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Replay Jokes

Boss tells his new worker:

“You work really slow, you walk really slow, I watched you during lunch and you ate your sandwich really slowly too! Is there anything you can do fast!?”

The worker replays: “I get tired really fast!”

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so a man is pulled over

The cop walks up to the window and says sir, do you know why I pulled you over? The man says no and the cop says I clocked you doing 77 in a 65. May I see you license, registration and proof of insurance. The man says he not only has none of those but the car is stolen. The couple he stole it from ...

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Father shark teaches the son shark how to eat human

"Look boy, when you target a swimming human go close with your fin out of the water. Take a few laps around the target then you can eat. Does it make sense?"

"Yes, father. Thank you." the son replayed.

"Now go find your lunch" said the father.

The guy went in one direction and c...

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Old save file on my N64 says a lot about my self confidence back then

Named myself "DumbButt"

I'm happy to report that I am now a happy adult, replaying my favourite game as SmartAss

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

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A guy watching TV, asks his wife

A guy, watching TV, asks his wife,

"Can you, please, bring me a beer, before it starts?"

The wife, a little annoyed, brings him a beer.

After five minutes, the guy, asks again,

"Can you please bring me another beer, before it starts?"

The wife brings him another be...

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The bus driver, the hippy, and the nun.

A bus driver, a hippy, and a nun are all on the bus as it comes to a stop. As the nun is getting off the hippy says to her “I am going to have sex with you.” The nun replies “like hell you are and leaves.” The buss driver says “do you see that grave site over there?” Hippy replays “yes.” “Well every...

The good doctor

A doctor moves to America, but is not allowed to continue practicing medicine. So he opens a shop with a sign that says "$20 and we'll cure any illness. Guaranteed, or you get $100 back."

A lawyer sees the sign and realizes he can make an easy $100. He walks into the clinic and says he lost ...

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A man comes home from work early and finds his wife lying on the bed panting hard

"What's going?" he asks her?
"Er, I'm having chest pains", she replays, "so I decided to have a lie down."
He runs downstairs and quickly phones for an ambulance.
Whilst on the phone his youngest of 3 children pull his sleeve and says," Daddy, uncle John is naked in the wardrobe".
He qui...

Just water for me, please

An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman are spending the day at a beer festival I Germany. After a long day, they end up at a local pub near their hotel. The bartender asks the American what he will have. – I'll have a Budweiser, he answered, the best beer in the world. Next to be asked was the Dutc...

A man wanted to buy a good insecticide

"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.

"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.

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A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

A man was involved in a terrible car accident. Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes.

The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.   Some months pass and the mans friends come over to visit him. They are very worried because he has not been out of the house for months. They tell him ...

Baseball bet

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second gu...

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A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:

-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so exp...

It's just miracle water

So this man was pulled over at the customs.

They had a look in his car and found a big plastic can in the backseat.

\- What have we here?, asked the officer.

\- That? The man replayed, that's miracle water from Canada.

The office loosened the lid and put his nose to t...

Make us happy!

There was Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on a helicopter flying over New York, when Donald said “I will throw this 20 dollars out of the helicopter and make someone happy”, Hillary replay “I will throw this two 10 dollars bills out of the helicopter and make two people happy”, Donald with disgust ...

My dad told a lame joke today

I told him to stop because he never makes funny jokes.
His replay was - I made you didn't I?

The bar with the great 12-inch pianist



A man walks in to a bar to see a 12-inch pianist playing piano and he is amazing. He asked the bar tender where did you get this guy from? The bar tender tells him don’t even bring him up. The man kept ordering drinks and tipping so that the bar tender can finally answer his question.
...

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A man walks into a brothel

And tells the women at the counter, " I'm looking for some pussy" the clerk is concerned and instead offers the man some chicken. $10 and you can have your way with the chicken. She says. The man looks at the chicken on the counter, after a moment of silence he agrees. She points him down the hall t...

A trucker walks into a bar.

He sits at the bar and orders a beer, the bartender is a bit surprised to see the trucker. "Hey Bob, haven't seen you in a while, what have you been up to? "

Bob takes a swig of beer, "man that tastes good, haven't had a beer in 18 months, I have been in prison" he says.

"You, I can't ...

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kids should never swear

one afternoon these two brothers were talking, one was 5 and the other was 6, the 6 year old said 'tomorrow, we are going to swear in front of mom'

so the next day the mom asked 'what cereal do you boys want?'

'fucking cornflakes' replayed the 6 year old, the mom sent him to his room. ...

Tyrone first day at 1st grade

Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays. "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What'...

Groundhog Day is a classic.

It sure has great replay value.

How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$?

He bet 10$ on the soccer game and 20$ on the replay.

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A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure...

"D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to Help m m m me, I'll dddo anyt t t t thing.

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem....

"your penis is massive, it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutte...

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Four nuns die in a bus accident...

When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there waiting for them. "Welcome to heaven." says St Peter "Before I can let you in, I have to ask you a question. It's a little personal, but I have to ask, so go have a seat and I will call you up one at a time." The nuns have a seat and a few minut...

Burglar Meets Moses and Jesus

There was once a burglar that had been staking out a house for weeks. He finally decided to break in when we saw the tenants leaving for dinner date.

He then snuck in through a back door that he knew where the extra key was hidden. As he snuck through the house spotting his flashlight on what...

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An old man sees a younger one walking down the road with a roll of duct tape

In a small, backwoods town, an old codger is having his morning coffee out on his porch when he spies one of the boys from town walking down the road. He calls out to the young man.

“Hey, there, young fella. Whatcha doin’ walking around this neck of the woods this early in the morning?”
...

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