A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped b...

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

Homecomeback

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward f...

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 5 years in a row now.

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

Decided to go to the gym.

I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in...


Anyway, she's made a formal complaint, and I'm now banned for life.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

It's a little fit bunny...

How did the T-rex feel after his first trip to the gym?

He felt Dino-sore

I stopped going to the gym and started drinking instead.

I call it Bacardio.

How do you get to the gym at Hogwarts?

Find the dumbbell door.

Why do some couples go to the gym?

Because they want their relationship to work out.

What does a pirate do before working out at the gym?

Changes in Davy Jones's locker room.

Gym

A guy in the gym just proposed to his girl and she said no.

I guess that didn't work out.

What happened to the couple who were going to get married in a gym?

It didn't workout

I was standing outside the gym...

And there was a billboard that said: "OPEN 24/7!"

"That's not very helpful," I told myself. "July is ages away."

###

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

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A man walked up to me in the gym.

"Hey," he said, leaning into my ear, "what's your secret?"

"I shit with the door open," I replied.

My friend has been going to the gym because people kept calling him "fat" and "ugly".

Now they just call him "ugly".

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A bodybuilder takes public transport to work..

Bus conductor ask him to buy a ticket

Bodybuilder "I never buy ticket!"

Bus conductor was a thin fella so he couldn't argue much with him.

Next day Bodybuilder again takes the same Bus to work.

Same story he again denies to buy the ticket.

Conductor was very frust...

I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit.

It was downhill from there.

Calling your wife a “cow” won’t encourage her to lose weight.

Heifer go to the gym

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I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class.

When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

Two men meet at the gym

Two men meet at the gym to work out, they haven’t been able to since COVID. Afterwards they’re in the locker room changing when one of them looks over and notices his friend putting on women’s underwear. Since when do you wear women’s underwear, he asked? Since my wife found them in the glove compar...

Some people go to therapy but I just go to the gym.

Benching is a great way to get stuff off your chest.

I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough

I've handed in my too weak notice

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I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead.

“Why?” she asked. “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”

“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

They ask me why I workout two times everyday

The answer is simple, I work out in the gym and then again when I get home, then they ask me “what’s at home?” And I answer “My Wife”.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

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A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher ask...

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

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(A little long) There was a man who had just been booked into prison for the first time and was visibly nervous

A veteran inmate who has been there a while saw the newbie and went over and said “Hey, I can tell you’re new here and you’re nervous but prison is alright.”


The newbie responded “yeah?”


“Of course,” responded the vet. “Like for example do you like golfing?”


The new...

I heard Tiger Woods has been hitting the gym lately

Been crushing legs

I was at the gym yesterday, and I asked the Personal Trainer if they could teach me how to do the splits. 'How flexible are you?' they asked...

...I said 'well, I can do any day apart from Tuesdays and Fridays'.

I did 100 crunches at the gym today...

But they threw me out because I was getting crumbs everywhere!

What did the religious zealots call their gym?

Jehovah's Fitness

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

My first time in the gym went really well!

I did 20 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes on the defibrillator and 3 days in hospital!

Someone died at the gym and i was there to help carry the body

It was the lightest deadlift I've ever done.

I'm thinking of joining a gym.

I'm keeping mentally active.

The best way to get a six pack at the gym

is to take the beer from your fridge and smuggle it in.

I invited my girlfriend to the gym

She didn't turn up guess we are not working out

Homeless man tells the tale

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I ...

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Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

My gym membership costs $120 a year.

That’s pretty steep considering it’s $60 a visit

I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment.

Hopefully it works out in my favor.

I joined the local gym’s swim class

Only to find out that breast stroke was not what I thought it would be.

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

My standup routine didn't go down very well at the local gym.

Tough crowd.

A hole was found in wall of the women's changing room at the gym

The police say they are looking into it

I'm starting a new business tomorrow.

It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.

I'm calling it, "Resolutions."

Went to the gym today...had a bad experience...

I was just doing my usual routine ... which is just like 700 kilo pull downs and 780 Kilo squats and 1000 kilo shoulder presses...and then I got really annoyed because a chicken was running around the gym ....and then I went to the owner of the gym and I said “why is there a chicken in here?! I’m tr...

The gyms must remain open

The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press

How do you know if your love interest is into you?

Invite them to the gym. If they show up...



...then you know you're working out.

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I got home from the gym and my girlfriend yelled, "Are you having sex behind my back?"

I said, ‘Yes, who the hell did you think it was behind you?’”

