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Germ Jokes

What do you call a germ that evolves into a man?

A German.

Did you hear the joke about the germ?

Actually, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.

If a single germ can infect over 300 people...

Imagine what a married one could do.

What country has the most germs?

Germany

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

If Listerine kills 99.9% of germs

and what doesn't kill something makes it stronger,

are we really on the right track with all this dental hygiene stuff?

They say money is covered in germs

But I don't think even germs could live on the money I make.

So I went into the pharmacy this morning and asked the assistant what the best thing would be for killing germs...

he said Ammonia Cleaner, so I apologized, as I thought he worked there.

What do you call a large group of germs?

A Germany.

The fact that germs enter my body without my consent is wrong.

And to be honest it makes me sick.

What is Colgate Sensitive supposed to do if Colgate kills 99.9% of germs?

It kills 99.9% of them without hurting their feelings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

A germ walked into a bar

The bartender said "We don't serve your kind here; you'll have to leave."

And the germ said "But I work here- I'm staph!"

Why did the germs cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

A Germ walks into a bar

The bartender notices and says,”Hey your a germ! Your not allowed in here!” . “But I work here,” says the germ,” I’m staph.”

Do you know why hand sanatizers only kill 99% of germs?

To leave someone to tell the story

The fear of germs is getting so bad...

Now they're telling us to sing Bohemian Rhapsody twice when we wash our hands.

What type of tree has the most germs?

A Sycamore. (I came up with this one when I was like, 9.)

I don’t get why y’all complain about hand sanitizer only killing 99.9% of germs.

Just take two squirts and it’ll kill 199.8% of the germs on your hand!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

My father’s sister is obsessed with killing germs,

we call her Auntie Bacterial.

When I was young, I thought all germs came from

Germany.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Everybody got sick after my party.

They blame me, since I am the German.

DIY Hand Sanitizer

If you mix Tabasco in you hand sanitizer it will not only kill germs but also teach not to touch your face and eyes.

Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"



XD This c...

Germs boost your immune system

They say that exposure germs boosts your immune system. So to ensure a healthy amount of exposure, a couple times a week I take a sip of some tea that's been sitting out for a few days. I don't plan it.....
But it still happens :(

Dear Hand sanitizer

Can’t touch this!

Regards,
%0.000001 germ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is talking to her kids about covid 19.

She asks them if anyone can explain what germs are? Little Susie speaks up and says they're like little bugs that you can catch from other people that can make you sick.


The teacher says, that's perfect. Now can anyone tell me why we should wash our hands? Little Timmy excitedly raises...

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

What do a busy doctor and the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk have in common?

Both are Russian and trying to get rid of the Germs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans?

We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.

A joke from my boss:

Me: a little germs never hurt anybody.
Boss: if that were true, there wouldn’t be a country named Germany.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once this Hick from West Virginia called the Vet because his horse's eyes were crossed.

He brought the Vet to the barn and showed him.

"You see?" said the Hick. "This is my fav'rit horse. I can't have him runnin' around with his eyes crossed like that!"

"I see," said the Vet. "That's an easy fix. Here, stand at the front of the horse and watch his eyes. When they go strai...

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A farmer takes his crosseyed cow to the vet..

The vet says "I know how to fix this". So he puts a hose up the cows ass and blows really hard, and BANG! the cows eyes snap back to normal. A week later the farmer takes his cow back to the vet because his eyes became crossed again. The vet says "I know how to take care of this" and puts a hose up ...

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An American battleship is on a shore during WWII.

The people on the ship are discussing a plan to destroy a 1000 person Nazi battleship nearby. No one can come up with a good plan, and they're worried the Nazis will attack before them. Just then, the janitor on the ship asked if he could share his plan, and no one objected.

The janitor says,...

Distinction

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away and asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been lying outside, you don't know where it’s been, and it’s dirty and...

New Conspiracy Theory about 9/11

So, if you convert 9/11 into a decimal, you get 0.8181818181818181818181818181.... going on forever. What's the eighth letter of the alphabet? H. What's the first letter of the alphabet? A. That's right, ladies and germs. The Joker did 9/11.

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90yr old man goes to the doctor...

" You're in great shape! How do you manage it?" says the doc.
" I drink a bottle of whiskey everyday to kill the germs."
" You gotta stop that, it's bad for you!"
10yrs later, the man comes back for a check-up.
" Well you're still in great shape, did you stop drinking that whiskey?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men enter a public restroom

All three stand at the urinals, doing their business.

The first shakes his final dribbles and zips up, then heads to the sink, where he proceeds to wash his hands thoroughly with soap and water - twice. As he is scrubbing away, he explains - "I'm from Wisconsin, and we have been taught to be ...

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