I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I broke up with my gym

We were just not working out

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, "Since when have you been wearing a girdle?"

Other guy says, "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car."

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

What's it called when a rapper goes to the gym for 20 minutes?

A Lil Pump.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

This man at the gym just proposed and she said no

Well, that didn't workout

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 10 years in a row now...

What do chickens work on in the gym?...

...Their pecks.

Why did the chicken go to the gym

He believed in survival of the fittest

I saw a guy at the gym propose to his girl and she said no.

That didn't workout.

Two Chameleons walk in a gym.

The first one says “Spot me, bro”

The second goes “Who said that?”

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

What did the christian say to the ladies at the gym?

Hallowed be thy gains

I should post a gym joke for Karma,

They really seem to work out.

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

I asked my blind date to meet me at the gym... but she never showed up :(

...guess the two of us are never gonna work out

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.

Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. It's good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

What did the group of monkeys say to the gym instructor?

Help us buffoons.

I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms

And they’ll all be open 11-3 daily

I have been hitting the gym recently.

I'm not getting fitter, but my hand is getting darn bloody.

At the gym

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)...I can't see you anymore...I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

​

Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

I asked my personal trainer which machine I should use at the gym to impress the ladies..

She looked me up and down and then said, "The ATM."

I was supposed to meet my tinder date for the first time at the gym...

But she didn’t show up.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

Why did satan open a gym?

So he could exercise his demons.

Today at the gym I found a hole in my trainer large enough to stuck my finger through.

She's pressing charges.

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

Renamed my bathroom

Now it called "The Gym" , and I can talk to my friends about how I've already been today.

I just signed up for a 12 month membership at a gym.

My bank called wondering if my credit card got stolen

I’ve been going to the local gym to get pumped.

Sorry, *Jim.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today

Talk about muscle mass

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

What do you call Elon Musk when he’s been to the gym a lot?

Muskular

I go to the gym religiously...

About 2 times a year around the holidays.

My new year’s resolution is to get my gym membership

Cancelled.

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships just don't work out.

I'm going to open a gym with power walking and door knocking classes.

I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.

In used to work out a lot in the gym

But I got sick of the long weights

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?

Dairy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

W...

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

A beautiful woman walks into a gym...

Two men inside are working out together when the first asks: "My goodness, that's got to be the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. What machine do i have to work on in order to get a girl like that?" The second replied: "Probably the ATM"

How come many couples don’t go to the gym together?

Because some relationships just don’t workout.

In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D.

That's how I got an A.

Why did the priest go to the gym?

Because he needed to exorcise!

...I'll see myself out.

At the gym

ME: Hey, can you spot me?

GUY: Sure, which machine?

ME: * gestures to vending machine *

Right over there.

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

2 Guys walk out of the gym together.

The first guy has a big bulge near his pocket. The second guy points at and and asks what it is.

"Tennis ball."

The second guy makes a face like he's thinking, and then says "Well I had tennis elbow once..."

I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My buddy with a lisp just blew my mind and gut with this joke; we were at the gym and he walks up and asks nonchalantly: “Is your butt thore?”

“Because I’ll be your Ass-guardian.”

Why do impatient people hate to go to the gym?

Because of the weights!

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

idk if this is a repost but my gym teacher taught me this one

Why did suzie fall off the swing?
Cuz she had no arms and legs.
Knock knock.
Whos there?
Not suzie.

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I ejaculated in my pants during gym class.

I am telling you because I feel it is important to acknowledge one's shortcummings.

My gym teacher was shouting at me like “Power comes from the legs! I know you can do it!”

It felt really bad as I was standing on a ledge on the 31st floor.

I overslept and didn’t go to the gym today

That’s 3 years in a row.....I’ll try again tomorrow

An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”

“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

Man goes to a gym

And asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress this reeally beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"


The trainer replied “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

What do you get when Ricegum goes to the gym?

Sorghum

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

I’v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what ‘s going on

This guy came up to me in the gym.

He said, hey...what's your secret?

I said, I poo with the door open

Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The gym teacher gets a handgun, the janitor gets a shot gun, and the principal gets an uzi. What do they arm the lunch lady with?

A salt rifle

What did Bulbasaur tell Ivysaur when they left the gym?

Bulba, sore.

Finally I am the hottest guy in my gym.

I have 102 °F fever.

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

What does David Bowie do after the gym?

Ch ch ch ch changes

Came out of the gym the other day and a cop asked me how I got that body.

I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was."

What happens when reddit hits the gym a lot?

Shreddit.

So I went to the gym the other day and instantly lost 3kg!

So glad my gym has an in-house toilet.

Currently writing this as I’m sitting in my gym’s toilet. I’m here every other night, thank you.

There's a stack of dictionaries in my local gym.

That place is full of definition.

What did the German gym goer say on leg day?

Gluten tag

What do you call Wednesdays at the gym for pirates?

Peg day

I saw an ad for a prison. Apparently they have the safest gym in the country.

There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.

My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much.

I'm fed up.

I asked my gym teacher if it was normal to get an erection in the shower, and he said it was.

So then I asked him to at least stop rubbing it on my back.

A man sees two people engaged in a game of Chess at the gym

The man asks the two: “Why are you two here?”


One of them replies: “Those bodybuilders over there said it was Chess day”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A white man and a black man are using the showers at a local gym...

The white guy says to the black guy “hey I wish my dick looked like that. What’s your secret?” The black guy decides he’s gonna take this opportunity to mess with him and says “all you gotta do is tie a rock to it and hang it off the side of your bed at night”. The white guy thanks him and goes home...

Two integrals are working out at the gym

One says to the other 'I'm really going to push past my limits today'.

'Are you sure of that?'

'Well, I can't be definite'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

"This trampoline is for men only."

-mysogymnast