UPJOKE
litrekgkilogrammasspoundtonnespeed of lightkeymetric systemlbstonliterouncemilligrams

"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

A science teacher was teaching his students how to convert from pounds to kilograms.

There was mass confusion in the classroom.

What do you call a kilogram of donuts .

Property of obesity

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

What’s the difference between a gram and a kilogram?

About 5-10 years.

I was in London last summer

I was in London last summer, and I got food poisoning. I lost 6 kilograms. See a lot of Americans don't understand that because it's metric. But I did the math, and 6 kilograms is over $720,000 in cocaine.

A guy approaches a girl at a bar:

"How heavy is a polar bear?" The guy says
"oh ive heard this one, heavy enough to break the ice" the girl smugly answers
"Thats stupid, it lives on ice you moron. A fully grown polar bear is about 450 kilograms.

How do you make a kilogram of fat appealing?

Put a nipple on it

A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

Police officers report a case to their headquater on the phone

- Hey chief, we found 30 kilograms of cocaine in here, what should we do with it?

- Woah you found 20 kilograms of cocaine, that's nice.

- No chief, we found 10 kilograms only.

- No weed? Call me again if you find something.

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:


"What are those?"


"Those are potatoes"


"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"


The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.


"What are those?"


"Tho...

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white guy in the elevator...

So there's a white guy standing in the elevator. Just as the door are about to close, a huge black guy gets in. He stretches his huge arms around the elevator and he says:
- Hi. I'm two meters high. Two meters wide. Have a half meter penis and a kilogram per testicle. I'm Turner Brown!
After h...

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend always tells everybody that I have a dick like a baby.

I think it’s nobody’s business that it’s 40 centimetres long and weighs 5 kilograms

an American, an Arabian and a Vietnamese in a helicopter

Gasoline was low, the pilot tells them to get rid of unnecessary things to lower the weight.

The American throw a suitcase full of money and said: That just 10 million dollars, There's so many of them in my bank.

The Arabian throw a suitcase full of gold and said: That just 20 kilogram...

Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.

What is the unit of volume?

Liters.


What is the unit of mass?

Kilograms.


What is the unit of distance?

Meters.


What is the unit of power?

Yes.

(I know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An accountant is imprisoned after committing fraud

When he walks into his cell, he is confronted by his cellmate - a 150 kilogram, 2 metre tall muscle-bound bloke called Bubba.

Bubba lays down the rules, "In here, to keep sane we play mummies and daddies. Because you're new, you can choose whether you want to be mummy or daddy."

The ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

What's the fastest way to go from 300 pounds to 140?

Convert to kilograms.

How do you become a mass murderer?

Kilogram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian Military Rations

Several generals from different countries are sitting together in a bar. After a some while of small-talk, the american general starts bragging about how the US Army was recently able to improve the nutritional value of their field rations to 4000 Calories. To which the russian general replies: "Bul...

Sciencey Joke...

These are one of the many jokes my grandfather tells me. Enjoy.


There is a bus conductor, with anger problems. He once got very angry and threw a passenger off of the bus, whom then got run over and died.

He got sentenced to death on the electric chair.

They asked him, "Any ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.