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Marker Jokes

What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument?

A fine point.

A marker cut me the other day

It was sharpie

Teacher joke: Why was the whiteboard marker always so angry?

Because he was irascible.

What'd you call a marker that smokes weed?

A highlighter

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

In Colorado they took down the mile marker for 420

In Colorado they took down the mile marker sign for 420
They were afraid that the potheads were going to try and steal it.
They replaced it with a mile marker 419.9999 repeating sign
Well this caused the sign to get stolen by the MATH nerds,
who also swiftly stole the cosine and...

My friend has this weird habit of walking into a party and writing his name on the wall with a marker.

That’s ….his signature move.

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

I asked the blonde nurse why she had a red magic marker.

She said it’s easier to draw blood with it.

At work today I brought my team new markers, crafting paper, decks of cards, and snacks

They didn’t know I was coming, so I jumped out and yelled SUPPLIES!!

(We work in Children’s mental health and everyone got a kick out of it)

What marker is only sold in shady areas?

Mr. Sketch.

I saw this guy scribbling on a poor dog with a marker pen.

It was a Sharpei.

I'm so afraid of committment ...

I never buy a permanent marker

Next time I hit the club, I'm coloring myself head to toe with a permanent marker, and that's all I'll wear.

Because every girl's crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

It's year 2540..

A student notices something off about his textbook, "how come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?" The teacher puts his air marker down on the table, lowers his head, and sighs. "Because...." he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, "....only 90's kids remember the 90's"

When is the best occasion to wear a gravestone marker hat?

When your hair is dyed

Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker?

He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...

When I was in high school I wrote a love letter to my teacher, and she shot me down.

But she also corrected the spelling and wrote “See me” in red marker at the bottom. Very mixed signals.

I am going to use black and blue markers

because y'all are going to feel beaten up after this section.

~My Math Professor

I was called to school because my 9 year old son vandalized a wall in school's bathroom with a permanent marker again

That's where he drew the line

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Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such

Professor: So what planes did we have du...

A boy goes to Walmart to get a sign and some markers to ask his date out to Prom

So the boy goes to Walmart to get a sign with markers, to ask her out. At checkout, the line is long, so he waits and says to himself "This is for my date."

So the girl gladly accepts and when they arrive at Prom, there is a long line into the building. Again, to himself, he says "This is fo...

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.

I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.

I like to make my presents felt.

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Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no bi...

2 newfies go fishing

So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.

The guy in the front says to his buddy:

" This is a great spot, we should mark it"

So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X...

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

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A Japanese, a German and a Chinese are sitting on a park bench

they start to talk and gets an urge to brag.
First the Japanese takes a pen out of his pocket and dismantles it, then shows it's body and says 'We made this'
the German takes out refill and says 'We made this'
the Chinese takes them and reassembles them, then takes a small marker and writes...

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Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son: "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"

Dad: Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker. "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December, then points. "That right there, that i...

I spotted an albino dalmatian today.

He wasn't a fan of the marker.

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all join a tournament.

They are allowed to bring any weapon they choose, and the only rule is that the first person to draw blood wins.

The brunette walks in with a badass double edged axe,

the redhead walks in with a huge longsword,

and the blonde shows up with a red marker.

I always give 100%

Which is why I was sacked from being an exam marker.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway...

After they pass mile marker 16, a state trooper pulls them over for speeding. The trooper goes up to the window and sees Heisenberg behind the wheel.

Trooper: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going when you passed that mile marker?"
Heisenberg: "Well I certainly don't know now ...

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Bobby loved board games.

His collection of board games was massive, he had games from the 40's, 50's, 60's up to today. But one day, the neighborhood bully came over and saw Bobby playing and took all of Bobby's player pieces and broke them, all the Monopoly tokens, all the Battleship ships, all the markers for Sorry!, etc....

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Curtis

So, imagine a guy named Curtis. Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent.

One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can.

Every time you did someone a...

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

how do you study for a DNA test?

highlight the answers with a genetic marker

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A school hires a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On her first day, the principal decides to sit in the class and observe, and he sits down next to Little Johnny. The teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Midway through the sentence she drops the marker and bends down to pick it up. As she straightens and finishes the sentence she asks...

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

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[NSFW] A boy asked his dad what the C word stood for.

Boy, "Dad, what's a cunt?"

The dad replied, "Grab that marker over there and follow me."

He then went into his bedroom and grabbed a nude picture of his ex-girlfriend out of his dresser. He showed his son the picture and circled the woman's crotch.

The dad said "You see that ...

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Daycare is a lot like a frat house...

There's kids passed out in their clothes everywhere, it smells like piss and vomit, there's kids with magic marker all over their faces, and the girls walk around lifting their shirts up.

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

Surprise mother f*

A professor was about to begin his lecture and was writing something on the board, then someone whistles, so he asks, 'who did it', but no one answered.

So he continued the lecture then hears the whistle again. So he asks, 'who was it' and again no one answers.

So he packeshis notes a...

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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

Engineer Expenses

A maintenance man was tasked to fix a complex machine that had gone down. He tries for days to fix the machine, but cannot find the root of the issue. After trying for so long, he goes back to his boss.



"Boss, I think we need to call an engineer."



"Fine. Just make ...

The Legend of Curtis

So imagine a dude named Curtis. Curtis had a marker, and a billion sheets of paper. On each of the sheets, he drew the letter E as big as he can fit it into the page. When he finished, he scattered each and every one of those pages all over Earth. They’re pretty much everywhere, there may even be on...

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A 3rd grade teacher...

Prepares her 9 year olds for a writing class.

Teacher: “class we will be learning how to write without lifting your pencil off the paper!”

Little Johnny: “I know how to do that!”

Teacher: “You know how to write without lifting off the page!”

Little Johnny : “Yes ma’am t...

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A boy is at school...

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and sa...

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A guy heads to the doctors office

It’s been a few years since he’s been in, so he decides to get a physical with blood work and labs.

He checks in with the same receptionist that was there years ago, and gets called in to see the doctor, who remembers him.

The doctor asks, “How have you been Pete?”

Pete replie...

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Two words...

Little Jimmy comes home from school, and his mother is in the kitchen. He says "Mommy, I heard some words today on the playground and I didn't know what they meant. Can you tell me what they mean?"

His mother says "Sure, what words were they?"

Jimmy says "Well, first I heard one of the...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

The Sleeping Scotsman

A Scotsman decides one day he'd pass the time by walking the countryside. After a couple of hours, he comes to the top of a hill and sees a road down below him.


"I don't remember there being a road here. I must be more lost than I thought!"


Before trying to trek his way back ...

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Washing cars

One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. "Wow," he thought to himself, "that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minut...

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