America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

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A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

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The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling, says a confessant.

why can’t the priest just pick a position and fuck me already!

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat.

“My God,” his friend replied, “why would you do such a thing?”

“Simple,” the man muttered in his last breath, “because I’d rather one of them die than one of us.”

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

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An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

Over half of UK KFC stores have closed down after switching chicken suppliers.

It was an original recipe for disaster.

It always makes me smile when people suggest switching to the metric system.

Or should it rather make me skilometer?

Accidentaly switching two letters...

...can completely urin a sentence.

Accordion to a recent study, switching the words of a sentence with a musical instrument often goes unnoticed.

It's science.

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

I'm switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format...

...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking

A man dies wearing, a succulent black suit, and his body is taken to a morgue...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives t...

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

Another “your mama joke”

So this morning I was switching off with the day shift supervisor (I’m the overnight supervisor for the mobile division of a security company) and he asked another of our coworkers “when did your car window get broken?” Before I knew the words had come out of my mouth I said “the same time as your m...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

Everyday my wife gets mad at me for no reason when I wake up. Tonight I’m going to change this.

“Why are you on my side of the bed?!” She said

“We are switching places tonight.” I replied

“Why?!”

“Because every morning you seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.”

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

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There was a farmer who had two sons.

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They didn't do well e...

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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

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A truck drivers wife is standing buck naked staring at herself in the mirror

She says to herself "I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful anymore"

She turns to her husband and says 'Honey, I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful any...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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[NSFW] A married couple was walking down the street..

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.

A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."

So they talked f...

A man stumbles into r/Jokes

He looks around, refreshing his window, switching from hot to new, from new to top. His face furrows in disgust.

"These aren't even clever, they're just repetitive, poorly executed punchlines with variations in the setup in order to get karma quick."

He calls over his eleven year old s...

President Trump should be an interior designer

He's really good at switching cabinets.

An American backpacker stumbles upon a patch of magic mushrooms while traveling through the jungle.

He decides to make his adventure even more adventurous and eats the mushrooms.

A couple minutes later, everything starts to seem vibrant and oddly colorful.

He starts to hallucinate.

He follows what appears to be a trail and runs into a French chameleon.

The chameleon s...

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A Hindu, a Jew, and a TV Preacher...

A Hindu, Jew, and televangelist are traveling together when it starts getting dark. They see a ranch in the distance and decide to ask the rancher if they can spend the night.

They knock at the door. "Do you mind if we sleep in your barn tonight?"

"Well sure but you don't all have to....

Fetish...

I have a fetish for switching on air conditioning units.

It gives me vent elation.

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Sheets

A man and his wife go in to visit their rabbi because she is having trouble achieving an orgasm. After relating this problem to him, the rabbi responds by saying to simply allow a priest to wave a sheet over them while they are having sex.

That night, they try again with the priest waving the...

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