UPJOKE

Go Into A Bar Jokes

A infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar...

The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on...
The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scott go into a bar:

The three men order themselves a pint. In a strange coincidence a fly lands in each mans brew.
The Englishman says, "I, I cont drink this. May i ave another?"
The Scot grunts and chugs his beer down fly and all.
The Irishman leans down really close, grabs the fly by it's wing and screams "S...

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A man is about to go into a bar on a Saturday afternoon when he hears a voice behind him call out "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around ready to give the busybody a piece of his mind, but he holds his tongue on seeing it is an elderly nun, and instead he says "Excuse me, Sister, but why would you be calling this delightful hostelry such a hard name?"

"Because it is the devil's water they sell there," she cries...

A Priest, a stalker and a murderer go into a bar.

He orders a beer.

A guy doesn't go into a bar...

Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.

Two dwarfs go into a bar ...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an a full erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouti...

2 jump leads go into a bar..

Barman says “I’m happy to serve you but don’t go starting anything”

Three individuals go into a bar.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, if you are going any further, you need some sort of identification.”

Three vampires go into a bar

Bartender asks to first vampire that what he would like to drink. First vampire wants a glass of blood. Bartender asks the second vampire the same thing, second vampire wants a glass of blood too. Bartender asks the third vampire and third vampire asks for only a glass of hot water. Bartender supris...

So a dad and his son go into a bar...

His son is literally only a head (doesn’t need vital organs to live in this joke)
Sons birthday so the dad buys him a shot
Son takes shot and boom he becomes a full bodied functional man
Dad is so happy he says shots all around
The son takes another shot and dies
Dad is now crying hy...

Three strings want to go into a bar But there is a sign on the door that says, “No strings allowed.”

The first string says, “I got this.” He walks into the bar, jumps up on a stool and says, “I’ll take a beer.”

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you a string? Get out of my bar!”

So the string goes back out side.

The second string says, “Don’t worry I got this.” He walks into t...

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too".

The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.

Three little ducks go into a Bar

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turne...

A bog, a marsh, and fen go into a bar. The bartender says

Wow, I'm swamped.

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A man and his monkey go into a bar

The guy orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives off the bar and eats them and then he grabs some sliced limes and eats those too. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs the cue ball and swallows that whole ball.
The bartender scre...

Three men go into a bar

They all start bragging about what kind of cars they have. The first man says, “I think I have the coolest car, because I am a horse racer and I have a Mustang.” The second man says “That’s cool, but mine is cooler. I’m an astronaut and I have a Mercury.” They both laugh and turn to the third man, w...

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An Irishman a Englishman and a Scottsman go into a bar...

An Irishman a Englishman and a Scottsman go into a bar and each orders a pint of Guinness. Just then three flys come through the window and one land in each pint. The Englishman is disgusted and pushes his glass away. The Scott picks the fly out of his pint, shrugs his shoulders and starts drinking....

A racist, an animal abuser and a murderer go into a bar.

The bartender says: "What will it be, officer?"

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A bra and a booster cable go into a bar. The bartender says to the bra "Get out."

"Why?" yells the bra.

"Well," says the bartender, "you're off your tits, and your mate looks like he's ready to start something."

Another three vampires go into a bar and sit at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink. The first asks for a glass of O-positive. The second asks for a glass of B-negative. The third says, "I'm on a diet, so I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The waitress turns to the bartender and says, "Eddie! Two bloods and a blood...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go into a bar.

Brunette: "I'll have a B & C."

Bartender: "What's a B & C?"

Brunette: "Bourbon & Coke."

Redhead: "I'll have a G & T."

Bartender: "What's a G & T?"

Redhead: "Gin & Tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"
<...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman cross over the road and go into a bar to change the lightbulb.

That's all I've got so far, but I think it shows potential.

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

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diverse joke

>An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutane...

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