My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

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What's the similarity between a nice bunch of flowers and a bitch-demon from hell?

One has pretty petals, the other is the British Home Secretary.

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I got in a bunch of trouble for something I didn't even do...

... it was my homework

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors...

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors, and suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”
Immediately, five people stand up...

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

I’ve been challenged to make a play on words with the word for a whole bunch of peaches in a basket.

Try as I might though, I just can’t punnet.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

I have a bunch of elderly relatives that used to love to tease me at weddings by saying stuff like: "Oh, you'll be next, you'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

I ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I went to the doctor and he said:

"Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."

What did a bunch of boisterous bulimics order at the restaurant?

I don't remember, but I told them to keep it down.

The other day I saw a huge sign advertising a bunch of clocks.

I guess it's just a sign of the times.

I got bullied by a bunch of redditors after fixing my fence

Apparently, I’m not supposed to repost things

Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...

They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.

I think I missed Mike ache day.

What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

Every morning after waking up, I find that someone has left a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

(Work in progress)What do you call a bunch of ravens pretending to be crows?

A conspiracy to commit murder!

Bought my wife a bunch of flowers for Mother's Day.

She said "I suppose you expect me to spread my legs for these?"

I replied "why? Haven't you got a vase big enough?"

And that's how I ended up at the ER.

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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Why did the clown take a bunch of laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

I was accosted by a bunch of perverts on the subway...

I had to beat them off.

Why was princess Zelda sad after watching a bunch of YouTube videos?

She couldn't find the link in the description.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

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They are a bunch of royal bitches!

I ran into a man at a pub near Buckingham palace. I watched in amazement, as he pounded down pint after pint, so I decided I would find out more about him.

I sat down next to him, and I offered to buy him the next pint. He agreed, and I took the opportunity to ask him why he was drinking so h...

What’s it called when a bunch of stoners start working together?

A joint collaboration

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's...

Fanta-Stick

Scouts are an easy-going bunch.

But they can be in tents

My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.

I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

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What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

I met a girl last night & after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play "Doctor"?

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of out dated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls!

But really, they're all liti-gators

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

What do you call a bunch of angry flag waving Americans?

A gathering Murricane

What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

A bunch of evolutionary scientists got together for a cookout one day.

The got a bunch of stuff to grill up, but everyone was most excited about the sausages.

The scientists counted the sausages to make sure there were enough for everyone, and even though they initially thought they had enough they were one short. They checked the cooler, the fridge, and everyw...

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What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?

A slice of blue cake!!!

What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store?

A coronal mass ejection.

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A...

They were raising canes.

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

Onlyfans but it's a bunch of wholesome Vietnamese guys that you can take home to your parents and bring honor to us all.

It's called: OnlyPhans

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

I saw a bunch of kids trying to throw another kid into a dumpster and I had to step in.

They weren't tall enough to get him over the top.

What do you call a bunch of chickens in a two-doored car trying to overthrow the government?

A coop coupe coup.

What do you call a bunch of blondes chasing each other down the street?

The Aryan race.

What do you call a group of well-dressed theoretical physicists?

A bunch of Feynman

Please stop making jokes about little people

How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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A guy applies for their driving license

Before starting practicing, of course, they had to pass a theoretical test.

The teacher asks them: «You're on the road at night, and you see 2 lights. What is it?»

And the student answers: «It's a car».

The teacher says: «It narrows down too little. Is it a BMW? A Mercedes? A Fo...

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A 70 year old virgin Nun goes to a gynecologist

Because she is experiencing some discomfort. When she explains what’s going on, the gynecologist runs some tests. Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs. “That’s impossible, my body hasn’t been touched by anyone.” She says to him. So she leaves to go ...

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

Noisy Mating

A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" as...

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A woman wakes up after a Vaginal Tuck.

On the window sill, she sees three bunches of flowers.

One from her surgeon to say all went well.

One from her husband, "get well soon and I love you."

And one from Tommy in the burns unit, to say,

"Thank you for the new ears."

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A man dies and goes to hell

When he get there he's welcomed by Satan he tells him I have three doors for you and behind each one there's a kind of hell that you're going to spend all of eternity. Behind door number 1 is a bunch of people as far as the eye can see standings on their heads on concrete floor. Behind number 2 ther...

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A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My...

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A man goes for dinner at a fancy restaurant...

He orders the nicest glass of wine on the menu.

"What do you think?" asks the waiter.

"I could piss out better wine than this!" the man exclaims.

"I'd like to see that," says the waiter.

So the man takes a pee in an empty wine glass and hands it to the waiter.

The ...

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I thought about asking my girlfriend why she wears a bunch of wristwatches on her belt...

