This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

Trump mistakenly referred to 9/11 attacks as 7/11 attacks

It seems someone has been providing him fake cues.

If I was mistakenly adopted by a french man...

He would be my faux pa.

I mistakenly thought there were 11 ants illegally squatting in an apartment

Turns out they were ten-ants.

A communist mistakenly walked into an economics lecture in a local university

When he realised it was a mistake, he said to himself "whoops, wrong class".

A police officer mistakenly arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned that you should never book a judge by their cover.

To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened..

The Dentist told her she needs a crown.

Video: Finnish Navy and Yle mistakenly follow Russian nuclear submarine

Whoops. Wrong sub.

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

My wife asked me to hand her a tube of lipstick, but I mistakenly handed her a tube of Super Glue

Now she won't talk to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate when black people mistakenly think I'm racist

Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde goes to a hospital with both ears burnt.

The doctor looks and says "ooof, what happened there?"

The blonde, in pain tells the doctor "I was ironing while the phone rang and mistakenly I have put my iron on my ear instead of the phone."

The doctor rather confused, asked the blonde "so what happened to the other ear?"

T...

A priest is driving home from the bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

He mistakenly takes an empty bottle of wine with him and tosses it onto the floor on the passenger side of the car. He’s pulled over by a cop, who smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and spots the empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. The cop asks the priest, “Father, have you been drinking t...

A woman was having surgery

A woman was having surgery to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene. Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.

Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left leg.

Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, bu...

An old woman goes to a clinic

She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman’s test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she’s pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
...

A woman takes out an add in the newspaper reading....

"Wanted, a man who won't hit me, who won't ever run away from me, and is great in the sack!"

A week later she hears her doorbell but doesn't see anyone when she opens the door. Just as she's about to close it she hears a guy say
"Hey, down here."

She looks down to see a man with no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Engineer Goes To Hell (repost from r/AskReddit, all credit to armaha)

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..."
At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 ghosts meet in heaven...

Ghost 1: Hey


Ghost 2: Hey...


Ghost 1: So... How did you die?


Ghost 2: I was mistakenly locked up in a
refrigerator. At first i was chilling, then, i
started freezing, and then, i just couldn't breathe... Guess i died of suffocation.


Ghost 1: Wow.... ...

On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...

*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.


The woman ignores him.


*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*


The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the ...

$8 Bill

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to...

Two old men......

......decide that they were close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town.

After a few drinks they end up in a brothel. The madam takes one look at the 2 old geezers and asks the manager, "Set up two blow-up dolls in first two rooms upstairs. These guys are so drunk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best marriage joke

A married woman boards a train. The staff bring her to her private sleeper room only to find that another passenger is already inside. The train attendant apologizes and tells her to wait while they sort it out.

The woman sits down in the car and starts talking with the man who was mistakenl...

A couple...

decides to have an holiday in a Carrabean beach, the same one they went on honeymoon 20 years before. The wife has some work matters to solve, so she's going to reach her husband after a week. At his arrival, he notices a pc had been added to the room, and that he could write an e-mail to his belove...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale Of Hare & Tortoise

Once there was a hare and a tortoise. Hare used to make fun of the tortoise about his speed. After getting fed up of all the remarks of hare, tortoise proposed a bet to race to finally conclude who is faster. Hare being confident in himself agreed to the bet. They both started the race from the agre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nearing the end of a long flight,

the pilot starts talking on the intercom announcing that the final approach coming up. Unknowingly, he then lays down the mic, mistakenly leaving it on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "Man I could sure use a cup of coffee right about now." The co-pilot chuckles and says "Better yet, I could use a ...

The official bad Yakov Smirnoff punchline thread about the Sochi Olympics

You have been warned...

In Russia, yellow water is not dirty, it's colored that way by Russian government so we don't mistakenly drink water instead of vodka!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.