UPJOKE
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What do you call a germ that composes music?

Bach-teria

What do you call a large group of germs?

A Germany.

What do you call a germ that evolves into a man?

A German.

Do you know why hand sanatizers only kill 99% of germs?

To leave someone to tell the story

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

The fact that germs enter my body without my consent is wrong.

And to be honest it makes me sick.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

Why did the germs cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

They say money is covered in germs

But I don't think even germs could live on the money I make.

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Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

A Germ walks into a bar

The bartender notices and says,”Hey your a germ! Your not allowed in here!” . “But I work here,” says the germ,” I’m staph.”

I don’t get why y’all complain about hand sanitizer only killing 99.9% of germs.

Just take two squirts and it’ll kill 199.8% of the germs on your hand!

Germs boost your immune system

They say that exposure germs boosts your immune system. So to ensure a healthy amount of exposure, a couple times a week I take a sip of some tea that's been sitting out for a few days. I don't plan it.....
But it still happens :(

What type of tree has the most germs?

A Sycamore. (I came up with this one when I was like, 9.)

What do you call a progressive who is afraid of germs?

A Social Distance Warrior

When I was young, I thought all germs came from

Germany.

My father’s sister is obsessed with killing germs,

we call her Auntie Bacterial.

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Once this Hick from West Virginia called the Vet because his horse's eyes were crossed.

He brought the Vet to the barn and showed him.

"You see?" said the Hick. "This is my fav'rit horse. I can't have him runnin' around with his eyes crossed like that!"

"I see," said the Vet. "That's an easy fix. Here, stand at the front of the horse and watch his eyes. When they go strai...

I was just outside Kiel when my boat hit a rock.

I radio the German Coastguard to inform them, "Mayday, mayday, mayday, we are sinking."

It was less than 3 seconds before the reply came through. "Ok, vat are you zinking about zat is so important to declare a mayday?"

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

I was speaking to my Chinese neighbour recently

His English is remarkably good, and we were talking about the difficulties of our jobs during the pandemic.

"It's a complete hassle being a delivery man at the moment", I told him. "We have to be extremely careful handling the mail and we have to stand back, wait and watch to see that people ...

DIY Hand Sanitizer

If you mix Tabasco in you hand sanitizer it will not only kill germs but also teach not to touch your face and eyes.

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A teacher is talking to her kids about covid 19.

She asks them if anyone can explain what germs are? Little Susie speaks up and says they're like little bugs that you can catch from other people that can make you sick.


The teacher says, that's perfect. Now can anyone tell me why we should wash our hands? Little Timmy excitedly raises...

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An American battleship is on a shore during WWII.

The people on the ship are discussing a plan to destroy a 1000 person Nazi battleship nearby. No one can come up with a good plan, and they're worried the Nazis will attack before them. Just then, the janitor on the ship asked if he could share his plan, and no one objected.

The janitor says,...

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

Dear Hand sanitizer

Can’t touch this!

Regards,
%0.000001 germ

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

Dettol went to GERMANY

Now its called ANY.

What do a busy doctor and the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk have in common?

Both are Russian and trying to get rid of the Germs.

Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"



XD This c...

New Conspiracy Theory about 9/11

So, if you convert 9/11 into a decimal, you get 0.8181818181818181818181818181.... going on forever. What's the eighth letter of the alphabet? H. What's the first letter of the alphabet? A. That's right, ladies and germs. The Joker did 9/11.

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90yr old man goes to the doctor...

" You're in great shape! How do you manage it?" says the doc.
" I drink a bottle of whiskey everyday to kill the germs."
" You gotta stop that, it's bad for you!"
10yrs later, the man comes back for a check-up.
" Well you're still in great shape, did you stop drinking that whiskey?"
...

A joke from my boss:

Me: a little germs never hurt anybody.
Boss: if that were true, there wouldn’t be a country named Germany.

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A farmer takes his crosseyed cow to the vet..

The vet says "I know how to fix this". So he puts a hose up the cows ass and blows really hard, and BANG! the cows eyes snap back to normal. A week later the farmer takes his cow back to the vet because his eyes became crossed again. The vet says "I know how to take care of this" and puts a hose up ...

Distinction

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away and asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been lying outside, you don't know where it’s been, and it’s dirty and...

Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans?

We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men enter a public restroom

All three stand at the urinals, doing their business.

The first shakes his final dribbles and zips up, then heads to the sink, where he proceeds to wash his hands thoroughly with soap and water - twice. As he is scrubbing away, he explains - "I'm from Wisconsin, and we have been taught to be ...

Teacher and the Sikh Student

Teacher: What do we call people living in Turkey?

Sikh Student: I don’t know Sir.

Teacher: They are called Turks.

What about those in Spain and Germany?

Santa: That’s easy, sir. They are called Sperms and Germs, respectively.


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