UPJOKE

Goes Into A Bar Jokes

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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

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A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer...

A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer.

Lady next to him - What a coincidence, I also ordered the Kingfisher.
Man - I'm celebrating.
Lady - Me too.
Man - What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?
Lady - My husband & I have been trying 4 yrs for a baby. Tod...

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

A man goes into a bar with his dog.

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink a...

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cen...

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A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar

.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them....

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

A man goes into a bar and sees a woman

He asks "Would you spend the night with me for $10,000 dollars". The woman says" Yes". The man then asks if she would stay the night for $1.00. Her response is "No, what do you think I am?" The man then says, "We have established what you are and now are negotiating the price".

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A man goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila...

"What's the special occasion?" the bartender asks him.

"I'm celebrating my first blowjob,"he replies.

"Well congratulations,"the bartender says."The next ones on the house."

"Nahh thanks anyway but if three shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

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A vampire goes into a bar...

He sits on the stool and orders a glass of hot water.

The bartender gets him his order but can't help himself and asks:

"Excuse me guv, but aren't your type supposed to be drinking blood?"

The vampire fishes in his pocket and pulls out a used tampon, replying:

"Tea."

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Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."


Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally ...

A man goes into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and tells him that it is on the house.

When the man orders a second beer, he tries to pay but the barman refuses to take his money.

This continues for well over an hour, and the man realizes that the barman isn`t charging anyone for ...

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A guy goes into a bar

where he meets a pair of conjoined twins who are joined at the side. They hit it off and proceed to booze the night away. Closing time comes around and they decide to tak the party back to his house. He gets in the door and the twins immediately drop and one starts blowing him while the other tounge...

A gymnast goes into a bar

Medic!!!

f(x) goes into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions"

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

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A guy goes into a bar,

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?" The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day...

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A blonde goes into a bar.

Bartender: What can I get you?
Blonde: I'll have a beer.
Bartender: Anheuser-Busch?
Blonde: It's fine, how's your dick?

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An Irishman goes into a bar...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anyth...

A bossy man goes into a bar.

He orders everyone a round.

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini.

“You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often,” the bartender remarks.

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

Renes Descartes goes into a bar

The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"

Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.

Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.

The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a goo...

An Irishman goes into a bar

in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman ord...

A sandwich goes into a bar

and the bartender says, "hey, get out of here! We don't serve food here!"

A dung beetle goes into a bar...

He doesn't order a drink. He just takes a stool.

A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day

It's quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken. He hears a soft voice:

"Nice tie"

He looks around but he doesn't see anyone. The voice speaks again:

"Great haircut. "

A few moments later:

"Congratulations ...

A cowboy goes into a bar...

A cowboy moved to Wyoming from Texas. He went into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. Sitting in the back of the room, he drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he goes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approached the cowboy and said, "You know, a mug goes...

Man goes into a bar...

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him...

A rabbi goes into a bar

with a HUGE bullfrog on his shoulder. Bartender looks up at him, and says "Where in the WORLD did you get that thing????". Bullfrog answers "Brooklyn, they're EVERYWHERE!".



Credit to JP

A pony goes into a bar, and the bar tender asks him “why the long face?”

I didn’t make it into the men’s choir.

Well, you are a little horse.

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

A string goes into a bar.

The bartender goes we don't serve your kind.

So the string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and goes back to the bar.

"Aren't you the same guy from just a minute ago?", the bartender asks.

" I'm a frayed knot", says the piece of string.

A man goes into a bar

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It fell...

An electrical engineer goes into a bar..

..and CLOSES it.

A couple goes into a bar

They rub their hands on the rough table surface and fire came up.

I guess they were a match.

A seal goes into a bar...

The bartender says,"What'll it be Mr. Seal?"

The seal replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club."

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A man goes into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender and says “Bar keep, a shot of your finest whiskey!”. The bartender grabs a bottle of his finest whiskey and pours the man a shot. As fast as he poured is as fast as the man drank the shot. He slammed the glass down and requested another. The bartender poured the man ...

A bee goes into a bar,

It comes out 2 hours later buzzing

A horse goes into a bar

The barman says: "Hey, why aren't you wearing your mask?"

The horse says: "I can't, it won't fit."

The barman responds: "but why? the long face?"

A beaver goes into a bar

A beaver goes into a bar,sees a mans standing behind the bar and asks,"is the bar tender here."

A rabbit goes into a bar

A rabbit goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he has vodka. The bartender tells him that yes, he does have vodka.
Then, the rabbit asks: How much does a drop costs?
The bartender, confused, tells him that a drop of vodka costs nothing.
The rabbit, grining, replies: Then give me 1000 dr...

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A Small Man Goes Into A Bar

He goes up to the massive barman and orders a pint and a whiskey. He drinks the pint in one go and pours the whiskey into his top pocket.


"Same again, barman"


And he downs the pint and pours the whiskey into his top pocket.


This goes on for the next hour until he's h...

