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Gym Jokes

Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym

Because no one can spot him

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough

I've handed in my too weak notice

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up..

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym

When she did not show up, I knew we weren’t going to workout.

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

After playing racquetball at the gym, two guys hit the shower and were getting changed...

and the first guy was putting on a bra. The second guy looked surprised and asked "How long have you been wearing a bra?" The first guy answers "Ever since my wife found it under the bed".

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

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A math teacher, a gym teacher, and a stoner die and arrive in heaven at the same time.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself.

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The...

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's really going on.

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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I walked in on my wife having sex with her gym trainer...

"This isnt working out" I exclaimed!!!

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To build up it's pecs.

(apologies in advance. I made this up).

When I canceled my gym membership,

I had to hand in my too weak notice

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A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

I've been hitting the gym for the last 3 hours.

Boy... my fist hurt. Barely made a dent.

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

The weather reporter at the crossfit gym was often mistaken for a physician.

People thought he was a meaty urologist.

Did you hear about the cow who spent all day every day in the gym?

It was pretty beefed up

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

Why don't witches get sweaty at the gym?

Because they wear moisture-Wiccan shirts.

What do you call an American bison who goes to the gym?

A buff fellow

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

What do you call it when a French person goes to the gym?

ResistOnce training

Why did the acid go to the Gym ?

To become buffer solution

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

What is an Emo Girl's favourite exercise at the gym?

Deadhangs.

My friend set me up with a blind date at the gym.

She didn't see us working out.

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

Both men and women are going to the gym to have the same thing.

A perfect female body.

Day 1 at the gym and I already lost 3 pounds!

Now it's time to get off the toilet and start my workout.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits

He replied, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make it on Tuesdays."

What did the priest do to the possessed gym teacher?

He exorcised.

What gym equipment do demons never use?

The exorcise bike.

Ba dum tiss.

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

I went to the gym this morning and hopped on the treadmill

People started giving me funny looks, though, so I decided I'd better jog instead.

What do you call a bird that hits the gym?

A jacked sparrow!

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

Going to the gym must be really paying off.

Everytime I leave the room I hear people say 'what an ass'.

I joined gym 8 months ago

But still didn't lose any weight, may be i need to go there and ask them what's wrong.

I’m like a ninja at the gym

Cause you’ll never see me there

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

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Why did the priest go to the gym?

For muscle mass.

I thought of this one in the shower this morning.

My gym instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.

Chatting at the gym…

While at the gym a good looking woman approached me and asked me, “ have you tried skipping?”
I replied, “like with a rope?” She replied,” no like skipping a meal. “

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

**... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.**

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

Some girls at my gym were saying I was related to Bruce Lee.

I had to politely let them know I wasn’t, and my name isn’t Ugg, either.

I said to my gym teacher

How often would I have to come in here to learn to do the splits. He said it depends how flexible are you? I said well I can’t do mondays.

My first time in the gym went really well!

I did 20 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes on the defibrillator and 3 days in hospital!

I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

If the corporate building for a company is called a headquarters, what do you call the gym?

Bodybuilding.

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

What does Bigfoot do at the gym?

Sasquats

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

I thought going to gym would be a good idea for a first date.

But when she didn’t show up, I could tell we weren’t going to work out.

Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

It's a little fit bunny...

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

Finally I am the hottest guy in my gym.

I have 102 °F fever.

There’s a gym in Hogwarts

It’s right through the dumbbell doors

There's a police officer at the gym I'm going to

I asked him to stand behind me on the track so I run faster

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I was about to do some bench press in the gym.

"Hey," I called to the nearest guy, "would you be able to spot me?"

He took one look and said, "Yes, from a fucking mile away."

I'm thinking of joining a gym.

I'm keeping mentally active.

The gym just sold me a lifetime membership for my unborn baby.

I hope it works out.

What do you call a Canadian gym?

A YMC, eh?

I ran into my ex at the gym. We ended up talking for so long we didn't even get to our routines for the day. It was just like old times.

We didn't work out.

I was standing outside the gym...

And there was a billboard that said: "OPEN 24/7!"

"That's not very helpful," I told myself. "July is ages away."

###

I was pulled over while driving home from the gym

The officer said " you've been swerving all over the road, have you had anything to drink?"
"Yes" I answered, "but only two light beers"
As he saw the two empty kegs in the back he said "those don't look like two light beers!"
I replied "perhaps you should work out, they're only about 16 ki...

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

My local gym costs $120 for an entire year

That’s $60 per visit, not a great deal.

Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

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Going to the gym for the new year

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that it's the new year I'm sick of all the gym rats bitching and moaning about all us newbies taking up space in their gyms," the guy complains to the bartender. "We didn't complain when they came to use our pubs in December."

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

Why did Satan build a gym in Hell?

To exercise the demons

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I’m going to the gym for leg day on Friday.

Then I have to be a pallbearer for my cousin on Saturday. This will be my first time trying to deadlift two days in a row.

I stopped going to the gym recently.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.

There’s a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

How did the T-rex feel after his first trip to the gym?

He felt Dino-sore

I've been squatting at the gym.

I sleep in one of the lockers. So far I haven't been busted.

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?

The ghosts are exercising themselves.

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

Google+ is the gym of social networking.

We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

At the gym

A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "Just one. I'm heading over to the gym soon. The guys are having a big pull ups competition tonight," the guy tells the bartender. "They really know how to pamper themselves."

My sister came home today and said "they have this great new machine at the gym.."

"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

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A man walked up to me in the gym.

"Hey," he said, leaning into my ear, "what's your secret?"

"I shit with the door open," I replied.

Decided to go to the gym.

I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in...


Anyway, she's made a formal complaint, and I'm now banned for life.

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