George Carlin Jokes - 16 Hilarious George Carlin Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In memory of the late George Carlin

Catholics hate abortions.

Catholics hate homosexuals.

But who has less abortions than homosexuals?

George Carlin, 30 years ago

"There was a Quasimodo look-a-like contest in the park today. Police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly."

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo...

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

We could use some George Carlin right about now.

But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway

Now they're just buried treasure

"Live and let live, that's what I say. "

"Anyone who can't understand that should be killed." - George Carlin

Why do they call it the American Dream?

Because you have to be asleep to believe it.

RIP George Carlin. He died 11 years ago yesterday.

A joke from George Carlin,tucked away because of 9/11

The most striking thing about the show is that Carlin made a joke about Osama bin Laden and an exploding airplane. In a fashion typical of the comedian, who always passed easily between the corporeal and the sublime, it started as a fart joke. “These planes get flying so fast that all the most vicio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why they call it a blowjob?

... so it sounds like it has a sort of work ethic attached to it! It makes you feel like you did something useful for the economy!

\- George Carlin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why a farmer fucks his sheep on the edge of a cliff?

It's so the sheep pushes back!

*George Carlin*

Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more.

So men are better at it!

\- George Carlin

I haven't seen this one here, so why not.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL

by George Carlin

In HEAVEN . . .

The Italians are the lovers,

The French cook the food,

The Swiss run the hotels,

The Germans are the mechanics,

And the English are the police.

In HELL . . .

...

Guy runs a red light

A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and sto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it that most people who are against abortion..

Are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place.

R.I.P. George Carlin.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.