Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

Why did the acid go to the gym?

It wanted to become a buffer solution.

I saw a real idiot at the Gym today.....

He put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

I joined a gym 6 months ago, but I still haven't seen any results

I think I'm going to have to go there in person and talk to the manager.

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Going to the gym has changed my life. I dropped 20 pounds

On my foot. Shit’s broken and I can’t walk now.

When I canceled my gym membership,

I had to hand in my too weak notice

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Waldo is working out at the gym

He sees another guy there and asks, "hey man, can you spot me?"

The guy says: "Well I'll try my best, but it might take me a while."

Guess who failed the gym class??

Dumbbells

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

I went to the Gym today. I spent 20 minutes bending, stretching and pulling...

... and when that was done my gym clothes were finally on and I could start my workout

Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle.

"How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

My local gym costs $120 for an entire year

That’s $60 per visit, not a great deal.

I was meant to go to the gym today.

Guess it didn’t work out

Yesterday I went to the gym, so I could look like Chris Hemsworth.

This morning I woke up and all my muscles were Thor...

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.

People gave me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

There’s a new machine down at the gym today,

I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black and white guy are training at the gym.

After their training session they hit the changing room and undress.

The white guy can’t help but look at the black guys penis size and remarks, “How did you get it so big?”

He replies, “It’s a muscle so when I go home, I put on a warm bath, get inside and begin to stretch it by tuggi...

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics.

They said, "How flexible are you?"




I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday."

Why did the owl go to the gym?

Because he’s the stare master.

I quit my gym membership today

It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Some gyms are open 24 hours now. If you see me at the gym at 3am...

It's because I'm trapped under a weight

I nearly paid off my student loans today, I was so close! But then I got an unexpected bill for my gym membership.

I didn't even know we had a gym at the nursing home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

#nsfw A new gym opens in town

A guy decides to try it, he enters and sees a sign : " lose 5 kg for 20€ or 10 kg for 40€" . He chose to try to lose 5kg, after paying they put him a big dark room and closed the door then the light turned on and he found a hot woman looking at him and said:
"if you catch me you can fuck me"...

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

Picking up a girl at the gym

You're running like you want me to catch you.

I was at the gym last night

I noticed a hole in my trainer, it was just about big enough to fit my finger in.
Anyway she’s now made a formal complaint and I’m barred for life

I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

Did you hear about the French gym where you have to bring them a baguette or else they won’t let you in?

They have “No le pain, no gain” policy.

I broke up with my gym

We were just not working out

Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.

Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice ...

A guy proposed to a woman in the gym but she said no :(

Well that didn't workout

How do you call a gym thats dirty

A gymnastium

I've been hired for a commercial for a gym chain.

I'll be the before-model.

Two Chameleons walk in a gym.

The first one says “Spot me, bro”

The second goes “Who said that?”

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, "Since when have you been wearing a girdle?"

Other guy says, "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car."

When I was a kid, I used to hate gym class.

I hated the whole locker room; I was never comfortable taking off my clothes in front of other young boys.

Now that I'm a priest, I don't mind so much.

Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.

Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was havin...

My wife told me to go the gym and burn some calories

So I went and set some fat kids on fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

What do you call a jewish gym-goer?

A Hebro

Why did satan open a gym?

So he could exercise his demons.

I can never find time to work out, so I started going to the gym from 9 to 11.

That way I can *Never Forget.*

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

What did the christian say to the ladies at the gym?

Hallowed be thy gains

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

What's it called when a rapper goes to the gym for 20 minutes?

A Lil Pump.

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

I should post a gym joke for Karma,

They really seem to work out.

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

What did the group of monkeys say to the gym instructor?

Help us buffoons.

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today

Talk about muscle mass

Why did the chicken go to the gym

He believed in survival of the fittest

What do you call Elon Musk when he’s been to the gym a lot?

Muskular

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

I have been hitting the gym recently.

I'm not getting fitter, but my hand is getting darn bloody.

I'm going to open a gym with power walking and door knocking classes.

I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

I was supposed to meet my tinder date for the first time at the gym...

But she didn’t show up.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

I just signed up for a 12 month membership at a gym.

My bank called wondering if my credit card got stolen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

W...

I go to the gym religiously...

About 2 times a year around the holidays.

I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms

And they’ll all be open 11-3 daily

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

Today at the gym I found a hole in my trainer large enough to stuck my finger through.

She's pressing charges.

How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?

Dairy

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

My new year’s resolution is to get my gym membership

Cancelled.

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

At the gym

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)...I can't see you anymore...I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!



Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

Renamed my bathroom

Now it called "The Gym" , and I can talk to my friends about how I've already been today.

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

In used to work out a lot in the gym

But I got sick of the long weights

I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

A beautiful woman walks into a gym...

Two men inside are working out together when the first asks: "My goodness, that's got to be the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. What machine do i have to work on in order to get a girl like that?" The second replied: "Probably the ATM"

In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D.

That's how I got an A.

At the gym

ME: Hey, can you spot me?

GUY: Sure, which machine?

ME: * gestures to vending machine *

Right over there.

You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

How come many couples don’t go to the gym together?

Because some relationships just don’t workout.

I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

This guy came up to me in the gym.

He said, hey...what's your secret?

I said, I poo with the door open

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