A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym

Because no one can spot him

The best way to get a six pack at the gym

is to take the beer from your fridge and smuggle it in.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

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I got home from the gym and my girlfriend yelled, "Are you having sex behind my back?"

I said, ‘Yes, who the hell did you think it was behind you?’”

You know, I would've gone to the gym today.

It just didn't work out though.

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her biggest dream was

She replied "fuck you"

So I'm pretty excited today

Posh dad Joke: Every week I’d have a shoe stolen after gym

Like, could be a school shoe or a trainer or a rugby boot. Every week I had one stolen. It would be returned the next day or be at lost property but every week I lost a shoe.

After weeks of this happening I told my dad. He looked me in the eye and said “every week, you have a shoe stolen. Are...

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Going To A New Gym

A new gym is opening up and it sounds pretty good. Free membership, a personalized trainer, and they provide protection from COVID and other evil forces.

Let me know if anyone else has tried Jehovah's Fitness.

I invited my girlfriend to the gym

She didn't turn up guess we are not working out

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

What did Mr Velocity say to Mr Speed when he got back from the gym?

You're an absolute unit

It was a real pain canceling my gym membership.

They made me hand in a too weak notice.

Two long time friends meet at the gym.

After they finish working out they go into the locker room to shower and change clothes. One guy looks over and sees his friend putting on a thong and he says since when do you wear women’s underwear? The other guy says since my wife found them in the glove compartment.

I was looking for a gym one day, and I saw a sign saying "Fitness that way"

So, since this seemed promising, I went down the hall, and there were more signs. I went up the stairs, walked through the hall, went up two stairs, walked through two more halls, walked down three stairs, walked out of the building, walked around the building, went into the building, went up ten s...

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

What’s the best gift you can give to a gym addict?

A mirror!

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

I started going to the new fish gym a few weeks ago

It has been all hunky dory so far.

What do Jewish men say to each other after a hard session at gym?

"Muscle tough"

If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian both caught on fire in your gym and you only had ONE bucket of water.....

.... would you squat or deadlift first?

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

What’s the name of Cardi B’s very much fitter gym focused sister?

Cardi O

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

Guys I forgot to go to the gym today...

That makes 13 years in a row!

My friend and I opened a gym for ants.

He thinks the business is failing and quit this morning but I’m still working out the bugs.

Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights...

One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

The other says, "Why's that?"

The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."

I miss going to the gym but you know what

It’s been a huge weight off my shoulders.

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

I've been squatting at the gym.

I sleep in one of the lockers. So far I haven't been busted.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

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Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was

She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes.

Oh, and also fuck you.

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

If I got a dollar for every time someone on Reddit advises me to go to the gym

I would actually go to the gym

I go to the gym religiously...

about twice a year around holidays.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

Yesterday, I wanted to tell a joke about gym but nobody laughed

Looks like it didn’t work out

After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders

After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then i didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

Who says you can't lose weight by hitting the gym?

Last week I brought an annual membership. I lost 7 pounds ever since because I ran out of money to buy food.

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

What’s the most ironic gym phrase?

Skipping leg day.

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

When I have a son I'll name him Gym,

Just so I could say I hit the gym twice a day.

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

My gym recently went bankrupt

Who's the quitter now?

Two guys are chatting at the gym, and the first guy says to the second "what's that bulge in your pants?"

The second guy replies: "Tennis ball."

The first guy thinks about it for a second and says, "ouch. I had tennis elbow once."

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious

It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

Did you hear about the guy who died at the gym?

They had to deadlift him out.

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

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A guy is outraged after finding his wife having sex with her gym trainer and demands an explanation.

She replies "It was my cheat day."

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A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says...

Why don't some couple go to the gym

Because some relationships don't work out

Why doesn't the bell ring at the gym?

It's a dumb-bell.

Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even Lyft.

Two bros were chatting it up at the gym between sets.

1: hey bro, you won’t believe it.
2: what, bro?
1: someone stole all my protein powder
2: no whey!

I paid good money and joined a gym 6 months ago, and so far no results.

