UPJOKE

### "Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

### Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

### What do you call a kilogram of donuts .

Property of obesity

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### A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100\$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of \$100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay \$100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

### - Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

### How do you make a kilogram of fat appealing?

Put a nipple on it

### George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...

### A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

### I was in London last summer

I was in London last summer, and I got food poisoning. I lost 6 kilograms. See a lot of Americans don't understand that because it's metric. But I did the math, and 6 kilograms is over \$720,000 in cocaine.

### A guy approaches a girl at a bar:

"How heavy is a polar bear?" The guy says
"oh ive heard this one, heavy enough to break the ice" the girl smugly answers
"Thats stupid, it lives on ice you moron. A fully grown polar bear is about 450 kilograms.

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### A white guy in the elevator...

So there's a white guy standing in the elevator. Just as the door are about to close, a huge black guy gets in. He stretches his huge arms around the elevator and he says:
- Hi. I'm two meters high. Two meters wide. Have a half meter penis and a kilogram per testicle. I'm Turner Brown!
After h...

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### A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

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### My girlfriend always tells everybody that I have a dick like a baby.

I think it’s nobody’s business that it’s 40 centimetres long and weighs 5 kilograms

### An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

### an American, an Arabian and a Vietnamese in a helicopter

Gasoline was low, the pilot tells them to get rid of unnecessary things to lower the weight.

The American throw a suitcase full of money and said: That just 10 million dollars, There's so many of them in my bank.

The Arabian throw a suitcase full of gold and said: That just 20 kilogram...

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### A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

### Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

### Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.

What is the unit of volume?

Liters.

What is the unit of mass?

Kilograms.

What is the unit of distance?

Meters.

What is the unit of power?

Yes.

(I know...

### What's the fastest way to go from 300 pounds to 140?

Convert to kilograms.

### How do you become a mass murderer?

Kilogram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

### At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

### Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

### John the employee

John, a very experienced employee, was once having a drink with his boss, and found it a great opportunity to discuss a subject he has always been thinking about.

"Can I get a raise in salary?" John gently asked.

After a moment of thinking, the boss replied: "Of course! No one could re...