Did you know that if you took all the fish caught in Canada in one year and laid them end-to-end …

…the smell would be absolutely atrocious.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

An Arabic man goes to visit his friend in Canada.

First they go out to lunch and the Arabic man orders “a Bebsi and a bizza”. His friend corrected him and said it was Pepsi and pizza.
The next day, they went to camp in the woods. The Arab goes to pee and comes running back.
“What happened?!” exclaimed his friend.
“I saw a pear!”

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?

Because she is still alive

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

Covid Christmas in Canada

You can get together with your family on Christmas and smoke weed and the only illegal part is getting together with your family.

Timezones are so weird like, it’s june 1 in Australia, May 31 in Canada

and still 1920 in America

I was up in Canada for vacation last year...

And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...

The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"


To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..." ...

I went to an all you can eat restaurant at a nudist colony in Canada

It was called In the Buffet

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

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After spending some time in Canada, I think I'm only attracted to Canadians now.

You could say I'm eh-sexual.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?

Just aboot

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Canada?

Kilometer-y Cyrus

In Canada, Moosehead is a beer.

In the USA it's a felony.

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

I love summer in Canada!

It's my favorite day of the year!

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

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What would you call a “cock-block” in Canada?

a beaver dam

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

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Why is the birthrate in Canada declining?

Because Canadian's are eh-sexual eh.

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

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I heard they have "bagged milk" in Canada

Where i'm from, we just call them breasts like everyone else.

What’s the most popular board game in Canada?

Sorry!

I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘!

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

An American guy was pulled over on a highway in Canada...

The cop said "Do you know how fast you were going?!"

The American guy said "I'm not sure why you're even pulling me over, but yes, I was doing 110 - just like the speed limit sign says."

Now that Marijuana is legal in Canada, I decided to get job in the industry.

So far it's a pretty kushy place to work.

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

A trucker in Canada...

Is driving in a winter storm. When he stops at a red light, a blonde lady jumps out of the car behind him, runs up to his truck, knocks on his window and says, "you are losing some of your load!"

He shakes his head and ignores her.

The same thing happens again at the next two lights.<...

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

If your in Canada and need the Canadian Police

Just have an argument without saying "Please", "Thank you", or "Sorry".


Sorry.

Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003.

One cow turns to the other and says, "we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd." The other cow looks towards him and says, "what are telling me for? I'm not a cow, I'm a duck!"

What's the difference between the types of Indians who live in Canada?

One type moves to Canada and opens up restaurants, the other type already have reservations.



:v

Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.

They took his advice and the an...

What grade does a good student get in Canada?

Eh+

Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada.

He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

Scottish man in canada

So a Scottish man with a stereotypical accent goes to canada and is riding on a train through the country. He then sees a moose out the window and starts FREAKING out. As the train crew notice his clamor, they quickly go to ask him what is wrong. He then asks, "What is that giant monster out there??...

What do you call a Mexican in Canada?

ACCOMPLISHED. They crossed two borders!

I Saw a Hockey Game in Canada...

It was a-moose-ing.

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Why is dangerous to have sex in canada

eh'ds everywhere

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

What do you call a Asian born in Canada

Ehsian

I noticed in Canada websites end in .ca, in the U.S. with .com.

I'm willing to wager that in Russia it ends with -cam.

The weather in Canada is like a dubstep

It's so nice and warm, but all of a sudden it it d-d-d-drops the tempº

What do you call a German living in Canada?

A leder hoser.

Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different.

At the end of each ad, they sang: "Make a run...for the border. And then the next border."

What was the internet speed in Canada in the 1990's?

56eh.

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A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews

"I'm sorry," the waiter replied. "We only have orange!"

When in Canada, what is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?

Carrot-eh

A nice couple was sitting on the porch of their vacation home on a river in Canada...

A nice couple was sitting on the porch of their vacation home on a river in Canada. The woman raises her gaze from the book she was reading and stated to her partner, "Did you hear that a family of beavers moved into a nice place just up stream." The man looks up from the publication he was reading,...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

He who lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned (Leviticus 20:13)

Fortunately both are legal in Canada.

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

You Americans may have the right to bare arms,

but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

After a few weeks of not feeling good, a man and his wife decided to go see a doctor.

During the conversation where the doctor was trying to find out what was wrong, he decided that the man should have a blood test

Wait, the wife said, isn't that really expensive, because we don't have that much money

No, the doctor said, healthcare is free in Canada

After a week...

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

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2 lumberjacks

2 foreigners want to immigrate to Canada. They go to the immigration office. First guy goes in and the immigration officer asks “alright you want to come into Canada, what do you do for work?”

The foreigner says “oh I a pilot, I a pilot “
Immigration officer goes “alright a pilot sounds g...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

There are 3 superheroes, The Fireball, Lady Aqua, and Tornado.

They all form a superhero trio, and try to stop villains from all over the world. They were all hanging at the SuperBase, when an emergency alarm went off.

The supervillain Master Garth is making their way to Paris, so that she can destroy the Eiffel Towel to be able to control all areas of E...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous

So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves:

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” He asked.

“No, I don't.” She replied.

“Well.” He spoofed. “There's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in...

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.

- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.

The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to ...

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

The aliens sent down a robot to earth.

The aliens claimed that this robot can catch thieves very fast!

They united nations sent the robot to Canada and in just a few seconds, the robot caught all the thieves in Canada.

Amazed, the united nations sent the robot to America.

The it the robot a bit longer but after 15 mi...

South of the border

You know what, I don't care what people say but south of the border there is the country with senseless violence, looting, drugs etc. that I would not dare to touch with a ten feet pole!
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I am so happy I live in Canada!

Two clowns are running for public office...

It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

I asked my Canadian friend what he thought was different between a Canadian and American education:

The education is much better in Canada because everyone gets straight EHs.

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