Tomorrow I am going down there personally to see what the hell is going on......

Why are there no haunted gyms?

All the ghosts have been exercised

I was doing well in gym class until we got to the skiing unit.

It was downhill from there.

Just found out that my gym teacher got arrested for selling drugs, and I was pretty shocked to hear the news

I had no idea he was a gym teacher

Jesus goes to the gym, What does he do?

CrossFit

I go to the gym to lose weight

You can say that I’m a mass murderer

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A guy is born with three testicles and spends his whole life feeling like a freak

Boys make fun of him in gym class, girls laugh at him. Finally, he can’t take it and goes to have one of them lopped off. The doctor takes one look and tells the guy no way, it’s too dangerous, might kill him or something, but he sends him to a shrink who might help out. This counselor or whatever h...

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They kicked me out of the gym because I was pissing in the shower....

I don't know you, but I always pee while taking a shit.

My brother and I are twins, we share a gym membership.

Every other week I don't go, the others he doesn't go. So far, noone noticed.

I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

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A boss calls one of his male employees into the office

Boss: I want you to go into the bathroom and masturbate.
Employee: ...excuse me sir?
Boss: Do as I say. Now go.
5 minutes later, guy comes back a bit sweaty and relaxed.
Employee: Ok done sir.
Boss: very well. Now go and do it again.
Employee: what? Really?
Boss: Just go ...

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My brother moved to Dublin to start up a gym for eunuchs...

Yeah, he called it "Cockless and Muscles".

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Two guys meet at the gym to play handball

They start changing, and one guy notices his friend is wearing a sexy black bra. He says, "When the hell did you start wearing that?"



The other guy says, "Right after my wife found it in my car."

A young man is uncomfortable with his body weight and therefore goes to the gym.

In front of it the man sees two queues. One of them seems to be a few people shorter so naturally he lines up there. As he reaches the end of the queue, a muscular MMA fighter rushes out of the building and hits the young man right where it hurts.

The young man gasps and crashes to the ground...

At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.

People gave me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

What do you call atoning for your sins by hitting the gym every day?

Ab solution

I don't like my job at the gym.

Time to turn in my too weak notice

The Gym..

I went to the gym and there's a new machine. I used it for an hour and ended up feeling sick.

Its good though, it does everything.

Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers ...

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.

My local gym costs $120 for an entire year

That’s $60 per visit, not a great deal.

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Little Johnny comes home and tells his father:

“Dad, my Math Teacher asked you to come talk to her”

Dad: “Why? What happened?”

Little Johnny: “The teacher asked me what 2x3 is and I said 6”

Dad: “But that’s correct”

Little Johnny: “Well, next she asked me what’s 3x2”

Dad: “But that’s the same shit, just bac...

A boxer walks into a gym...

It’s particularly crowded, and there are long lines of people waiting to use the equipment.

First, he waits in the pull-up bar line, and does 25 pull-ups.

Next, he waits in the weightlifting line, and does 50 bench presses.

After that, the boxer looks around for the punching ba...

After playing on the jungle gym for a few hours, a tired child walks into a bar.

He really should have looked where he was going.

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Today I asked out a girl at the gym

She told me gym is her boyfriend. I laughed and kept chatting with her. Then Jim kicked my fucking ass.

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Mos...

No progress since I joined the gym 5 months ago.

I'm going down there in person tomorrow and talk to the manager.

What do a gym rat and a heart have in common?

They both be pumpin iron 24/7

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

Did you hear about the gym for kids?

It’s called Gymmy Saville

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

Why do you never hear Cardi B at the gym?

Cause there it's called cardio

What do you call a French Gym Junkie who is scared of socialising?

Shia LaBeouf

A guy proposed to a woman in the gym but she said no :(

Well that didn't workout

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into my gf..

..having sex with her gym trainer

I told her this isnt working out.

In her defense, she said it was her cheat day.

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

I went to my gym last week and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in!

Anyway, she made a formal complaint and I’m banned for life

Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle.

"How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.

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