But I decided it was a waist of time.

What do you call a bunch of bullies from Malta?

Maltesers.

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My son was excited about our Catholic church’s archeology class.

But all he saw was a bunch of old bones.

Did I tell you about the time I took a bunch of crows to the asylum?

I committed a murder.

If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

why are they called trojan condoms?

because when they break a bunch of men come out

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free! You're all a bunch of racists.

I once dated a girl and she threw up a bunch of red flags.

It turned out that she was an avid communist.

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

I recently took up knitting...

...and I've gotten really good. I make awesome blankets with beautiful colored patterns. I made a bunch of them, but they're all at my ex-boyfriends house and he's really mad at me. I'm worried he might destroy them or throw them out just to get back at me.

I'm deeply concerned about the safe...

A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night

It's now appraised at $750,000.

What do R/Jokes have in common with the Spanish Inquisition?

It just a bunch of tortured puns

I'm putting together a juggling act where I juggle a bunch of bright blue balls....

The act ends right before the climax.

I was trying to cheer up my friend by telling him a bunch of jokes.

I hoped at least one of them would make him laugh, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I tried to catch a bunch of fireflies last night but they escaped the container

It was ajar

A husband walks into his wife and her friends sitting on the couch eating snacks

"bunch of fat cows" muttered the husband

"what was that" shouted his wife

"you herd" replied the husband

How do you round up a bunch of cows?

You gotta flank steak.

Just gave away a whole bunch of old batteries...

Totally free of charge.

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

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Today, I ate a bunch of Taco Bell.









Lots of shit went down.

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

Finally...a good use for lawyers.

What happens when you throw a bunch of lawyers into the ocean?
Tsunami

I just drew a sketch of myself wearing a rolex in front of a giant mansion with a bunch of lambos all around me

So on paper I'm a millionaire.

Why don’t religious people like rap music?

All rappers do is hop in the booth and confess to a bunch of crimes they’ve committed.

That’s Catholicism.

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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

How do you get a bunch of avocados into an Aerosmith concert?

You tell them to GUAC This Way!

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

So what? I have a bunch of Legos.

You wanna make something out of it?

What do you call a plan to kill a bunch of crows that are hanging around on a gravestone?

A plot to murder a murder plot's murder.

Pablo Escobar gets his comeuppance

Back when Pablo Escobar was still a small time crook, he was known for peddling his product in the shady street corners of his home town.

One day during said nefarious activities, a bunch of local children rode by on their bikes and recognized his face. They promptly reported the heinous crim...

What do you get when you show a hen a bunch of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

Why did Chewbacca’s police force make so many mistakes?

They hired a bunch of Wookiees.

I got a bunch of really cheesy jokes

They're really Gouda, I promise.

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A hillbilly once went to a doctor.

“Doctor, I need a cast(e)ration,” the hillbilly said. The Doctor replied, “Are you sure about that?”
The hillbilly promptly responds, “Well, I have given it some thought, and I am really excited about the change.”
The hillbilly finally goes through with the procedure and over time, recovers....

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

What do you call a bunch of French fries at a ballgame?

Spectaters

What do you call a bunch of squid joining the military?

The kalim-army

A bunch of cations walk into a bar that is notorious for only serving anions.

This precipitated many a salts and batteries.

A funny story

A man had a bunch of penguins in his truck, when suddenly a police officer came and asked him what was in the truck, the man said "My penguins," The police said to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day, the police officer came back asking where the penguins were. The man said, "They're...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a bunch porn addicts and living disappointments?

The reddit community.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bunch of doctors were asked about easing lockdown restrictions

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception...

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

A bunch of boys decide to go cow tipping...

They go up to the fence and they are all standing there. They all point out the closest cow and have one of the boys go tip it over. The cow falls over and they all laugh. They find another cow and another kid goes over, tips it, and they laugh.

One of the boys sees a fence a little ways awa...

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

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My mother used to pose for porn magazines in the 70’s. A few years ago, someone uploaded a bunch of her pictures to the internet.

I see them from time to time, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

Someone broke into my garage and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!

Seriously, how low can you go?

What do you call a bunch of hoes on the subway

A train of thot

I guess politicians are just a bunch of chickens.

Ya got the right wing and the left wing.

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

What do you call a bunch of chinese bears at an orgy?

A pandemonium.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

Into reverse and then leaving the scene.

NSFW What's the difference between a Maserati and a bunch of dead hookers?

I don't have a Maserati in my garage.

I finally got a bunch of naked ladies in my home!

It turns out the autumn crocus blooms early in my region.

I decided to put a bunch of 1 dollar bis around a string then wore it like a belt.

My mother called it a waist of money

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