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Exceed Jokes

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

n a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agre...

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I've seen a ton of shit in my lifetime but this year exceeded everything.

I need to stop looking in toilets.

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

A young lad sees the Director of the company he works at park up in a brand new Aston Martin.

'Nice car' says the lad.

The Director looks at him coolly on the eye and says 'See this lad, if you work hard, do loads of unpaid hours and consistently exceed your punishing sales targets, well lad, this time next year ...... I can buy another one.'

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini...

I said “ Wow, that’s an amazing car!”

He replied “ Well, If you work really hard, exceed all your targets and strive for excellence, I’ll get a Bugatti next year!”

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here ...

You matter.

Sorry, meant to say you *are* matter. An exceedingly insignificant bit of it.

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An elderly Lady goes to an undertaker

An elderly lady with no family wants to leave her affairs in order in her old age. That is why she goes to an undertaker. They discuss the funeral, the guest list, flowers and whatever else is necessary. The undertaker also asks her if she has any special wishes regarding the inscription on her grav...

Ruth, a young blonde woman, was driving her Ferrari waaay over the speed limit,

…so she gets pulled over be the police. The police woman, who also turns out to be a young blonde, walks over to the Ferrari and signals Ruth to roll down her window. With the window open, our blonde police officer demands to see Ruth’s drivers license and registration. After finding the registratio...

How to one lady got out of a speeding ticket.

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and...

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

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I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

It was late at night .....

It was late at night and the police were out checking for erratic driving.

They spotted a car travelling alone along the dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left the main road and when they ...

A very reasonable excuse

A fellow who was exceeding the speed limit when he caught the sight of red & blue flashing lights in the rear view.

Pulling his car over, the officer stopped behind him & approached the driver's window. Rolling his window down the driver had a terrified look on his face. The office a...

Story about Kenny Loggins

Was reading this story today about Top Gun, and found another story about Kenny Loggins. Apparently he was part of a recent program to clone musicians and artists, to isolate and modify the genes responsible for creativity. There was a limit of the number of clones that could be created, and at one ...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.

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3 men shipwrecked on desert island

(Beer garden banter joke. Works best when you use yourself and people you know as the protagonists, just replace names and choose the butt of the joke)

3 men get shipwrecked on a desert island.
Their boat ruined they head in-land to find salvation, when out of the trees lunges a huge 7 fo...

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An Engagement Request

A young prince was courting a nearby princess. She was exceedingly beautiful, but not well off; her parents insisted that she entertain the request, as his kingdom was very wealthy.

So she told him, "I will only marry you on three conditions; the first is that you build me a palace covered i...

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The Expensive Prostitute

Man walks into a bar, sees a pretty woman and strikes up a conversation, discovers she's a prostitute. He says, "I've never done this before but what the hell, how much for a hand job?" She says $500. He is appalled, "$500?! How is that possible?" She says, "Do you see that mercedes outside? That's ...

Ling and Ving

Two brothers, called Ling and Ving, travel from their home country to America with their father. For the next 2 years, Ling and Ving both attend a college in New York. Everybody loved Ling, but Ving was constantly bullied because of his exceedingly odd name.

After several months, Ving decided...

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So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long)

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would g...

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Why IRS hasn't taxed the only thing it left out - penis!

NEW TAX CODE

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but th...

One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)

So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island.

After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them.

With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their l...

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How Shit Happens.

In the beginning was the plan

And then came the assumptions

And the assumptions were without form

And the plan was completely without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of workers

And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it ...

Hipster filmographer

A wealthy businessman had found himself to be the subject of a documentary. For the first day of filming he was to meet the camera man at the airport where he would be departing for a lengthy business trip. When the camera man arrived, the businessman was taken aback to see a full blown hipster. D...

[Long] A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas

A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas. Suddenly, a giant mountain appears. It does not seem like that the plane is able to fly over the mountain.

The pilot says: "Dear passengers, please stay calm. Due to exceeding our weight limit, our plane is not flying at our desired altitude....

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

A older man bought himself a convertible sports car

He figured he'd lived past the age of 50 quite responsibly and it was about time he started having some fun.

He was driving down the highway with the roof down far exceeding the speed limit. Suddenly he sees blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror, the traffic police...

Increasin...

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

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Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot

So Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot grew up together and were the best of friends.
They did everything together until one day Foot took ill.
So Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot took Foot to the doctor.
The doctor examined Foot and then tells Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot the bad news that ...

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A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

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3 guys show up at heaven at the same time...

... St. Peter is at the gate, and informs the first one in line that, because heaven has exceeded its quota for the month, under direct orders from the man himself, he is to let in only those that have died untimely or unfortunate deaths.

Understanding this, the first guy begins to tell his ...

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A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

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