UPJOKE
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A bunch of functions are drinking in bar...

When someone yells "A differential is coming!" All the functions panic and try to hide, except e^x . One of the functions asked "e^x , why aren't you hiding from the differential?" To which it responded "I'm e^x , a differential can't do anything to me!" At that point, the differential walked in and...

What do you call a bunch of Karen's up a tree?

A Country.

Looking forward to Iran vs USA in the World Cup. A bunch of semi-literate religious fundamentalists stuck in the 19th century.

But I think Iran can probably beat them

Months ago I ordered a bunch of art....

From a really cool lithography studio, but none of it has arrived yet. I just have to hope that someday my prints will come.

What do you get when you meet a bunch of amicable Hungarian musicians?

A Franz Liszt

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

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What do you call a bunch of cows masterbating?

Beef Stroganoff

A bunch of Russian labourers are building a fence

and one of them goes to the foreman and says "Foreman, I have a problem. I just opened this packet of nails and all the heads are on the wrong end."

"Idiot!" yells the foreman. "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"

I asked a priest why I couldn't just say a bunch of Hail Marys before committing a sin

Apparently the church isn't a fan of anything Pre-Marytal

Myself & a bunch of guy friends tried to go to the new strip club named “The G Spot”…

We couldn’t find it.

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Today i saw a bunch of priests gang-banging

Holy Fuck!

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A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

There was that asian guy who fell down a bunch of stairs

It was Wong on so many levels

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park.

That is wrong on so many levels.

In New Orleans she was 'Honeychile', the sweetest of the bunch

But on my job's expense account, she's 'gas, motel and lunch'.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

A twofer

A priest and a lawyer are on a ferry boat along with a bunch of kids who are on a field trip. The ferry boat hits a rock and starts to sink. The priest and the lawyer lower a lifeboat. The lawyer jumps in, and yells, "Get in! Hurry up!"

The priest says, "What about the kids?"

The lawye...

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles...

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

What do you call it if a bunch of people in comas drown in a hot tub?

Vegetable stew.


Not mine, and yes I know it's tasteless.

Probably as tasteless as the stew.

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tel...

A bunch of different birds are chilling in a large group when

Another type of bird comes out of nowhere. "sorry lads I've just arrived from europe!" says the bird,

"Ukraine?" askes another. "Nah mate I'm a pelican"

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

My kid asked if we are a bunch of pyromaniacs

I said, "yes, we arson."

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

A zookeeper walks into a restaurant with a bunch of animals...

The waiter exclaims, "This is totally unacceptable!"

The zookeeper responds, "But why?"

The waiter breathes a deep sigh and says, "Well, first of all, we need to address the elephant in the room..."

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

I don't think my doctor likes me very much. I told him I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills

He told me to go home and have a few drinks to relax!

A bunch of Romans walk into a bar in Rome, one Roman holds up two fingers to the barman..

“5 beers”.

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

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John, Jack and a whole bunch of sand

John and Jack are walking together. John smells his finger and says to Jack:


"Hey, Jack! Does my finger smell like shit or like sand?!"


Jack takes a good wiff, scrunches up his face and says:


"Uuugh, that's definitely shit!”


"Thought so too, why the hell w...

Sahara Desert.

A somewhat predictable oldie but amusing nevertheless.

A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties la...

A bunch of politicians were on a road trip...

....when their bus rolled over into a ditch. The top collapsed and killed a number of them, leaving the rest to die of their injuries. A farmer was the first on the scene and of course called 911 to report the accident.

About 30 minutes later, the local sheriff rolled up with an ambulance to...

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

Whats better than a bunch of roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!

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I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance

by putting it in reverse and hauling ass away from that accident I caused.

A bunch of guys who sit around all day saying jokes got tired of repeating the same jokes, so they decided to number the jokes. Whenever one of them wanted to say a joke, he'd just say "Number 32", for example, and they'd all bust out laughing

One day one of the guys stood up and shouted "Number 54", as usual they all laughed. One guy though, laughed hysterically, slapped his knee, and had tears streaming down his face.



One of his friends asked him: "What's going on? Why did you laugh like this?"



He replied: ...

What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

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I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. “Oh, I’m so excited for Saturday! I’m going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert… front row!” Flabbergasted, I replied, “What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs…

…and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!”

Cheerfully, she replied, “oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!”

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

A land surveyor is redrawing the state lines in Rural Western Maine…

He happens upon an isolated farmhouse with a bunch of signs that say things like “Maine Pride” , “Parking for Mainers Only” and “Welcome to Maine Now Leave!” However he discovers that there has actually been a zoning mistake and the house is located just over the line in Vermont. He nervously knoc...

