A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

I ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I went to the doctor and he said:

"Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...

They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.

I think I missed Mike ache day.

I got bullied by a bunch of redditors after fixing my fence

Apparently, I’m not supposed to repost things

Singing in the shower is all a bunch of fun and games, until you get shampoo in your mouth...

Then it becomes a soap opera.

What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

Bought my wife a bunch of flowers for Mother's Day.

She said "I suppose you expect me to spread my legs for these?"

I replied "why? Haven't you got a vase big enough?"

And that's how I ended up at the ER.

(Work in progress)What do you call a bunch of ravens pretending to be crows?

A conspiracy to commit murder!

Why was princess Zelda sad after watching a bunch of YouTube videos?

She couldn't find the link in the description.

Every morning after waking up, I find that someone has left a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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They are a bunch of royal bitches!

I ran into a man at a pub near Buckingham palace. I watched in amazement, as he pounded down pint after pint, so I decided I would find out more about him.

I sat down next to him, and I offered to buy him the next pint. He agreed, and I took the opportunity to ask him why he was drinking so h...

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Why did the clown take a bunch of laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

What’s it called when a bunch of stoners start working together?

A joint collaboration

My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.

I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.

Scouts are an easy-going bunch.

But they can be in tents

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

I was accosted by a bunch of perverts on the subway...

I had to beat them off.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's...

Fanta-Stick

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls!

But really, they're all liti-gators

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

A bunch of evolutionary scientists got together for a cookout one day.

The got a bunch of stuff to grill up, but everyone was most excited about the sausages.

The scientists counted the sausages to make sure there were enough for everyone, and even though they initially thought they had enough they were one short. They checked the cooler, the fridge, and everyw...

What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store?

A coronal mass ejection.

I have a bunch of elderly relatives who used to love to tease me at weddings by saying stuff like "Oh, you'll be next, you'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A...

They were raising canes.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves

Free! You're all a bunch of racists.

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What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

A husband walks into his wife and her friends sitting on the couch eating snacks

"bunch of fat cows" muttered the husband

"what was that" shouted his wife

"you herd" replied the husband

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

A bunch of chickens stormed the Capitol building yesterday

It was a chicken coup

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

I saw a bunch of kids trying to throw another kid into a dumpster and I had to step in.

They weren't tall enough to get him over the top.

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What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?

A slice of blue cake!!!

What do you call a bunch of chickens in a two-doored car trying to overthrow the government?

A coop coupe coup.

What do you call a bunch of blondes chasing each other down the street?

The Aryan race.

Onlyfans but it's a bunch of wholesome Vietnamese guys that you can take home to your parents and bring honor to us all.

It's called: OnlyPhans

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

A funny story

A man had a bunch of penguins in his truck, when suddenly a police officer came and asked him what was in the truck, the man said "My penguins," The police said to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day, the police officer came back asking where the penguins were. The man said, "They're...

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors...

And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but…...

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COVID sufferers are an arrogant bunch.

They think their shit doesn't stink.

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

What do you call a bunch of bullies from Malta?

Maltesers.

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I thought about asking my girlfriend why she wears a bunch of wristwatches on her belt...

But I decided it was a waist of time.

If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

I'm putting together a juggling act where I juggle a bunch of bright blue balls....

The act ends right before the climax.

How do you round up a bunch of cows?

You gotta flank steak.

I was trying to cheer up my friend by telling him a bunch of jokes.

I hoped at least one of them would make him laugh, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

One of the only jokes I know

What a cute bunch of cows!

It's not a bunch, it's a herd

Heard of what?

Herd of cows

Well, duh, of course I've heard of cows!

No, a cow herd

What do I care what a cow heard?





Sorry if it's lame

I once dated a girl and she threw up a bunch of red flags.

It turned out that she was an avid communist.

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

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Today, I ate a bunch of Taco Bell.









Lots of shit went down.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

How do you get a bunch of avocados into an Aerosmith concert?

You tell them to GUAC This Way!

I tried to catch a bunch of fireflies last night but they escaped the container

It was ajar

I just drew a sketch of myself wearing a rolex in front of a giant mansion with a bunch of lambos all around me

So on paper I'm a millionaire.

Just gave away a whole bunch of old batteries...

Totally free of charge.

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

So what? I have a bunch of Legos.

You wanna make something out of it?

A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night

It's now appraised at $750,000.

