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In Canada Jokes

Americans In Canada

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up.

As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?”

To which the attendant answers, “Saska...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

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A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

Whats the scariest animal in Canada?

A Cari-BOO

A Scottish guy goes on holiday in Canada

He befriends a local at the bar. As they are stumbling home he sees a gigantic animal across the road. "Whats that?" he slurs.

"Oh that's just a moose."

"Och! If that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

American tourists in Canada

Two American tourists in Saskatchewan are arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town's name, so when they stop for a burger, the one asks the cashier, "Can you please tell us where we are, but say it slowly and clearly?"

The cashier says "B-u-r-g-e-r ... K-i-n-g"

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

You can't make statements in Canada.

But you can make provincements.

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

I love summer in Canada!

It's my favorite day of the year!

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

Covid Christmas in Canada

You can get together with your family on Christmas and smoke weed and the only illegal part is getting together with your family.

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?

Because she is still alive

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What's the worst thing about being a stripper in Canada?

Coins are painful when thrown at you.

I was up in Canada for vacation last year...

And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...

The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"


To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..." ...

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

In Canada, Moosehead is a beer.

In the USA it's a felony.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

Did you know that if you took all the fish caught in Canada in one year and laid them end-to-end …

…the smell would be absolutely atrocious.

A trucker in Canada...

Is driving in a winter storm. When he stops at a red light, a blonde lady jumps out of the car behind him, runs up to his truck, knocks on his window and says, "you are losing some of your load!"

He shakes his head and ignores her.

The same thing happens again at the next two lights.<...

Starbucks announced the closure of 200 stores in Canada.

Guess i'll have to cross the road now.

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Canada?

Kilometer-y Cyrus

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

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Why is the birthrate in Canada declining?

Because Canadian's are eh-sexual eh.

What's the most popular board game in Canada

Sorry.

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What would you call a “cock-block” in Canada?

a beaver dam

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I heard they have "bagged milk" in Canada

Where i'm from, we just call them breasts like everyone else.

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

Scottish man in canada

So a Scottish man with a stereotypical accent goes to canada and is riding on a train through the country. He then sees a moose out the window and starts FREAKING out. As the train crew notice his clamor, they quickly go to ask him what is wrong. He then asks, "What is that giant monster out there??...

I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘!

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?

Just aboot

I went to an all you can eat restaurant at a nudist colony in Canada

It was called In the Buffet

I love that marijuana is now legal in Canada.

It's really dope.

I Saw a Hockey Game in Canada...

It was a-moose-ing.

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

What grade does a good student get in Canada?

Eh+

An American guy was pulled over on a highway in Canada...

The cop said "Do you know how fast you were going?!"

The American guy said "I'm not sure why you're even pulling me over, but yes, I was doing 110 - just like the speed limit sign says."

If your in Canada and need the Canadian Police

Just have an argument without saying "Please", "Thank you", or "Sorry".


Sorry.

Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003.

One cow turns to the other and says, "we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd." The other cow looks towards him and says, "what are telling me for? I'm not a cow, I'm a duck!"

The weather in Canada is like a dubstep

It's so nice and warm, but all of a sudden it it d-d-d-drops the tempº

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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Why is dangerous to have sex in canada

eh'ds everywhere

What do you call a Mexican in Canada?

ACCOMPLISHED. They crossed two borders!

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

Now that Marijuana is legal in Canada, I decided to get job in the industry.

So far it's a pretty kushy place to work.

What do you call a Asian born in Canada

Ehsian

I joined a nudist colony in Canada.

To be honest, I'm starting to get cold feet.

I noticed in Canada websites end in .ca, in the U.S. with .com.

I'm willing to wager that in Russia it ends with -cam.

What do you call a German living in Canada?

A leder hoser.

What's the difference between the types of Indians who live in Canada?

One type moves to Canada and opens up restaurants, the other type already have reservations.



:v

What was the internet speed in Canada in the 1990's?

56eh.

Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada.

He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different.

At the end of each ad, they sang: "Make a run...for the border. And then the next border."

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

When in Canada, what is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?

Carrot-eh

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

A nice couple was sitting on the porch of their vacation home on a river in Canada...

A nice couple was sitting on the porch of their vacation home on a river in Canada. The woman raises her gaze from the book she was reading and stated to her partner, "Did you hear that a family of beavers moved into a nice place just up stream." The man looks up from the publication he was reading,...

Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.

They took his advice and the an...

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A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews

"I'm sorry," the waiter replied. "We only have orange!"

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