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Chainsaw Jokes

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

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What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?

They both fuck up trees

I bought a chainsaw 10 years ago

it stihl works

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down ...

What is the fear of chainsaws called?

Common sense

You know what I love about Chainsaw Man

He really got that dog in him.

There's a new chainsaw coming out soon.

I hear that it's cutting edge technology.

My brother was recently involved in a chainsaw accident.

Now, my only remaining family is my two half brothers.

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I started my girlfriend up like a chainsaw last night.

But, now she's mad at me because, evidently, you're supposed to remove anal beads SLOWLY!

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A Finnish salesman comes to Russia to sell chainsaws to local lumberjacks.

“With this saw a good lumberjack can cut down 40 trees an hour and not even get tired” says the salesman.

The lumberjacks, thinking that sounds pretty good, place an order for 50 chainsaws.

At first they are delighted but then the miracle wears off as they notice the Finnish salesman...

I recently bought chainsaw resistant clothes...

They were really expensive but hey at least they didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

What's the name for a phobia of chainsaws?

Common sense

(my 9-year-old just came and shared that gem with me)

Chainsaw

One day, a chainsaw salesman goes out into the middle of a very rural community, somewhere in the middle of Russia.

He spots a potential customer, and asks him to buy a chainsaw.

"Hey, sir! Would I be able to interest you in a chainsaw? That handsaw you are using will be left in the d...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

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An Irishman buys a chainsaw...

Paddy goes to the tool store to buy a chainsaw.

The storekeeper says " this model will cut 60 trees a day".

"Fine," says Paddy, I'll take it now".

The next day, Paddy returns to the store. "You said this chainsaw would cut 60 trees a day, I'm only able to cut 40?"

The st...

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Why is a chainsaw and a vagina similar?

Miss by a few inches and you are in deep shit

What do you call a meth-addicted bear with a chainsaw?

*TERRIFYING*

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What is the similarity between women's panties and a chainsaw?

If you make a bad move your fingers are in deep shit

Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

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Chainsaw

A redneck had a field with 500 trees and decides to cut everything to make a golf course.

Then he decides to go to the city and buy a chainsaw. There's one with an ad that says, "cuts down 500 trees in one day."

He bought it, went home and said:

*- I'll start cutting all the tre...

A blonde buys a chainsaw

A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that sais "Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day" on the box.
"Great" she thinks "I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!"


Three days later returns...

An Irishman buys a chainsaw...

He brings it home & starts chopping up the wood in his backyard.


He finds it really difficult & hard going, only managing to cut a few pieces of wood in 2 hours.
Convinced there is something wrong with it, he returns it to the hardware store.


At the store, the ...

What do you call a phobia of a clown wielding a chainsaw running straight at you?

Common sense

An Irish lumberjack goes shopping

He goes up to the clerk of the lumberjack store and asks for a saw. The clerk goes to the back of the store and returns with a large chainsaw. After payment is resolved, the clerk claims that the chainsaw will cut down over 20 trees everyday. The clerk and lumberjack share a laugh, and the lumberjac...

A woman on her period is like a chainsaw

yank on the string and she'll make alot of noise

"This chainsaw has three settings," my neighbour said, revving it. "And this one is the quietest of them all."



"You should try it on max," I replied.



He didn't like that. Max is his favourite child.

I have two half brothers

and a chainsaw.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?

You can tune a chainsaw.

I will never understand why my neighbors complain about my chainsaw waking them up at 2am.

It's a chainSAW not a chainHEARD.

What is black and white and red all over

2 nuns in a chainsaw fight

Steve got a job as a lumberjack...

and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. "here you go. now get to it."

Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.

"How many did you get?", he asks.

"One", Steve answers.

"wait, how is that possible? I need you to cut down at least 10...

A guy accidentally cut himself with a chainsaw

He'll Stihl be feeling that in the morning.

My wife ran inside terrified after throwing rocks and cursing at the people walking towards our house wielding chainsaws this morning...

Can anyone recommend another gardening company?

For the nursery, my wife and I went for a rainforest theme.

I hope our little guy likes the sound of chainsaws.

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be some...

"Look Ma, no hands!"

"Well, didn't I warn you about playing with the chainsaw?"

I have a half brother.

From mother or father?
No, chainsaws.

The employees at Lowe's will ignore you for a full 25 minutes...

... until you start a chainsaw.

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Why are black people afraid of chainsaws

because they're dangerous

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

The lumberjack

Delbert lands his dream job. He gets hired on as a logger. On his first day, the boss man takes him out into the woods, gives him his chainsaw, and says "Usually, our guys can cut down about 100 trees a day. Its your first day, so I'll understand if you're a bit short. Now get to it."

