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Kill You Jokes

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you

You have my Word

What doesn't kill you...

...mutates and tries again.

Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.

What doesn't kill you

cripples you with medical debt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two butts and can kill you?

An Assassin

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

I read earlier that the person who is most likely to kill you, is yourself

But not if I kill him first

My girlfriend just told me, “If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!”

I said, “I guess..it’s a matter of wife or death.”

Everyone makes the joke over here "everything in Australia can kill you". You know what probably won't kill you in Australia?

An assault rifle

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

But nothing has killed me yet and I seem only to get older and fatter

What’s big and white and will kill you if it lands on you after falling from a tree?

My fat sister who likes climbing trees

”What doesn’t kill you, makes you smaller.”

-Mario

If trees could kill you

They wood

Murderer: I’m gonna kill you

Me:what’s the catch

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

They say red meat will kill you

I'm pretty sure green meat will kill you a lot faster.

If I find out who stole my copy of MS Office, I'll kill you...

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office...

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

Judge : why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage

husband : because of procrastination, every day I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow

What is it called when you kill your best friends?

Homie-cide

What's long, black, and will kill you if you cut it?

The line at KFC.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Except, of course, Muscular Dystrophy.

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

How many buzzfeed writers does it take to kill you?

13 but #9 will make you die of laughter!

What's something that will only kill you if you kick it?

The bucket.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Too much of anything can kill you

When I was 10, our teacher made a bold claim..."An unlimited amount of anything can kill you".
Some of my classmates seemed astounded.
"What about food?" they asked.
She replied, "If you eat too much food, you'll become fat and have many health problems, eventually your heart will stop a...

If I tell you I have to kill you

A man goes with his wife to a magic show, after the magician preform an amazing trick the man shout "Bravo! Please tell him how you did it" the magician answer "if I tell you I have to kill you"
So the man said "so tell my wife".

"I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you."

And that was how I lost my job as a hostage negotiator on the first day.

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