God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl on Alabama?

You don’t turn your back on the family

My girlfriend wanted to do doctor roleplaying.

I sat in the waiting room for about an hour while she saw two other patients who came in after me.

What to do with a sick chemist?

If you can't Helium, and you cant Curium, then you may as well Barium.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

This went on but eventually I folded.

What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

I was hooking up with a girl when I asked to do Disney themed role-play

She agreed, so I gave her a blue fairy costume and I got into my most comfortable lederhosen

After a bit of foreplay, I undressed and asked her to grant my wish of being a real man

Looking down at me she said “Your wish may be granted because I can see quite plainly that you’ve been te...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

I will have to do some research on fireworks

to know which one will give me bang for the buck.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

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I’m tired of trying to get mules to do work around my farm.

They always half-ass everything.

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A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....

I am never flying economy again.

I was in a taxi today. The driver said "I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do."

I said "turn left here."

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

A man brings his girlfriend to an apple tree grove to do some sightseeing on her birthday

But the girlfriend was clearly upset because...
.
.
.
That wasn't the apple watch she was expecting

‪After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him “what are you going to do now”‬ ‪

God said,‬ ‪“I think I’m going to call it a day.”‬

What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people on this sub haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. While he's drinking, some...

I can get almost all of my friends to do stupid stuff by simply saying, "YOLO"

It never seems to work with my Hindu friends though.

I’ll never forget the time I had to do PE in my underwear after forgetting my shorts.

It ended my teaching career there and then.

Three brothers want to do something great for their mother's birthday

All three men are wealthy as two of them are doctors and one is a lawyer.

The eldest son proclaimed that he'd buy a big new house for their mother to live in and did so.

The middle son proclaimed that he'd buy an expensive and fast new car for their mother and did so.

Then the y...

Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

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A Man wants to go on a fishing trip with his wife and dog, but his wife doesn’t want to go. He says you can either go on the trip, suck my dick, or take it in the butt. She doesn’t want to do any but decides to give him a BJ.

“This tastes like shit!” She says “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 friends go to do a job interview

Before the interview receptionist asks them for their basic details to fill in a form:

Reciptionist: Name?

First friend: Willy Ben Chen.

Receptionist: Sex?

First friend: 3 to 4 times a week.

Receptionist: *shakes* no, I mean male or female.

First friend:...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

What's the worst thing to do at a restaurant in Prague?

Split the Czech!

I just can't pronounce `Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn`, but I'm trying to do better -

I just signed up for an online course called `Hooked on Cthonics`

I asked my SO if he wanted to do 23 and me.

He said no.

Guess I better call the other 23 people back.

Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels

"you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers" said her mum

"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag"

Why did it take 17 years for the TV show Friends to do a reunion?

They were on a break.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

Are you smart enough to do this.

Say the opposite of these words.

Always.

Coming.

From.

Take.

Me.

Down.

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

I have a problem of hiring too many people for my business, and I finally decided to do something about it.

I am seeing three psychiatrists.

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

I used to do a lot of tap dancing

but I kept falling in the sink

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

76 years ago today, Adolf Hitler did what no one else was able to do

He killed Hitler.

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A man is walking home one night when a woman stops him and says, "twenty dollars." He had never been with a prostitute before, but he decided to do it.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

“What’s going on here?” asks a police officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man says.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Neither did I until you turned on that light."

What’s a pianist’s favourite thing to do?

Go Chopin

I caught my teenage son flying a kite during a thunderstorm, after I told him not to do it.

So I immediately grounded him.

Despite what his detractors say, Donald Trump accomplished what no other U.S. President was able to do.

He got himself impeached. TWICE.

So I went to do my driving test high on lsd

I passed with flying colors!

My boss told me to do the best figures I could

I don't know why he was angry at me for sleeping with his secretary - she had the best figure in the entire office.

Why is it so hard to do inventory in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape. They all walk in to the bedroom and they tell him they were thinking about painting it blue because there's a baby boy on the way. He walks to the window and yells "Green side up!" The couple look at one another a bit c...

I used to do drugs...

I mean, I still do, but I used to too.

Credit: Hitch Medberg

Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car crash, my wife has had to do everything for me.

Including wiping my ass, feeding me and all of the house work.

But still, we just thank god she survived the crash.

“To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.

"Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock...

... because communication is key

What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight?

Exorcise

How do you get someone to do something annoying 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked to do a 69

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face.

as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time.

with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 o...

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

For my first cake day I was just going to do a repost of someone else’s cake joke.

But then I thought....

Nah, I could do batter.

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to do unspeakable things with you...

Like playing charades!

I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked.

"Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."

I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house

Turns out he's pretty good at it! He did a great job of the the landing.

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him.

"To become a good pathologist you need t...

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

What did Brutus say when Caesar ask him to do something

I'll take a stab at it

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Dad shark is explaining to his son shark what to do when he comes across a human in the ocean.

"First you circle around him two times from the right side then another two times from the left.Then you circle around him three times from the right side then three times from the left.And after that you eat him".Now say it back to me."First you circle around him two times from the right side,one t...

My wife and I had this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

Finally I threw in the towel.

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

Guys if you and your pickles are in a toxic relationship, here's what to do

Try to talk it out, even if its HARD TO OPEN UP. then if things go SOUR, get rid of them. There, DILLemma solved

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my boyfriend asked me to do anal

You should have seen his face when I pulled out my strap-on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to do something for my community and open a shelter for 3-legged dogs

It’s called “Bitches be Trippin’”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

I wanted to do a joke on time travel...

But I'm too lazy, I'll do it yesterday

I was at the gym yesterday, and I asked the Personal Trainer if they could teach me how to do the splits. 'How flexible are you?' they asked...

...I said 'well, I can do any day apart from Tuesdays and Fridays'.

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

My Tounge during a dentist appointment is a lot like my life: I have no clue what to do with it

Original Joke

A girl wants to do a sleepover at her friend's house.

Her mom: you'll be sleeping in different rooms right?
Daughter: Mom! I'm 12.
Mother: and I'm 24

Where does Donald Trump like to do his shopping?

Traitor Joe's.


^(Gotcha!)

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do?

Alter boys

What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war?

You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western E...

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

My to-do list has gotten so long

I don't know what to do

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

I ask my wife if we could try to do it doggy style...

She rolled over and played dead

I heard they can do brain transplants now! I was all set to do it....

...but my local doctor changed my mind.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

I would hate to do a math joke on reddit

It would divide us

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?

"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."

Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition

They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.

Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had ...

2 guys are going on a safari trip to do some wildlife photography. They met up in the morning and surveyed each other's outfits...

They were both wearing the same sorts of khaki shorts and shirts, wide brimmed hats, but whilst one had the traditional hiking boots on his feet, the other had on a pair of track running shoes.

"Why are you wearing running shoes on a wildlife safari?"

"Y'know, in case a lion attacks u...

Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome...

Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

They like to surf the web!

My teacher assigned us to do an essay, and I said, “I hate essays!”

The Mexican kid in my class says, “Aye Holmes that’s racist!”

How many successful jumps do you need to do to join the parachute club?

All of them.

A mother decides to do something about her noisy children.

A mother is raising several children. The problem is, at least one of them is always being loud and the others want things quiet.

She has two rooms at the end of the hallway of her house; one on the left side and one on the right side. She decides to designate one room for being noisy, and th...

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Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

What's not possible for God to do right now?

Nutting

Club manager: Your last joke was so bad it put the audience to sleep. What do you plan to do about it?

Comedian: Copyright it and sell it as a cure for insomnia.

What job is easiest to do on-line?

Tightrope walking!

I kept falling over but didn’t know what to do. My friend told me to look on...

Trip Advisor

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and as...

A father wanted to do "the talk" with his oldest son

Father: son get of this internet and come have a chat with me

Son: can't it wait am in the middle of something

Father: no come now

Son: fine but make it quick

After 40 minutes talk.....

Son: well if that's everything i will go back to my game

Father: wow i l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

A kinky woman handcuffed me and said, "I always wanted to do this to you"

Then she took me to prison

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no.

He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.

I then thought.. I could actually win this.

My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

The first thing that I am going to do when I go back to work, is Hide.

Because a good worker is hard to find.

If you think of something you seriously wanted to do while inside of your camping shelter,

you're thinking in the tense in-tent intent tense

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

My French friends can get me to do anything. I'm highly susceptible to Pierre pressure.

I don't know what a "tua" is but, I think I could manage one.

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