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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

Somewhere over the Alps...

A strictly vegetarian airliner crashes during a storm. A large portion of the passengers and crew receive serious brain damage, while a few are mostly unharmed. With so little food on-board, these few are given a choice: Eat the others, or do the morally correct thing and try to survive on what they...

Three spies, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were captured in the alps and sentenced to death by firing squad.

First they brought out the brunette and stood them against the wall.

"Ready," called the sergeant, "aim..."

"Avalanche!" yelled the brunette.

As the soldiers ran for cover the brunette escaped.

Next they brought out the redhead and stood them against the wall.

"Rea...

3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed

In the morning the following conversation takes place.

Man on left: “I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.”

Man on right: “No way, I also had a dream about that as well!”

Man in middle: “That’s funny I had a dream I was skiing.”

Switzerland is arguably one of the best countries on the planet

The Alps are pretty cool, and the flag is a big plus.

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

It took Gandhi over a month to cross the Alps barefoot, no washing, worn out, and survived only on garlic. He was a...

Super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

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A German ugly man, a ravishing blonde and an ultra-hot brunette are sitting in a train on its way through the Alps.

The hotties are talking and at some point the man listens to this:

Blonde: "I heard Native Americans have not only nice dicks but they are also very long!"

Brunette "Yes, I've heard of that. The weird thing is that Polish men also have very nice penises but they are also very thick!"...

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An Englishman and a Frenchman are sitting opposite a beautiful young woman and her mother on a train going through the Alps

The train passes into a tunnel and the carriage is suddenly plunged into darkness. A short while later, everyone hears a loud *slap*, and a cry of *zut alors*! When the train emerges, the angry Frenchman is rubbing his cheek.

The older woman thinks: "That dirty Frenchman must have tried to to...

What do you call a podium that crossed the alps?

A Hannibal Lectern

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale"

Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog

"I have had a very full life" says the dog. "I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home...

In 218 BC Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants.

He got a mountain range that never forgets.

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Vacation in the alps

This is a translation/version of a joke from a Swedish movie. I take no credit in its creation.
A Swedish family of four is on vacation in the Austrian alps. The mother is in a gift-shop when her daughter bursts in.
>- Mom! Mom! Dad's in the hospital with a broken arm, a cracked rib and a b...

The E.E.P.A levies charges against Franck Riboud, CEO of Evian, for tapping into protected aquifers in the Swiss Alps.

I guess he's in haute water now!

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An American tourist is riding his mountain bike at breakneck speed down a narrow, twisting trail in the Swiss Alps

As he goes to pass a local woman tending to her farm animals in a small field, she turns and yells at him, "PIG!!!!"

The guy is a bit stunned, because the Swiss are usually polite and reserved. But he feels offended, and turns his head and yells back at her, "BITCH!!!"

As he rounds th...

Enjoying the views...

You: So..did you enjoy your trip to the Swiss Alps?

Me: Yes, it was amazing.

You: Did you enjoy the views?

Me: Mmm...No.

You: Why?

Me: The Mountains blocked the view.

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Two hikers are wandering in the Alps...

...and they have got lost so they have been wandering for hours without knowing which direction they go. The real problem is that they don't have any food anymore and they are starving. They are convinced that they are going to die if they won't find some sort of hut or a house in the mountains. Aft...

The Alpine Find

An archaeological dig team was on an expedition to the Alps when they discovered a mummified human buried in the ice. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a young male from the Neolithic period.

The team was split into two sections: Section One was to climb the slope and retrieve the mum...

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.

Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"

God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."

Three friends are on a road trip and stop at a motel for the night.

Three friends are on a road trip and stop at a motel for the night. The receptionist tells them there is only 1 room available with 1 bed in it.

The guys are exhausted and just decide to share the bed. In the morning, the one who slept on the left side of the bed says "I just had the best dr...

A violinist notices that he can't keep his violin in tune...

... so he asks the conductor of his orchestra to help. "Take it to Opporknockety," says the conductor. "He is a violin expert."

The violinist packs his things and makes the trek to the Swiss Alps where the expert lives. Sure enough, Opporknockety fixes the problem and the violin sounds great....

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Airplane

A plane is crossing the Alps with fifteen children and a priest when it starts to loose altitdue. The pilot turns on the autopilot and goes to speak to the priest

The pilot says "Excuse me Father, but the plane is going to crash"

The Priest responds and says "Oh my, what are we going ...

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