage seems to B minor

My new car has a reverse camera.

It’s awesome. Since I got it, I haven’t looked back.

[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?"

Salesman: "Car no do that. Car go road."

A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys

The Audi Partner.

I wanted to buy a new car but I’ve read that there are a lot of counterfeits on the market nowadays

Guess I’ll just keep my Honda Prius then

When I was 21 I drove my new car to a boat party in Norway.

It was a Fjord Fiesta.

My mom runs a car dealership and I am getting my new car from there.

My mom asked me "So will you be writing a cheque?"

I replied "Not today! It's my cake day. I get Free Karma"

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Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car.

But they're having trouble installing windows.

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Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts

It was a hard drive

Old man and his new car

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear v...

Two friends chat and one brags about his new car

“So I got a new Tesla Model X, it drives itself!”

“Nice! Where is it?”

“No idea...”

Bought a new car and showed it to my mum.

I said, "have a look at my karma"

Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?

He was used to his transport being a little buggy.

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A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

New car factory in USA

As I understand it the Audi car company are opening a new factory in Texas to produce a new SUV to be called the Audi Neighbour.

We do not have enough micro chips to build new cars

Is it because we used them all in the vaccines ?

Ford have announced their new car.

But the Ford Siesta has caused some safety concerns.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together.

The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism.

The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off th...

I saw the CEO of Google driving a brand new car

The rims were all chromed out

My boss bought a new car yesterday

It was an incredibly expensive top of the range BMW and I said to him as I walked passed on my way into work; “Lovely car, Boss - things must be going well?”

He replied “Thanks and yes things are good, but you know, if you work hard and keep your head down, by this time next year, I could hav...

Two people are looking at a new car...

Two people are looking at a car. The first person looks at the trunk and says, "Cargo space?"

The second person looks at the other as if he's crazy. "Car no do that. Car no fly."

Why are 17-year-olds like a new car?

0% interest for 12 months.

Did you guys see Stevie Wonders new car?

Neither did he.

I need a new car..

The one I have keeps taking me to work.

General Motors will introduce 2 new warning lights for their cars!

One to tell you that you need a new engine and the other to tell you that you need a new car.

All fishermen will now have free meals and a new car

But there's a catch

A guy asks his dad to buy him a new car

Guy: dad can you buy me a new car

Dad: sure, but first you have to do something for me...

Guy: what is it?

Dad: go to the backyard and write down the name of every tree we have and bring the list to me

The son goes to the backyard, and comes back an hour later with a list...

Have you heard about the new car from Israel?

Not only does it stop on the dime, but it picks it up too!

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

I just got this crazy new car that drives 180 mph on the highway

However, the dealership and the police don’t like the car as much

Porsche wanted to name their new car the Model E

But the name was already Taycan.

I went to buy a new car...

The salesman said- “Buy it today, and you won’t make a payment for six months.”

I said- “Boy! You really know me!”

I need a new car, I can't seem to hang onto my Fords.

I always seem to lose my Focus.

So I told my wife I'm buying a new car...

Me: So sick of my car. I'm sellin it & buying a Honda—like Jesus

Wife: Jesus didnt have a Honda🤔

M: He was just humble about it

W: No he wasnt—b/c he didnt have a Honda

M: Really?? Then why’d Jesus say in John 12:49, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

😅

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

A man drives his new car back to the dealership...

And he says "the car I bought last week doesn't work at night". So a mechanic tries starting the car with the lights already on. Then, he tried again but turning the lights on with the engine running. Nothing goes wrong, the mechanic explains that he can come back and get a different car if it has t...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

Why did the unvaccinated 3 year old want a new car?

He was having a mid-life crisis,

A snail buys a new car...

The snail's new car is sleek and modern. It's also in the shape of an "S". Eager to show off his new car, he drives it around town. One of his friends notices and says, "Man! Look at that escargot!"

An old man buys a new car.

He rools down the windows, and heads for the highway, speeding up to 200 km/h. The adrenalin of passing other cars and the wind against his face made him feel young again. Suddenly, he hears sirens and see blue lights from his behind, so he speeds up without a second thought.

When it hits him...

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New Car

A man in Arizona gets a new sports car and decides to test it out. He gets out on a long stretch of highway and begins to speed up. No cars are around, so he hits 65, the speed limit. A few moments later still no cars, so he gets it up to 85. Suddenly blue lights go off behind him.

Fuck i...

I bought a new car recently.

I got it for a great deal. Oscar Mayer Weiner was going under so they sold me one of their weenie vans. I was really excited so I drove it around town to show off. I pulled up to a Starbucks because I was thirsty and as I was parking I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She watched me park an...

I had to disable the lane departure warning on my new car.

It kept going off at random times, for no reason, and it was distracting me from my texting.

Werner Heisenberg just unveiled a new car...

It comes with a GPS or a speedometer, but not both.

Pope Francis gets a new car.

He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV.

When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. "Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"

What are you supposed to say...

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I got a new car radio yesterday

It has voice recognition. You shout "soul" and it plays a soul station. You shout "rock" and it finds rock and roll for you. You shout "country" and it finds country music.
I was enjoying this new technology when some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last second. I yel...

My friend ran into a tree with his brand new car...

He found out his Mercedes bends

So I bought a new car, and was having trouble figuring out the new seatbelt...

then it clicked.

So a snail is shopping for a new car

After all the paperwork is in order and credit checks completed the salesman asks if he wants any extras

Snail: "Why yes I'd like you to paint an "S" on the drivers and passengers door."

Salesman: "Well we can certainly do that for you sir, do you mind if I ask why?"

Snail: "Tha...

Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?”

He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly”

My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one...

Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?

An older gentlemen gets a new car with his retirement...

Man: I don't have much longer living. Let's see what I can do!

The man gets onto the highway and goes about 15 miles over the speed limit when he sees blue lights behind him.

Man: As I do not have much longer, let's have fun!

The man drives faster and faster while the cop stays...

I recently bought a new car in Texas - it’s malfunctioning pls help

Whenever I start the car it says “Haudi” .

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