UPJOKE

Meant To Be Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

If we were meant to be vegetarians

then why do cats taste like chicken?

Bald men are meant to be more virile...

The problem is they never get the chance to prove it

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

Some lines are meant to be crossed.

I was telling a telephone joke the other day to my asian friend. I got as far as "Ring Ring" before he said, "You keep my famiry out of this".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asked his father what I meant to be gay

His father replied that it meant to be happy. The son thought about the meaning for a brief moment and then asked his father "Are You Gay?" His father responded, "No son, I married your mother."

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back is was meant to be.

That was definitely not a balloon.

Laughter is meant to be shared, so if you can make just 1 person laugh

you're not very funny

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

Im finally using reddit how it was meant to be used

And ive run out of toilet paper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but a pair of underwear. On arriving the host says “who are you meant to be?”

To which the man replies “I’m “premature ejaculation”.

“I don’t get it” says the host.

Man “I’ve just come in my pants”

My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip...

I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

What do you call an LGBTQ+ plane.

A biplane.

(This is not meant to be offensive)

Man goes to a Halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman strapped to his back.

His friend sees him and says, "Hey, what are you meant to be?"

"Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle" he replies

His friend responds, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"

The man replies, "oh, that's just Michelle"

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

So two archenemies get in a car crash in the middle of the night...

They get out of their cars, uninjured, and the first guy goes, "Hey, we both are fine! Maybe this is a sign from the heavens that we are meant to be friends!" So the second guy responds, "Maybe that is so."

Then, the first guy suggests they make a toast to their newfound friendship, "I thin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.

Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.

"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."

The employee escorts her to the manager's office...

A single guy walks into a bar

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been trying that online dating thing. Almost every single girl has the same old line in their profile," he tells the bartender. "Oh yeah, what line is that?" the bartender asks. "They all say, 'If I was meant to be controlled I would have come w...

What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you put in 110% for your math test

You will fail it. That's not how math fucking works.


Edit : I understand that 110/100 is a thing. This is just meant to be a joke that makes you laugh when you first see it.

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

A blonde woman moves to first-class on a plane without permission

The flight attendant come up to her, she says "Um excuse me miss, this isn't your seat." The blonde woman replies "Excuse me? Yes it is!" So the Flight Attendant points where her seat is in economy class But she refuses to go back there. Suddenly the captain comes out and asks "what's going on he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bride-to-be is stressing out over the fact that she’s not a virgin,

but she’s told her future husband she is. She has no idea what to do and is talking to her friends about it, when one of the friends pipes up and says, “Here’s what you do — buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will be nice and tight and your husband will never know.”

So, the bri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are in a bar.

They’re smashed.
One guy throws up down himself and says oh shit, “my wife is going to kill me I was only meant to be having 2 beers”.
The other guy says, “no need to worry, put this twenty in your pocket and say someone threw up on you and he’s paid your dry cleaning bill”

Shocked by...

I didn't like my girlfriend at first.

I didn't like my girlfriend at first.



Until she told me she was a conservative, then I knew everything would be all right.



^(\*This is not meant to be political, it is just a joke.)

Dennis Rodman earns himself a cameo in Kazaam 2.

Knowing full well that this would be a large production, he decided to arrive on set well before his scheduled scene was meant to be filmed. Even with his prudent planning, when he drove onto the lot, there was only one spot left and so he took it. As soon he stepped out his vehicle however, he was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to their first prom

He is very nervous, and his father notices as he’s getting ready. His father quickly tries to help ease his son, “don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You’re good looking, you get that from your mom.” The boy stops, eyes wide, and turns to face his father,

“Wait, IM ADOPTED?!?!?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my friend and I were asked to a fancy dress party

The theme was emotions...

The host opened to door to me wearing a dress and my friend with his penis on a bowl of custard.

Confused, he asked “so what emotions are you guys meant to be?”

My friend said “well he’s in dis dress, and I’m fuckin dis custard”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

Halloween trick or treat

I remember a story from last year. I was sat in my living room when I heard a small knock at the door. As I opened the door there was a little boy dressed as the Predator, with his dad. I asked "and who are you meant to be?" kneeling down to give him a sweet, "a child Predator" his dad responds. "W...

I dated a girl in a wheel chair once.

it was a tough relationship tho. Have you ever heard the saying "If you love her then let her go, and if she comes back then it was meant to be"?

Well don't let her go on a hill by a lake, cause she don't come back

A human head is carried into a bar...

“Hey I’ve never tried a beer before I think I’ll have that!” So he drinks the beer then POOF! He has a neck. “Wow this is great gimmie another one!” So he downs the next one and POOF! He has a body. He keeps drinking until he’s a full naked body in the bar. (But at least he has a body.) “You beer ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a jello shot and my dick have in common?

They're both only meant to be consumed by dumb drunk chicks.

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most useless thing on a woman?

A drunken Irishmen at 3am.

[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dogs have a sixth sense.

A Man is hanging out by the river, watching people walk across a bridge, when a little shaggy dog walks up to him. Out of nowhere, the dog says

“Hey, did you know that we dogs have a sixth sense?”
“Really?” The man says
“Sure. That’s how we know when there are storms coming. That’s how...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do you have a vagina?"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there



He asks the lady,



'Do you have a vagina?'



She slams the door in disgust.



The next morning she hears a knock at ...

Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season

* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.