UPJOKE

Guess What Jokes

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Son: Dad! Guess What! I lost my virginity!

Dad: Great job son, have a seat next to me.

Son: I'd rather stand, it still hurts to sit down.

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Guess what type on bees makes milk?

Boobies

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Father: Hey son, guess what, you're ADOPTED.

Son: WOAH! I wonder who my real father is?

Father: It's me, your new father is on his way

Guess what stores are opening in Afghanistan?

Targets.



I’ll see myself out.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

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Guess what?

Chicken butt.

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The first time I ever got caught having sex, guess what her mother said to me?

BAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

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A teacher was testing her students' ability to guess what objects were without using their sight...

She had the kids all blindfolded and gave them things such as pine cones, little bars of soap, or small toy animals, and they had to figure out what they were by using their sense of touch or smell. Then she gave them a real treat, Life Savers in all kinds of flavors, and they had to taste them to g...

Guess what my grades and whales have in common?

They rarely rise above "C" level. ᴴᵉˡᵖ

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

GUESS WHAT I SAW!

Wood.

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Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse yelling "Paw! Paw! You'll never guess what!"

Paw says "What?" and Little Johnny says "Old man Henderson's farmhouse just got sucked clear away by a whirlwind!"

"I know," says Paw calmly. "It's in the paper."

Disgruntled, Little Johnny trudges off, but a couple of days later he's running into the farmhouse again yelling "Paw! Paw!...

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

Guess what I have right now?

Your attention.

Guess what I got my toilet for birthday?

A Urinal cake.

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

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Guess what it is, Jimmy

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss and asked him, "Do y...

Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

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Guess what I got asked at the hairdresser's earlier.

Fucking everything.

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

Guess what Rudy Giuliani is going to be for Halloween this year??

Hand Stroker’s Drunkula

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

I guess what happened to Gamora in Infinity War

was definitely not a cliffhanger

Karen: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday.

Dave: A 3-way with your sister?

Karen: \*storms out

Dave: omg did I ruin the surprise?

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Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?

My credit card.

Guess What?













The Spanish Inquisition.

Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet

Narnia business

Guess what the name of my new computer processor is.

Chip

Guess what is better than being blind?

Not using your time debating on what is better.

A policeman comes to work, all happy. "Guess what?" He says. His co-workers ask: "We don't know, what?" The policeman answers:

"I bought a Lego set for 3+ years and managed to build it in a year!"


(Was funnier in my language)

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

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If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

I have a famous turtle. Guess what it's called?

Shellebrity.

Guess what my Valentine gave me?

Carpal Tunnel...

Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?

Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?

My Wife is coming home after a week long trip! Guess what i'm getting tonight?!...

Yelled at...I'm getting Yelled at!

Guess what the dominatrix said to the masochist.

You'll kick yourself when I tell you...

My ex-wife recently passed away. Guess what she got on her gravestone?

My urine.

This might be ‘too soon,’ but guess what’s not ‘on fire,’ ‘lit’ or funny.

r/jokes

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

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Pregnant woman got shot 3 times

A pregnant woman with triples got shot in the stomach 3 times as an innocent bystander.
She went to the hospital and they examined and said luckily No surgery is needed and bullets will come out naturally.

She goes on to have 3 healthy boys. After many years go by one day one of her sons...

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Ordered a pool cue over the phone and you'll never guess what had happened.

I got home from work and there was a line of people in fucking swimwear

I stopped going to gym and guess what I got.

A trophy

A little boy says to his sister: "Guess what sis, I have two Blow Pops!"

Sister: "Oh thank God, that means he won't make me do it tonight."

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

I don’t see what’s the big deal about Jesus anyway. God sent him to earth to suffer and die. Well guess what

He did the same to us.

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