Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

My 11yo: " How did Freddie Mercury die?"

"He bit the dust."

#

I don't care what you think. That was dad-joke levels of funny.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he got sent to prison?

"I want to break free!"

What's the difference between a man working in an imitation cheese factory and Freddie Mercury?

The first man wants to fake brie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freddie died in a fire

Freddie was a well respected member of his community, however his two best friends James and Thomas were a lot more boisterous and seen as a bit dim witted amongst the neighbourhood. One night Freddie's house catches on fire and Freddie is engulfed in the flames.

The next day a police office...

What do Freddie and Joe have in common

MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Freddie Mercury: Can anybody find me somebody to love?

**Freddie Saturn:** If you like it then you shoulda put a ring around it.

A journalist once asked Freddie Mercury what he wanted.

The question was: "you say you want to break free, you want to ride your bicycle, you want to make a supersonic man out of me... What do you want at the end?"

He answered : "I want it all and I want it now."

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

What does a deaf Freddie Mercury get?

Hearing aids

If Freddie Mercury transmitted HIV to someone...

...Was it considered Mercury poisoning?

A young Freddie Mercury walks into a music class

Music Teacher: "What instrument do you play?"

Freddie: "The crowd."

Music Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Freddie: "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

Music Class:"AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOO"

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant

Michael Brown, Freddie Gray...

The police really don't like colored people.

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

Freddie goes to Macy's to buy a bra for his wife

At the counter, the saleswoman asks, "what's your wife's bra size?"
Freddie replies, "6 7/8"
Saleswoman says, "6 7/8? What kind of bra size is that?"
Freddie: I don't know, I measured them with my hat."

What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese Outlaw have in common?

Raw men took 'em both out.

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

Talking Chicken (my original twist)

A guy goes into a bar with a chicken. The bartender of course says, “What’s up with the chicken? We don’t allow chickens in here.“

The guy says “it’s okay, Freddie’s a talking chicken!“

The bartender says “yeah sure pal. If that chicken can talk, I’ll give you all the free beer you wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are hanging out at a bar, when one asks the other...

“Mate, if somebody gave you ten million dollars to have sex with Freddie Mercury, would you do it?

The other man, who is gay, says “I see no downside.”

The first man said: “Dude, Freddie Mercury died in 1991.”

The other one replied, “Exactly.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early...

...and he catches his wife in bed with another man.

In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.

He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.

The next day when his best friends visits ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God-damn eggs

It's early in the morning, and Johnny, who's ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he's going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing *ever*, and asks,

"Really??? That's soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?"

Johnny whispers "I'm go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fastest thing...

Science teacher asks the kids, what is the fastest thing they know.

Timmy: Electricity!

Teacher: Why? Tell us?

Timmy: Whenever I press the light switch in my room, it takes less than a second to be on.

Teacher: Good example Timmy.


Fred: A lightning!

Teac...

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

Theory of Jumping Fleas

A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.

This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texan's three daughters have a date tonight...

(This joke is especially good live with you miming the actions and doing onomatopoeia - )
A Texan's triplet daughters are going to their first date tonight, so he stands behind their door waiting for their dates to show up.

The first guy arrives, opens the door, and the Texan's cocke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

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