UPJOKE

Hold My Beer Jokes

So all the animals gathered and having a party,

Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time,
suddenly a chameleon get to the middle of the room, say "check this out" and start changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he done he say "Lets see any of you do the same".
Suddenly octopus appear from the crowd and sa...

Leonardo DiCaprio: "Hold my beer."

Leo's girlfriend: "But I'll get arrested."

tenet: hold my beer

inception: im the hardest movie to understand!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk guys are standing atop a tall building

While opening another beer, one guy says "It's crazy how windy it is up here!"
The other answers in slurred speach "Yeah, it's because of all the tall buildings here in the city center. This building is actually a special spot. There are such strong crosswinds here that you can actually jump of...

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

My best Cowboy Joke

A cowboy is hitching his horse in front of the saloon when a man storms out with a pistol. The cowboy walks into the bar, past a barfly with a half-empty drink, orders a beer and asks the barfly

“Who’s the guy who just stormed out looking for trouble?”

The barfly responds “Oh him? That...

At a party chameleon says

"Hey, guys, look what I can do", and changes his color to match the walls of the room. Everyone goes "Wow!" Then octopus comes up to him and says "Hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer."

Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

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Black Boxes in pickups

About 8 years ago, when the trend towards really large pickup trucks began, there was a major increase in accidents with pickups. At the urging of insurance companies, the three major car makers started adding a "black box" to each truck. It would record the last 60 seconds, showing speed, accelerat...

What is a redneck's last words?

“Hold my beer and watch this!”

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

"Bet you can't chug that entire beer can"

"Hold my beer"

beer, mirror, and condom argument

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: ...Hold my beer

Dangers of hyperbole

Early 2000s: Bush is the worst president I can imagine! He is uncaring, racist, stupid, and hurts America's international standing!!

2016 Trump: Hold my beer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Conversation Between Countries

Britain: we pulled the dumbest political shit this year

America: *uuurp* hold my beer

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98% of Canadians say "Oh shit!" on a slippery before going into the ditch.

*The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say: "Hold my beer and watch this!"*

Merry christmas!

**Don't drink and drive this holiday.**

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.

Susan Collins: Hold my beer.

Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?

Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

Nixon: "I bet you can't run a more scandal-ridden presidency than me"

"Hold my beer"

"Sure.. Wait this isnt beer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk

Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer

Nintendo: surely you can't come up with a worse name than Wii U

Microsoft: hold my beer

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

Republicans: "We couldn't possibly lose Alabama!"

Roy Moore: "hold my beer kids"

Random person: I'm the best designated driver...

Me: hold my beer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys setting in a bar

1st guy : man I’m such a terrible person I hate it

2nd guy : nah bro I’m way worse than you , I’m a piece of shit everybody hates me u have no idea

1st guy : No I’m worse , see that old lady outside ? I wanna throw all her groceries so bad

2nd guy : you wouldn’t

1st gu...

People: You can't have all four seasons in the space of 24 hours!

Ohio: Hold my beer.

*inspired by the fact that yesterday it was 74F and had thunderstorms, and today it's 30F and snowing.*

So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar...

United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"

Delta glances around, spies baby....

Delta: "Hold my beer..."

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