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Grad Jokes

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grad students...

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.


"Well", ...

What gamble do English grads have to perfect to become the most dominant in their class?

The Alpha Bet.

Post Grad Plans

When my son graduated high school, he wanted to open up a dispensary, but i wanted him to become a doctor. When it came time to choose I told him: "It’s my way, or the highway.”

A Texan meets a Havard grad. Curious, he asks:

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

I went to my retro themed grad party last year...

It was a stereotypical grad party themed around the days of old. Everyone wore old clothes and had classic American food. The music was old too


First was the "Twist", and only a few people were dancing on the floor

The next song was "Jump" and the majority of the people were jumpin...

What did the liberal arts major say to the engineering grad?

Do you want fries with that?

A recent college grad visits a farm one day

A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.

"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.

"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's ...

Grad School Romance

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.


Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to ge...

A grad student is working with his lab partner on a science project for his robot acoustics research

When the student says to his lab partner, “There seems to be something missing from our robot that is keeping the voice audio from converting into an electrical signal”.

The lab partner, in an effort to help his friend, heads down the street to the computer shop to see if he can figure out w...

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How does an Alabama State grad know when sex is over?

Someone yells “Cut!”

A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest

This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it:

A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their ...

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to make the change, but 3 will claim co-authorship.

How do you get a (insert college here) grad off your front porch?

You pay em' for the pizza

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A Texas A&M (Aggie) grad, a Texas Tech (TT) grad and a University of Texas (UT) grad end up at the urinals in a bar.

The Aggie finishes first, walks over to the sink and loudly proclaims "In my health class at Texas A&M we were taught to wash our hands after using the bathroom to prevent disease" and proceeds to splash soap and water everywhere. Additionally, while drying off he uses more paper towels than are...

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Some recent grads having a beer..

Three guys, Mike, Dave, and Doug were at a table in a bar enjoying some beers and conversation. A stranger came by and asked if he could join them and was immediately welcomed. After about an hour of lively conversation the stranger said, “I can tell you are all recent college grads. I bet I can gue...

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park...

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the gr...

I wanted to take a grad level Psych class on Freud, in my sophomore year.

But the professor wouldn't let me. She said I was too Jung

Time traveler talks to a mathematician

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

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A medical school graduate starts her residency in a hospital for unusual cases

On her first day, she’s getting a tour of the facility by her supervisor while she takes notes.

They make their way to a room with a man who is masturbating ferociously. The med school grad asks her supervisor, “What disease does this man have?”

“Oh, it’s a very rare disease in whi...

What’s expensive and dirt cheap at the same time?

Fresh grad

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

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A Cambridge graduate and an Oxford graduate meet at a cocktail party...

After they've been talking for a while, the Cambridge graduate says to the Oxford graduate,

"You know, I can tell you're an Oxford graduate by your charm, your intellect, your sophistication, and your worldly wisdom."

The Oxford graduate smiles and responds,

"Thank you. You know...

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at ...

The big questions

What are the big questions a philosopher, scientist and liberal arts grad seek to answer?

The Philosopher: “What is the meaning of existence?”

The Scientist: “Why are things the way they are?”

The Liberal Arts Grad: “Would you like some fries with that?”

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

This joke is for all the engineers out there

Three university engineering students are having a heated debate over which type of engineering is the best to specialize into. Mechanical is clearly the best says the one student, its the most interesting field and theres more employment opportunities post grad!! no way says the other student elect...

Train ride to the conference [long]

So there's a big mathematical physics conference in London, and all the grad students from the University of Leeds maths (UKism for math) and physics departments all travel down to attend.

The physicists all queue up and get their tickets. The maths students buy one ticket between them. T...

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionall...

Political Jokes

Hey guys, So next week my sister is graduating with a degree in political science. I decided I want to get a bunch of political Jokes together to tell at her grad party.

If anyone has any good political Jokes please let me know. Thanks!

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

A dyslexic man is walking around in a bra.

Not sure why he’s on our high school gym stage, though. Maybe he saw the sign saying “*Grad* Night”?

What do you call Russian student who seems like he'll never finish college?

Stalling grad

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There was a farmer who had two sons

tldr :

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They ...

Timbuktu

From my 80 year old Granddad:

Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges;

Slowly across the desert sand,
...

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

Cheating at a College Exam

It was finals time in college and the exam for a professor was inside of a large dining hall. There were moderators who were grad students for the professor, and they walked around.
One moderator spotted a student looking at another's paper, and copying. So the moderator went to the professor an...

Why did the German student finish his degree so quickly?

He was afraid of Stalin grad...

Applying for jobs like...

**ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:**

Hiring recent college grads

**REQUIREMENTS:**

5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

A kid grew up with a inattentive father...

He wasn’t around much and didn’t really make an effort. Was emotionally distant and at times cruel. But the kid was very close with his sister, brother and mother.

Years go by, he goes to college, goes to grad school and has a great career. He becomes a renowned scientist respected by all. <...

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[Long]A Theoretical Physicist is working diligently in his office at Columbia University.

With him is one of his graduate students minding her own business grading some of the first year students term papers. He is generally motionless except for the waggling of his pencil on the notebook he's doing sums in and the occasional pause to take a sip of his Jasmine tea.

All of a sudde...

An unemployed finds hard getting a suitable job in his stream.

An unemployed graduate was looking for a suitable job in his stream. He attended several exams and many personal interviews, only to be rejected. Being fed up after so many months of his job hunt, he decided to get into any job that will provide him some money for his daily expenses.
Being financ...

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So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

I graduated from a school named after a famous leader

I'm a Stalin grad

An economics graduate student crosses the road.

An economics graduate student was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The student picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beauti...

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Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

Adderall is really dangerous

I'm not sure exactly what happened: I took some, and then I must have blacked out or something... all I know is that I'm a grad student now

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Little Jimmy on a car ride with Grandpa

Little Jimmy and his grad dad were driving down the highway when a bug splatters against the window.

Grandpa : You see that Jim! What do you think was the last thing that went though that bugs head when he hit the window?

Jimmy : His ass

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