Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

If you donate a kidney

everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.

But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called – sheesh.

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

Donating Kidneys

So a man donates a kidney a gets praised,

But I donate 5 kidneys and get arrested?

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.

Now I have two adult knees.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

An old family joke.

A couple have a baby boy. He learned to speak at an early age, and was quickly learning the names of body parts.

The child's grandfather is playing with him, asking him to identify parts of the body.

"Where is your mouth?" The child would touch his lips. "Where is your foot?". The c...

What's the difference between the heart and the kidneys?

Please just answer. The nurses are looking at me like I'm crazy and my phone's almost out of battery.

Humans are born with four kidneys.

##

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery to honor her, I poured a fine 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to cook kidneys.

Put 'em in a pot and boil the piss out of them.

People like planting plants

But I like to plant kidneys

I told my son I have his knees

I told him he will get his kidneys when he’s older.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A slight variation of an old joke

One day a man who had just gone through a very bitter divorce was walking on the beach. He notices something glittering in the sand and digs it out and holds it up. It appeared to be a gold, antique teapot. He rubbed it with his sleeve to brush the sand off and suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie a...

It has been 30 years

Yet my kidneys haven't grown into adultneys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole my friend's kidneys one night

he'd be pissed, but he can't

CNN BREAKING NEWS:

Anonymous hero donates hospital 200 human kidneys.

What is something that the more you donate, the more uncomfortable people feel about it.

Kidneys

Thought I would never find true love until a Chinese woman stole my heart,

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

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