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Neckbeard Jokes

Where does the neckbeard get his water?

The well, actually.

How do you call a group of neckbeards?

A subreddit.

What's the plural of neckbeard?

There isn't one. They're all singular.

Which country do neckbeards hate the most?

Chad.

Why is a morgue like a neckbeard convention?

It is full of people with no lives

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

What diagnosis did the doctor give the nervous neckbeard?

A m'lady malady.

What does a diabetic neckbeard need to survive?

Incelin

How do neckbeards sneeze?

Ack-CHOO-ally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know you're a neckbeard

When you think that moving up in the world means moving from your parents' basement to your parents' attic.

I'm an ex-neckbeard and I just shaved for the very first time!

I guess you could say I lost my fur-chin-ity..

Dr. Neckbeard is on a Date

His date asks "what are you a Doctor of?"

He tips his hat and says "M'dicine"

What’s the difference between a sewer grate and a neckbeard?

A sewer grate is less of a drain in society.

What did the neckbeard say to cancer?

M'lignant

What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword?

M'Bladey

What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard's neckbeard?

M'stache

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

What did the neckbeard say to the kitchen utensil?

M’Ladle!

What do you call a neckbeard illness?

Ma'lady.

What's a neckbeard's favourite disease?

M'laria.

What did the neckbeard cat say?

M'eow (tips fedora)

What do you call a children's poet giving a backrub to a neckbeard?

M'Seuss

What is the phase when a neckbeard realizes his Fedora looks stupid?

M’aturity.

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

What is a neckbeard's favorite color?

M'agenta

What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?

M’stard

What is a Neckbeard’s favorite band?

Iron M’aiden

What is a neckbeard's favorite breast size?

10D's.

A neckbeard was brutally murdered in a cornfield

It was very M'Cob

How did the neckbeard greet his nutty university?

M'acadamia

What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?

M'lasses

What's a neckbeard's favourite ABBA song?

M'ma mia

What's a Neckbeards' favourite colour?

M'genta

What disease do neckbeard mosquitos give you?

M'laria.

Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?

Because it will attract Ma'ladies.

What does a neckbeard get when he's sick

A malady.

Neckbeard goes to the doctor, feeling abnormal.

He had a ma'lady.

What happens when a neckbeard takes drugs?

They start tipping balls.

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the neckbeard call the tiny hat he bought for his penis?

Tip’s fedora.

What’s a neckbeards favorite part of a song?

Me’lody.

What is a neckbeard's favorite type of wood?

m'hogany

Why did the neckbeard become a doctor?

He sure knows how to treat M'aladies

What did the neckbeard say when he looked in the mirror?

M'self

Whats the difference between a neckbeard and a fat person.

You will get banned from reddit for making fun of a fat person.

Is it okay to say, "not all Americans," or do I have to grow a neckbeard first?

Asking for a friend...

Who's a modern pirate for the 21st century?

Neckbeard!

What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

McLady.

What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?

M'rauders Map

Despite always being made fun of on the internet, I've never seen a fedora-wearing neckbeard in the real life.

I guess that means the stereotype is true.

What do you call a pirate who likes My Little Pony?

A neckbeard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While playing in my local basketball rec league, I once thought that my next game would be against the Boston Celtics.

I was proven wrong once the game started and I got a good look at the opponents. They wore grey instead of green. Likewise, Kemba Walker, Jayson Tatum, Gordon Hayward, and Jaylen Brown were nowhere to be found.

Instead, I found myself face-to-face with a bunch of stinky, over-weight neckbea...

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A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

Guy needed for joke to work: Name a country in Asia

Neckbeard: M’laysia

P.S
I’m sorry for posting this but it’s just the worst joke I’ve ever been able to think up on my own and I’m sort of proud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redditor got bored and decided to try an experiment...

There was a case of Coca Cola in the corner of the basement, next to a case of store-brand Cola. He decided to test the effects of each on the ants that infested the basement. He spilled a small puddle of each on the floor and watched as the ants crowded around the sugary liquids. At some point the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

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