Misses Jokes - 23 Hilarious Misses Jokes

My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom window where the man’s wife is having her affair. He tells t...

Man misses the bus

Man misses the bus just by a second and starts shouting:
- Stop the bus, stop the bus. I am late for work! I am late for work!

Passanger's on the bus hears him and tells the bus driver to stop the bus.

Man gets in the bus and says:
- Thank you everyone! Now please get your bus ti...

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.

There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.

She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running a...

Bambi really misses his mother

He misses her *deerly*

[OC] Why isn't it special when your stormtrooper boyfriend says he misses you?

He misses everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

My ex-wife still misses me...

But her aim is gettin' better!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not swear or god will punish you.

A man who is a habitual swearer is playing golf. And a priest is watching him playing. He takes his first shot, misses it. Mad, he says “fuck i missed it”. The priest says, “son, do not swear or god will punish you”. The man flips him and takes another shot. He completely misses it again. Furious, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"

"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an American and an Australian are in a pub...

And the Frenchman says, "When I make love to my wife she’s in such ecstasy her body rises centimetres off the bed."

The American, not to be outdone, replies, "When I have sex with my wife she’s having so much fun she rises inches off the bed."

They both then look at the Australian and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman tries to cut off spouse’s penis but misses and hits his thigh

She was charged with a missed-a-weener

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Little Johnny misses a day at school.

He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.

"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned."

"Oh dear!" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"

"Well Miss," he replied, "they don't fuck about at the crematorium."

A girl misses a guy.

A girl misses her ex-boyfriend. After thinking it through, she decides to text him.
"I miss you. Please come back into my life." She texts him. Her phone buzzes after 4 minutes. "Where are you now?" The boy texted back. The girls heart is pounding hard. "Home, in my room." She texts. Her phone b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

A redshirt and a Stormtrooper get into a firefight.

The Stormtrooper misses every shot, but the redshirt dies anyway.

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