A young guy goes into a bar and orders 12 straight vodkas.

Slugs them all down in a row. Barman says,"what's up mate?"
Guy replies, "just had my first blow-job".
Barman says, "Oh, we're celebrating are we?"
Young guy replies, "No, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

A guy goes into a bar...

He sits and ask for 2 beers. After he finished them, he take something in his pocket, look at it, put it back and ask for 2 more beers. After he finished them, he did the same process and ask for 2 more beers.

After he did it 4 more times, the bartender intrigued ask the guy what's in his po...

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A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $100 that no one here has a musical instrument that my octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old lute.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing Toss a ...

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A man with a horrible stutter goes into a bar

Buh buh buh bartender, can I have a buh buh buh beer? The bartender nods to him and pours him a beer. A few minutes later the bartender says, hey buddy, I used to have a stutter just like that, but I found a way to get over it. Can I tell you how? Please duh, duh, do, says the stuttering man. And th...

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A bear goes into a bar in billings

And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies “we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.”

The bear is outraged and once again demands a beer. The bartender again says they don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.

The bear sees a woman drinking at the end of the...

A woman goes into a bar, and asks the barman for a double entendre

So he gives her one.

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A guy goes into a bar and sees an attractive woman at the bar.

He sends her a drink and she gives him a smile. He walks over to join her and sure enough, they hit it off. They talk for a while longer and she finally says, "Listen, why don't we go back to my place for a nightcap."

They get to her place and are barely in the door before they are kissing an...

Smart Robot

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and m...

Guy goes into a bar trying to pick a woman...

He moves from table to table chatting up the ladies, but nobody is interested.

Then at the back of the room, he sees a dude sitting there with girls all around him, laughing, and hugging him, hanging on his every word, giggling at his every joke.

Later he sees that guy in the bathroo...

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, an...

A polar bear goes into a bar . . .

. . .and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”

The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

A black guy goes into a bar

A black guy walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. The white guy he sat next to says, "Hey! No colored people allowed in this bar!"
The black guy turns to him and says, "Excuse me? When I was born, I was black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm hot, I'...

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A man goes into a bar followed by an ostrich.

He gets a beer and a sandwich. When he asked the bartender for the bill the bartender replied: "$7 33 cents"

The man puts his hand in his jacket pocket and randomly grabs a few bills and coins and drops it on the table. To the bartender's surprise it was exactly $7 33 cents.
"That was for...

A poor man goes into a bar...

He sits down and orders a free water. The bartender says, “you look down, what’s wrong?” The poor man says, “I’ve got no money and no job, even my family won’t help. Do you know if there’s any way to make money in this town?” At this, the man next to him pipes up.

“Oh, look out for guys like ...

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I...

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Charles Dickens goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The barkeeper asks him:
"Olive or twist?"

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A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to he...

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A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.

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A duck goes into a bar, approaches the counter, and orders a sandwich

He says to the bartender 'listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby, the works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a sandwich , so think about some discount or something?

The bartender, shocked as he has never encountered a talking duc...

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A man goes into a bar alone every Saturday

He asks the bartender for three beers every time. And every time he takes one swig from every bottle in order.

When the bartender asks him why he doesn’t just drink the first bottle all at once, the man replies, “I have two brothers who live out of state, and we said we’d always drink togeth...

A gorilla goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.....

....the barman says “that’ll $25 please and I must say we don’t get many gorillas in here”
“With prices like that I’m not surprised” responds the Gorilla.

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Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, sits down and orders himself a drink. The guy notices a jar filled with hundreds with the words "The Ultimate Challenge" written on it. He asks the bartender what that's all about. The bartender replies that you put one hundred dollars in the play the challenge and whoever co...

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A lonely businessman goes into a bar and sees a beautiful young college girl...

He walks up to her as she's getting a drink and says, "I'll give you $10,000 to come back to my hotel room and have sex with me."

She's offended and creeped out and throws her drink in his face. He wanders away and cleans up.

But a while later she goes up to the guy and apologizes. "I...

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A tourist in Mexico goes into a bar to get wasted

It’s his last week on vacation and one of the things on his bucket list to do is basically to drink until he is completely wasted. As the night prolongs, he notices little by little the bar begins to empty. The bartender in his best English that he can muster says to him, “Señor, I think you should ...

An alcoholic goes into a bar

And sees a sign "All you can drink: $30".

Tells the bartender "I'll take two".

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A man goes into a bar where he meets a stunning woman...

He approaches her to buy her a drink and asks her name:
- my name is Carmen
- oh Carmen! Such a pretty name but you sure don’t look latina.
- oh I’m not. I didn’t like my name so I changed it to Carmen after my two favorite things in life: cars and men. What is your name?
- Mmmmm Beerfu...

A man goes into a bar

He says "give me a drink before the trouble starts"

Bartender gives him a drink, he drinks it and says "give me another drink before the trouble starts"

He downs that one and says "give me another drink before the trouble starts"

Another one down and again "give me another drink...

