UPJOKE

New Carpet Jokes

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

Carpet fitters

An attractive lady hires two carpet fitters to replace the carpet in her sitting room after her pet parrot had made a terrible mess of the old carpet.
The two carpet fitters were stereotypical blue collar workers but had enough respect not to make any lewd jokes or double entendre at her expense...

A salesman decided to venture into a new housing development.

He thought no other salesmen would have gone there because it was a new development. He wanted to be the first one, the early bird. So he knocked on the very first house that he saw there. A lady came and opened the door. Without giving her a chance to speak, he slipped into her house, took out A LO...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When 2 dogs meet each other

(This is a joke my dad told me when I was a kid)

Once a long time ago, there was a king who loved hunting. His favorite method was hunting with dogs. So over the course of his life he gathered as many dogs as he could find and used them to hunt his game.

One day he came up to his dogs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think i was really drunk last night.

Woke up to my mate yelling at me. I opened my eyes and realized i was at his place.

He said: wtf man? Did you shit on the floor again? Pooped on the new carpet i just bought. what is wrong with you?

I thought to myself wait,what? again? no that cant be me, i wasnt that drunk last night...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother could never find a good job because he takes his job to seriously..

This one job he picked up was a door to door salesman selling vacuums in an new estate. so he goes to the first house and knocks on the door. A lady opens the door and he throws shit inside all in the new carpet and says,
“Lady if this vacuum doesn’t suck up That shit, I’ll eat it!” And she repli...

I just broke up with my girlfriend

I'll tell you what happened

The other night we were at a party at one of our friends house, she really can't handle alcohol but she just kept drinking and drinking, she got so drunk that I more or less had to carry her out to the car and take her home, when we got back to the house she stumbl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.