What do you get when you show a hen a bunch of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

What do you call a bunch of French fries at a ballgame?

Spectaters

What do you call a bunch of squid joining the military?

The kalim-army

What do you call a plan to kill a bunch of crows that are hanging around on a gravestone?

A plot to murder a murder plot's murder.

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

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My mother used to pose for porn magazines in the 70’s. A few years ago, someone uploaded a bunch of her pictures to the internet.

I see them from time to time, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

I got a bunch of really cheesy jokes

They're really Gouda, I promise.

How to make your steak taste better?

Eat it with bunch of vegans on the dinner table.

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A bunch of doctors were asked about easing lockdown restrictions

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception...

An Arab guy walks into a bra store

owned by a Jewish guy on a Sunday afternoon. The Arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure I'll buy 100." T...

Someone broke into my garage and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!

Seriously, how low can you go?

The WWE wrestlers Edge & Test were big back in their day, even had separate fanbases believe it or not,

Edges fans were called "Th Edge-ed Edgies"

and Test fans were just a bunch of quality balls.

A bunch of cations walk into a bar that is notorious for only serving anions.

This precipitated many a salts and batteries.

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

There are three people running from the cops. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and one was a blonde.

Eventually, they find a barn and try to hide from the police.

The brunette decides to hide in a haystack, the redhead decides to hide in a horse trough, and the blonde decides to hide in a bunch of potato sacks.

When the police come by the haystack, they hear a rustle.

"What was...

A bunch of boys decide to go cow tipping...

They go up to the fence and they are all standing there. They all point out the closest cow and have one of the boys go tip it over. The cow falls over and they all laugh. They find another cow and another kid goes over, tips it, and they laugh.

One of the boys sees a fence a little ways awa...

I finally got a bunch of naked ladies in my home!

It turns out the autumn crocus blooms early in my region.

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One Marine (long)

Out in the middle of the Afghan desert, a whole camp of Taliban soldiers doing whatever Talibans do on their slow days.

Suddenly, the company commander hears this voice yell out "one Marine is better than one-hunert Talibans!". It seems to be coming from behind a rock formation off in the dis...

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What do you get if you cross a bunch porn addicts and living disappointments?

The reddit community.

I guess politicians are just a bunch of chickens.

Ya got the right wing and the left wing.

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

What's the difference between a bunch of babies in a pool and some coins?

The coins are the only thing heads up...

I decided to put a bunch of 1 dollar bis around a string then wore it like a belt.

My mother called it a waist of money

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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

What do you call a bunch of hoes on the subway

A train of thot

What do you call a bunch of chinese bears at an orgy?

A pandemonium.

My Brother in law had a chat with a game warden once.

My brother in law was stopped by the game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water; leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my ...

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

Into reverse and then leaving the scene.

NSFW What's the difference between a Maserati and a bunch of dead hookers?

I don't have a Maserati in my garage.

My wife asked me if I wanted to go bowling or if we would stay home tomorrow.

I replied; “I don’t feel like shoving my fingers in some holes where a bunch of weirdos have been inside before me. So let’s go bowling”

My girlfriend asked me to show her how I felt with a bunch of flowers...

... So I gave her a triffid.

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What do you call a bunch of countries uncontrollably shitting all over the earth?

An incontinents problem.

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.

With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady t...

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

A bunch of my friends have started taking drugs and I don't know what to do...

Should I give them a friend's discount or just charge them normal prices?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the land of Oz, there was a dark, musky swamp, and in this swamp there lived a bunch of deep green frogs.

Except for one frog, who was a pale yellow color. The yellow frog got made fun of all the time for being a different color, and one day he was so fed up he called out into the sky, “good witch Glinda, good witch Glinda, please turn me green!” And out of the sky, a little soap bubble floated down to ...

How do you talk to a bunch of pine trees all at once?

On a coniference call.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

A Kamikaze pilot is teaching a bunch of students and he says...

“Look carefully I’m only going to do this once”

I went to the liquor store today

and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?”

I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...

It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the crap out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...

Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

I didn’t know what an orgy was so I decided to do a bunch of research.

It’s all coming together.

Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets?

They fired him for thyme theft

What did the sloth say when he was mugged by a bunch of snails ?

"it all happened so fast!"

What do you call a bunch of pandemic flu victims that all ignore social distancing and get together for a party?

A murder of crovids

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