Told a joke to a bunch of bugs

And I’ll heard was crickets…

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Bunch of guys chatting at the pub....

One of them says "Things are crook at home fellas, the missus is charging me $50 a time for sex".



One of his mates replies "$50? That's pretty good mate-she charges us $100"

What do you call a bunch of janitors who made a band?

The bleach boys.

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors...

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors, and suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”
Immediately, five people stand up...

What happens when you put a bunch of cardboard boxes in your house during a full moon?

You make it a warehouse

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

I have a bunch of elderly relatives who used to love to tease me at weddings by saying stuff like: "Oh, you'll be next, you'll be next."

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

If you put a bunch of Bored Apes in a room

They’ll eventually churn out a Shakespeare NFT

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What's the similarity between a nice bunch of flowers and a bitch-demon from hell?

One has pretty petals, the other is the British Home Secretary.

I told a bunch of Africans a joke about food yesterday but nobody was laughing

I guess they just don't get it

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What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?

A slice of blue cake!!!

A bunch of cows where playing poker while smoking weed

... the steaks were high

What do you call a bunch of dead puppies on the side of the road?

A LITTER

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer...

I was accosted by a bunch of perverts on the subway...

I had to beat them off.

A girl wants to be a comedian when she grows up.

Her parents are sad she doesn't want to carry on the family farm, but they encourage their daughter to follow her dreams. She's too shy to tell people her puns in person, so she figures out how to share them another way.

The girl takes a bunch of her father's old pasture fence posts and pound...

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why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

Every morning after waking up, I find that someone has left a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, th...

Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...

They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.

I think I missed Mike ache day.

Singing in the shower is all a bunch of fun and games, until you get shampoo in your mouth...

Then it becomes a soap opera.

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Why did the clown take a bunch of laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

What did a bunch of boisterous bulimics order at the restaurant?

I don't remember, but I told them to keep it down.

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

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There's a Psychic convention.

All the psychics are there. Palm readers, Crystal Ball people, phone psychics. So the speaker says "has anybody here ever seen a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up.
He says "has anybody here ever talked to a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up again.
He gets right down to the last que...

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Mice go to heaven

Three mice die and go to heaven. At Peter meets them at the gates and ask “Have you been good little mice?”

Mice: “Yeah, yeah! We’ve been good little mice! Eating cheese and doing all the things good little mice do!”

St. Peter: “Ok, go on in.”

A week later, St. Peter checks in w...

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An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the automobile told him: “Give me $10,000 cash or I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

The old man says: “Hang on, I don’t have that much cash. Let me call my son who trains dolphins.”

Old man rings his son, but before he gets to speak, the car owner grabs the phone from him and tell...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Boy the Halloween vandals and pranksters hit my neighborhood hard already. They destroyed a bunch of street signs," he tells the bartender. "They really pulled out all the stops."

I got in a bunch of trouble for something I didn't even do...

... it was my homework

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

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Help the poor

I saw a homeless guy this morning who was starving and asking for food. I felt so bad. So I did what every sensible person would do. I went to the jewelry store and bought a bunch of stuff for my wife and a brand new Mercedes for me.

Surely, this money will trickle down to the poor bastard.<...

Onlyfans but it's a bunch of wholesome Vietnamese guys that you can take home to your parents and bring honor to us all.

It's called: OnlyPhans

What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

A reporter hears about a new cafe that is a smash hit

He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. Making his way inside, he is shocked to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top Fame standing behind the counter, serving tea. He walks up and asks "Hey, aren't you Billy Gibbons?"\\

"Sure am."

"Are the other guys her...

The other day I saw a huge sign advertising a bunch of clocks.

I guess it's just a sign of the times.

A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

(Work in progress)What do you call a bunch of ravens pretending to be crows?

A conspiracy to commit murder!

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

Bought my wife a bunch of flowers for Mother's Day.

She said "I suppose you expect me to spread my legs for these?"

I replied "why? Haven't you got a vase big enough?"

And that's how I ended up at the ER.

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

Why were a bunch of kangaroos arrested?

Because they were involved in gangaroo activity.

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

Why was princess Zelda sad after watching a bunch of YouTube videos?

She couldn't find the link in the description.

Horses are very pessimistic.

They're all a bunch of neigh sayers.

What do you call a bunch of chickens in a two-doored car trying to overthrow the government?

A coop coupe coup.

Scouts are an easy-going bunch.

But they can be in tents

I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A...

They were raising canes.

Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls!

But really, they're all liti-gators

It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..

At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting one time and let me tell you

What a bunch of losers.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the...

What’s it called when a bunch of stoners start working together?

A joint collaboration

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