This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

I said to my gym instructor, "Can you teach me how to do the splits?"

He said: "Well how flexible are you?"

I said: "I can’t make Tuesdays"

(by Tim Vine)

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

I’ve been going to the local gym to get pumped.

Sorry, *Jim.

Today at the gym I found a hole in my trainer large enough to stuck my finger through.

She's pressing charges.

I asked my personal trainer which machine I should use at the gym to impress the ladies..

She looked me up and down and then said, "The ATM."

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

Why did satan open a gym?

So he could exercise his demons.

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I just signed up for a 12 month membership at a gym.

My bank called wondering if my credit card got stolen

At the gym

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)...I can't see you anymore...I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

​

Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

I was supposed to meet my tinder date for the first time at the gym...

But she didn’t show up.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today

Talk about muscle mass

My new year’s resolution is to get my gym membership

Cancelled.

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

I go to the gym religiously...

About 2 times a year around the holidays.

What do you call Elon Musk when he’s been to the gym a lot?

Muskular

I tried the gym

Didn't work out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships just don't work out.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

In used to work out a lot in the gym

But I got sick of the long weights

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

I'm going to open a gym with power walking and door knocking classes.

I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.

There’s a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

W...

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

I broke up with my gym.

We weren't working out.

You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?

Dairy

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

A beautiful woman walks into a gym...

Two men inside are working out together when the first asks: "My goodness, that's got to be the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. What machine do i have to work on in order to get a girl like that?" The second replied: "Probably the ATM"

Why did the priest go to the gym?

Because he needed to exorcise!

...I'll see myself out.

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

How come many couples don’t go to the gym together?

Because some relationships just don’t workout.

I went to the gym and left my stuff in a locker.

Apparently, you CAN get jacked in just one day.

At the gym

ME: Hey, can you spot me?

GUY: Sure, which machine?

ME: * gestures to vending machine *

Right over there.

In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D.

That's how I got an A.

I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

2 Guys walk out of the gym together.

The first guy has a big bulge near his pocket. The second guy points at and and asks what it is.

"Tennis ball."

The second guy makes a face like he's thinking, and then says "Well I had tennis elbow once..."

I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

Man goes to a gym

And asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress this reeally beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"


The trainer replied “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My buddy with a lisp just blew my mind and gut with this joke; we were at the gym and he walks up and asks nonchalantly: “Is your butt thore?”

“Because I’ll be your Ass-guardian.”

Why do impatient people hate to go to the gym?

Because of the weights!

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

idk if this is a repost but my gym teacher taught me this one

Why did suzie fall off the swing?
Cuz she had no arms and legs.
Knock knock.
Whos there?
Not suzie.

A man just proposed to a woman at a gym. She said no.

Well that didn’t workout...

My gym teacher was shouting at me like “Power comes from the legs! I know you can do it!”

It felt really bad as I was standing on a ledge on the 31st floor.

I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”

“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

I overslept and didn’t go to the gym today

That’s 3 years in a row.....I’ll try again tomorrow

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I ejaculated in my pants during gym class.

I am telling you because I feel it is important to acknowledge one's shortcummings.

What do you get when Ricegum goes to the gym?

Sorghum

My gym moved to a different floor.

It took my fitness routine to a whole new level.

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

This guy came up to me in the gym.

He said, hey...what's your secret?

I said, I poo with the door open

Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

What happens when reddit hits the gym a lot?

Shreddit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The gym teacher gets a handgun, the janitor gets a shot gun, and the principal gets an uzi. What do they arm the lunch lady with?

A salt rifle

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

Came out of the gym the other day and a cop asked me how I got that body.

I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was."

What did Bulbasaur tell Ivysaur when they left the gym?

Bulba, sore.

Finally I am the hottest guy in my gym.

I have 102 °F fever.

What did the German gym goer say on leg day?

Gluten tag

There's a stack of dictionaries in my local gym.

That place is full of definition.

I saw an ad for a prison. Apparently they have the safest gym in the country.

There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.

I’v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what ‘s going on

So I went to the gym the other day and instantly lost 3kg!

So glad my gym has an in-house toilet.

Currently writing this as I’m sitting in my gym’s toilet. I’m here every other night, thank you.

My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much.

I'm fed up.

What do you call Wednesdays at the gym for pirates?

Peg day

What does David Bowie do after the gym?

Ch ch ch ch changes

A man sees two people engaged in a game of Chess at the gym

The man asks the two: “Why are you two here?”


One of them replies: “Those bodybuilders over there said it was Chess day”

Two integrals are working out at the gym

One says to the other 'I'm really going to push past my limits today'.

'Are you sure of that?'

'Well, I can't be definite'

I asked my gym teacher if it was normal to get an erection in the shower, and he said it was.

So then I asked him to at least stop rubbing it on my back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A white man and a black man are using the showers at a local gym...

The white guy says to the black guy “hey I wish my dick looked like that. What’s your secret?” The black guy decides he’s gonna take this opportunity to mess with him and says “all you gotta do is tie a rock to it and hang it off the side of your bed at night”. The white guy thanks him and goes home...

Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me.

Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.

A man walks into a gym

He walks up to the owner and says, “Hey! What are all these lines for?

The owner replies, “Oh, these are the lines to the different activities”
“That’s the kick line, that’s the weightlifting line, that’s the squat line, that’s the-“
The owner paused, looking worried.

The mans sa...

A mermaid finally got off the couch and hit the gym once she found a dolphin physical trainer.

She moved with a porpoise.

r/fitness is just like the gym.

Everyone subscribes, but no one actually spends any time there.

"This trampoline is for men only."

-mysogymnast

Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym

+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There were two men in the gym showers

One was average build and the other was very large. The average build guy says, "Damn man, when's the last time you saw your dick?" The large man says, "I don't know, it's been a while." Average build guy says, "why don't you try to diet?" The Big guy says, "why? What color is it now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.

after 9 months of procrastination, of psyching myself up and never following through, last night i finally went to the gym

to cancel that damned membership.

Pick up line for a one-armed gym rat.

I go two tickets to the gun show, you want the extra?

I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.

Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out.

Why does Chris Hemsworth make a point of stretching after every gym session?

Because when you train hard, you get Thor!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know what Donald Trump's favorite gym exercise is?

It isnt the snatch and grab, it's the grab a snatch.

Why do uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even lyft.