During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background. So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking what's behind me on our Zoom call.

Jogging goals

2016 - didn’t jog
2017 - didn’t jog
2018 - didn’t jog
2019 - didn’t jog
2020 - didn’t jog
2021 - still didn’t jog

Dammit. This is becoming a running joke now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

Drinking goals

So during the Corona virus ive decided to work on not drinking,

So far, i'm not able to drink a whole 18pack in one night.

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

What does my dad and my moms hopes, goals and dreams and have in common?

They both disappeared after i was born.

I'm glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.

Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since Hitler missed his goals

shouldn't he be called Flopler?

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

Breznev and Nixon make a bet:

Breznev says: "In 2000 the entire world will be communist." Richard say he'd match that bet and predicts that the world would be entirely capitalist by 2000. They deep-freeze themselves.

In 2000 they are unfrozen. They go to a short wave and tune into "Voice of America": "... The central com...

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

Relationship Goals

As you get older, people will try to convince you that you will always end up with someone like your mother. Thats not true. I think blondes are cool and everything, but I've always been more into brunettes...like my sister.

My 2019 goal

My goal in 2019 is to accomplish the goals I set in 2018 which I should have done in 2017 because I made a promise in 2016 which I planned in 2015…

Relationship Goals

I want my relationship to be as long as a CVS receipt

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

Two old men in Glasgow are talking...

"Here, did you see the Vienna Philharmonic are coming to town?"

\- "Nae bother, I reckon Rangers'll stick a couple of goals past 'em"

Relationship Goals

Relationship is easy when spouses know each other. Here are 2 classic examples:

1) A husband comes home after attending a club meeting.

He tells his wife, "Dear, there was a drinking competition after meeting today."

His wife spontaneously, "Who got the second position?"

...

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

What does Thanos, Nike, and Darth Sidious have in common?

Just Do It

(would also accept uses young children to complete goals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've always wanted to marry a girl who's confident, hard working, and helps me achieve my goals....

So I married a stripper. Confident enough to be on stage naked, works long shifts in the middle of the night, helps me achieve my goals..that is until the song ends. That will be another 40 bucks.

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

Squad goals:

To have a squad

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

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