And wit...

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

One morning a guy tells his wife that he is going to chop down 20 trees...

One morning a guy wakes up and tells his wife that he is going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and that he will be done by suppertime. He works and works all day long, but can only chop down two trees. He is so tired that when he comes in for supper he goes right to sleep without eati...

One day, a man was relaxing in his house and heard a noise.

It was coming from his neighbor's house so he went over, knocked on the door and when his neighbor came to the door he said "What's all that noise? It sounds like a chainsaw is cutting a plate!" And his neighbor said "Well I can't tell you. You aren't a Jedi."
"How do I become a Jedi?" asked the ...

A man walks into a hardware store

A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says.

The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard ...

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A joke about explorers.

Three men are exploring the jungle and are quickly caught by natives. The leader of the natives asks the first explorer:
“What do you do for a living?”
He replies “Im a butcher”
The natives drop down his pants and cut off his dick with a cleaver.
The leader asks the second one the same q...

Bought the 'Sounds of the Rainforest cd,

not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers.

A blonde had just started a job felling trees for a local contractor

When the day was over the contractor visited to see she'd only chopped down one tree. The contractor asked the blonde what was wrong.
"This saws no good boss, I worked all day but could only do one tree."
"Let me take a look"
Says the contractor as he starts up the chainsaw.
The blonde ...

Two guys are cutting down trees

Two guys are cutting down trees. The guy cuts down 3 trees and is tired. After work he meets his friend and asks him: "How many trees did you cut down?"
His friend says: "Around 20."
He can't believe so he asks: "How could you possibly cut down 20 trees?"

"Well, it's nothing special. Yo...

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

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Old Farmer On His Death Bed

An old farmer was lying on his death bed, his doting, loyal wife by his side, holding his hand.

"You've always been there for me. Remember when we were courting, my car's handbrake failed and I broke my leg? You were there.

"And remember when I sliced off three of my fingers with the ...

What is big, vibrates and makes a woman scream when put inside her?

A chainsaw.

Sawing Wood

So a gentleman walks into a Sears store to buy a saw. The store employee recommends to the customer a smal entry level chainsaw insisting that it will make the man's job much easier. The customer is reluctant at first but upon being assured that anyone can use a chainsaw he decides to make the pur...

A forest was in the process of being cut down

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the forest on what they could do to save the forest.

The wise tree thought about it and said
perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away. The bears snarled and charged the...

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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter wha...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

Tree fellers.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are starting their new jobs as lumberjacks. Each are given a chainsaw and are told to record how many trees they cut down each day.

At the end of the first day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was way behind on 10. Their boss...

Paddy needed a job

Shawn said why not try a lumber jack?
So off he went to the forman.
Paddy he says if you can do 100 trees a day , you're hired.
Off Paddy went, only 10 trees the 1st day.
Forman says, now Paddy, i have guys who can do 100 without breaking a sweat.
Paddy forgoes breakfast and lunch but...

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn't make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child "Life". Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

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At the logging camp...

A Newfie goes to northern Ontario to work in a logging camp. His first day, the foreman gives him a chainsaw and sends out to cut trees. He comes back at the end of the shift and the foreman asks him how it went.

“Jeeze, dat was hard work, but I did cut down two trees.”

The foreman say...

The New Lumberjack

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.

...

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

St. Peter comes to Hell for his annual visit

Immediately, he realizes that something is really wrong. There is more blood than usual, he sees dead devils everywhere... After a while, he finds Satan hiding under his throne of flames.

"What happened to your realm? Why do you have such a mess everywhere?" asks St. Peter.

"Just two d...

.

An Irishman was walking home when he saw a sign offering employment, he quickly ran home to tell his two brothers, as they were all looking for jobs.

'Quick lads, I've found a place that'll take us all on' he told them.

They made their way back to the place where he'd seen the sign and...

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My Dad used to tell this Joke: The Three Boys

There once were three boys who were always told to never go into a big shack on the edge of the woods, so they did what most boys would do and went to it as soon as they could. They go inside and see only useless so junk they turn around to leave when they see the door close and a large man stand in...

There's no fish there!

It was my day off, so I figured I'd do something I haven't done in awhile and go ice fishing. I gathered up all of my gear, and after wandering around for an hour or so I came across a likely looking patch of ice.

I set up my little tent, and was just about to fire up the chainsaw to carve a...

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