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List Of Jokes

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

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A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.


● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.


● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.


● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.


● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

A list of things that helicopters do in movies

1. explode
2.

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

I tried to make a comprehensive list of all the vampires in classical literature.

But I forgot to Count Dracula.

Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods

Number 7 will shock you

To-do list of the pink panther

To-do
To-do
Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo

List of the best jokes on this sub:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7nqa/list_of_the_best_jokes_on_this_sub/

A List of Things I Hate

1. Unoriginal jokes
2. Hypocrisy
3. Irony

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An infamous stud with a long list of conquests...

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop...

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

List of top 10.....

Natural numbers
1. 1
2. 2
3. 3
4. 4
5. 5
6. 6
7. 7
8. 8
9. 9
10. 10

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh.

No pun in ten did

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things

In the list of groundbreaking inventions

No one ever mentions shovels.

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

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I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

I once wrote down a list of puns.

There was a gathering of friends I was supposed to attend but before I went I wrote down a list of about 10 puns. The intentions of this list were try to get some old friends to laugh. When we all got together I started saying all of my puns hoping one of them would make someone someone laugh.
B...

List of Extremely Stupidly Funny Jokes

Comment the stupidest, funniest joke you know!

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh

No pun in ten did

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

List of cheesy jokes

How do you organize a space party- you planet

What do you call a cow with no legs- ground beef

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars- T Rex

What do you call an everyday potato- commentator

How do you put a baby alien to sleep- you rocket

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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What do you call a person who keeps list of all his sexual encounters

Anal-yst

I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

What do you call an inventory list of to-be-shredded media?

A shredsheet

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

Saw a list of the top ten card games

Uno is number one

What did the construction worker say about his list of construction jokes?

Sorry I'm still working on it.

I have compiled a list of the 10 worst things about my ADHD.

1.

A list of con-man jokes.

What?

You were expecting your money's worth?

Now begger off before I set Fred on you.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

I saw a list of the top ten jokes on r/Jokes

It was a great joke. I had to read it ten times, though.

My son’s dyslexic, and every year at Christmas, he gets all excited and writes his little list of all the presents he wants, and then he goes and sends it off to Satan.

Well, actually I send it off to Satan because he can’t spell.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

I'm making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland

The flag is a big plus

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I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gathered a list of ten puns yesterday.

And i wanted to see if any were reasonable. So i put them all to the test to see if they would pass.

No pun-in-ten-did.

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I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles

Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.

Whenever I go out on dates, I don't take my girlfriend to my list of very special places.

I reserve those to my friends and my wife.

ICE provided us a list of all the undocumented immigrants in our neighborhood

[removed]

What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

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I was asked to come up with a list of 10 sexual innuendo...

But I accidentally came up with 11, so I had to rub one out.

A bear prepares a list of all the animals he's planning to eat.

All the animals find out about the list and are extremely frightened. The deer walks up to the bear and asks "Bear, am I on your list?"
"Of course you are." Replies the bear.
"Can you do me just one favor and let me live another day so that I can say goodbye to all my loved ones?"
The...

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

The Pink Panther made a list of things he had to do, and it was called...

To do, to do, to do to do to do, to do, to dooooooo...

I've made a list of seven notes on how to get to the front page

If you follow the first 6 it will get you a few hundred upvotes but with Note 7 it will blow up

Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

Have you ever seen…

…a barn dance?
…a fire escape?

Please help. When I was a kid I had a large joke book that I loved to read over and over. One page had a pretty long list of this type of joke (where the end could be read as a “noun verb” instead of a “noun”). Now that book is long...

I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

The first rule is that any numbered list of rules will lead to a Fight Club reference.

The second rule is that any numbered list of rules will lead to a Fight Club reference.

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

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