It was a real pain canceling my gym membership.

They made me hand in a too weak notice.

Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb

What's the difference between garbage and a home gym's weights during the COVID quarantine?

The garbage gets picked up once a week.

I always skip the gym the first week of the new year

I can’t deal with the crowds.

I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

You know, I would've gone to the gym today.

It just didn't work out though.

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A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says...

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Little Johnny comes home and tells his father:

“Dad, my Math Teacher asked you to come talk to her”

Dad: “Why? What happened?”

Little Johnny: “The teacher asked me what 2x3 is and I said 6”

Dad: “But that’s correct”

Little Johnny: “Well, next she asked me what’s 3x2”

Dad: “But that’s the same shit, just bac...

What’s the best gift you can give to a gym addict?

A mirror!

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym

Because no one can spot him

I saw a dude ordering an Uber as he left the gym

so I asked him, "Do you even Lyft, bro?"

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her New Year's resolution was

She replied, "to get people on reddit to quit repeating the same stupid joke."

Posh dad Joke: Every week I’d have a shoe stolen after gym

Like, could be a school shoe or a trainer or a rugby boot. Every week I had one stolen. It would be returned the next day or be at lost property but every week I lost a shoe.

After weeks of this happening I told my dad. He looked me in the eye and said “every week, you have a shoe stolen. Are...

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

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A boss calls one of his male employees into the office

Boss: I want you to go into the bathroom and masturbate.
Employee: ...excuse me sir?
Boss: Do as I say. Now go.
5 minutes later, guy comes back a bit sweaty and relaxed.
Employee: Ok done sir.
Boss: very well. Now go and do it again.
Employee: what? Really?
Boss: Just go ...

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

I miss going to the gym but you know what

It’s been a huge weight off my shoulders.

What did Mr Velocity say to Mr Speed when he got back from the gym?

You're an absolute unit

I was in the Gym today using this new machine they got, I could only manage an hour on it and after I was throwing up...

It's called the vending machine.

I started going to the new fish gym a few weeks ago

It has been all hunky dory so far.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on

I haven’t been to the gym in so long that

I have to call him James

What do Jewish men say to each other after a hard session at gym?

"Muscle tough"

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

I was looking for a gym one day, and I saw a sign saying "Fitness that way"

So, since this seemed promising, I went down the hall, and there were more signs. I went up the stairs, walked through the hall, went up two stairs, walked through two more halls, walked down three stairs, walked out of the building, walked around the building, went into the building, went up ten s...

What’s the name of Cardi B’s very much fitter gym focused sister?

Cardi O

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

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I walked into my gf..

..having sex with her gym trainer

I told her this isnt working out.

In her defense, she said it was her cheat day.

A fat man lost his weight

Now, the gym doesn’t trust him with the weights anymore

I won a medal at the gym for being most excitable during muscletraining

I'm really proud of my hyper-trophy

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Mos...

My friend and I opened a gym for ants.

He thinks the business is failing and quit this morning but I’m still working out the bugs.

Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights...

One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

The other says, "Why's that?"

The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

If I got a dollar for every time someone on Reddit advises me to go to the gym

I would actually go to the gym

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

Why did the fish go to the gym?

Because he needs to look more extra fin

Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they?

I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

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A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One ...

Bunch of guys walk into a changing room.

They’re talking and a phone starts to ring. One of the guys answers. The women on the phone says hi honey. Still at the gym with the guys. The guys says yah. How are you doing. The women says I’m doing really well. I saw the jacket I’ve been wanting for months is finally for sale. It only costs 150 ...

Benchpressing is the best gym exercise hands down.

Hands up
Hands down
Hands up
Hands down

I go to the gym religiously...

about twice a year around holidays.

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

Wood Eye

Johnny does pretty well for himself given his condition, he’s a senior in high school who’s always had to sort of ‘settle’ when it came to pulling babes. Recently he’s been stressing about the big school dance coming up because he still hasn’t found a date. He’s a decent looking guy with a good pers...

After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders

After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.

A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-

Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking so fit and young?'

Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day.
I drink 4-5 bottles of vodka daily,and I am a serious drug-addict.
And I hate doin...

I've been squatting at the gym.

I sleep in one of the lockers. So far I haven't been busted.

Yesterday, I wanted to tell a joke about gym but nobody laughed

Looks like it didn’t work out

My gym recently went bankrupt

Who's the quitter now?

When I have a son I'll name him Gym,

Just so I could say I hit the gym twice a day.

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