A bear goes into a bar

walks up to the counter and blops down, doesn't say a word and after a while the bartender asks "what'll it be bud?"
The bear looks up from the counter and yes, "I think ill have..." and after 10 seconds goes, "a gin and tonic"
bartender nods and says, " well alright, but whats up with the pau...

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A man goes into a bar with a monkey....

A man goes into a bar with a monkey. The man sits down and order a beer, immediately the monkey starts going wild, the monkey runs on the bar table, runs around the room, then finally jumps on the pool table, picks up the cue ball and eats it.
The bar tender says "Did you see what your monkey...

A blind guy goes into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?" he asks the bartender. "Well, I'm a blonde, the bouncer's a blonde, the two guys sitting next to you are blonde, and so is the owner who's over there playing darts. Do you still want to tell it?" she asks. Then the ...

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.

The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his throat in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar fro...

Julius Caesar goes into a bar...

... and asks for a martinus. Puzzled, the bartender asks,
"Do you mean a martini?"
"No. Just one, please."

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A Well-Dressed Man Goes Into A Bar

He asks for some 15 year old cognac. The bartender pours and passes a glass, and the man takes a sip. He makes a face, and says "I specifically asked for 15 year old cognac, this is only 12 years old. This will not do."

So he asks for a glass of 21 year old scotch instead. The bartender passe...

A man goes into a bar with a small piano...

He puts the piano down and out of his pocket climbs a small man that starts playing the piano. The bartender asks, "Hey man, what is that?" The man responds, "oh, I found a genie in a magic lamp, and I still have two wishes left. Do you want one?" The bartender thinks for a second, and responds, "su...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now...

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A guy goes into a bar with a crocodile...

He says 'Watch this' and gets the crocodile to open its mouth. He then puts his dick in the crocodile's mouth and whacks it on the top of the head.

The crocodile just keeps his mouth open.

The man says 'Anybody else want a go?'

The place is silent. Then on old lady pipes up: 'I'...

A guy goes into a bar with a dog, the bartender says what are you doing here? The guy says, "I've got a talking dog here"

to which the bartender says "I'll tell you what, I'll bet you $10,000 that dog can't talk. But if he can't talk I'm going to throw the two of you through that plate glass window."

The man says "aright" and he sits the dog on the bar and says "Fido, what's on top of a house?" The dog says "r...

A guy goes into a bar . . .

. . . and the bartender offers him a Budweiser.

"No thanks," the guy says. "Last weekend I drank a case of Budweiser and I blew chunks."

"Well of course," the bartender says. "Anyone would throw up after drinking a case of beer."

"No, you don't understand," the guy says. "Chun...

A man goes into a bar. The bar has a huge menu of odd drinks, most of which he doesn’t recognize. He sees one called ‘old reliable’, and figures that is a safe choice.

He says to the bartender, “I will have an old reliable.“

Bartender says,”one old reliable coming up.“ The man got his drink, takes sip of it. He then says, “good God, that drink is terrible.“ And the bartender says to him, “That’s right. Glass, after glass, after glass . . . .”

A man travelling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar

He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he's blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me names, I'll smash your face in!"

A Scotsman goes into a bar...

Sits at the table and orders 4 pints of Innis & Gunn.
Waiter says: 4 pints?
Aye, me lads have all moved away and we toast each other by drinking a pint for each of us.

A few days later he comes back in and orders 3 pints.

The waiter says oh no sorry for the loss of your frien...

A drunk goes into a bar and orders a round of drinks for everyone, including the bartender....

... when the drinks are finished, the bartender gives the drunk his bill, and the drunk says he has no money. The bartender smacks the drunk across the head and throws him out of his bar.

The next day the drunk comes back and orders a round of drinks for everyone, including the bartender. Wh...

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a drink, quick!"

The bartender gives him his drink, and says "What's the hurry, buddy?"
The guy downs the drink and says "Just went to the doctor. Get me another drink, quick!"
The bartender gives him another drink, which he promptly guzzles.
The guy downs the next drink, and the bartender says "Really, ...

A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...

he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".

Man goes into a bar and gets way too drunk,

After already having 7 or 8 pints the man walks up to the bartender, and asks for another Pint. The bartender apologizes and tells the man he can no longer serve him because he has had too much to drink. The man, upset, leaves the bar and stumbles down the street. About 15 minutes later he walks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar to celebrate his last night out before he gets married

He pulls up a stool and orders a hard drink right off the bat.

The bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

"Well, it's my last night out to do anything fun and crazy before I tie the knot"

"Congratulations! This ones on the house, I wish y'all the best of luck."

"Thanks m...

A man who is visiting from out of town goes into a bar one night...

He gets incredibly drunk and stands up on one of the stools and yells:

“EVERY LAST DEMOCRAT IS A HORSES ASS!”

The crowd in the bar immediately starts screaming and yelling at him as they turn on him and beat him up and throw him out.

A few nights later the man returns to the bar...

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