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Switching Jokes

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

For years I've stuck with coke but recently tried switching to pepsi.

But the bubbles really burn my nose.

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

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Switching it up

A gorgeous blond walks into a bar and orders 3 Budweisers. She drinks them and get gets so slammed she screws the bartender and both customers in the bar. The next day she comes back and orders 3 Budweisers, get drunk and screws all 10 customers. The next day 35 men are waiting for her to show up. S...

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

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A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

Got arrested by cops for celebrating earth day and switching off all plugs

Shouldn't have done it in a hospital i guess

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

When asked if he would be switching to Windows 11, what was Arnold Schwarzenegger's response?

"I still love vista, baby."

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Elderly couple

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. 
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

I killed my grandpa by switching off his life support

Gotta admit it was quite breathtaking

Accidentaly switching two letters...

...can completely urin a sentence.

I don't get the reasoning behind switching to Daylight Savings Time in the USA

I guess I'm still in the dark.

A guy phoned and asked if I was interested in switching to an alternative energy supply...

I said “ No, I think I’ll stick with food thanks!”

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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

It always makes me smile when people suggest switching to the metric system.

Or should it rather make me skilometer?

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

Over half of UK KFC stores have closed down after switching chicken suppliers.

It was an original recipe for disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling, says a confessant.

why can’t the priest just pick a position and fuck me already!

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat.

“My God,” his friend replied, “why would you do such a thing?”

“Simple,” the man muttered in his last breath, “because I’d rather one of them die than one of us.”

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