UPJOKE
carrollthompsonbennettholmescodyellisharrisonbrucewebbrichardsdawsoncrawfordandersonjenningstyler

Carson Jokes

Best joke from Carson’s couch

Caller: Fluffy just died

Brother: what’s the matter with you!
You know I loved that cat.
You should have prepared me for it. Today you could have said Fluffy is on the roof and we can’t get her down. then tomorrow you could tell me she fell.
The next day you could say Fluffy is at ...

A Johnny Carson joke I've never forgotten.

One of those memories that are shrapnel from another time.

Johnny: Boy, it's really cold outside.

Audience: HOW COLD IS IT!?

Johnny: Well it's so cold... I saw a flasher describe himself to someone.

Joke Johnny Carson slipped by the censors

I'm not sure if this was an original Carson joke or one he could have borrowed:

One night Johnny got to talking about his Nebraska roots and he told this alleged true story during a sketch scene. Johnny mentioned that the most fearsome Indian tribe were not the Sioux, nor the Apache or even ...

Dangerfield on Carson: : "One night my wife went out and her car was stolen"

"I asked her 'did you see what he looked like?' She said, 'no but I got the license plate number.'"

Johhny Carson 1973 timely joke

"There is an acute shortage of toilet paper in the good old United States."

Mrs. Olson walks in (Coffee Commercial Icon) with her shopping and says: "forget the coffee just give me the shopping bag."

My son, Carson, asked me where he got his name

I told him, "well you were conceived in the backseat of my car, so you're our car-son"

Say what you want about Ben Carson the politician, but Ben Carson the person is truly inspiring.

He really opened a lot of young minds!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

My friend Carson asked why I only use a step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

What is more problematic than Ben Carson's dining set?

Trump's cabinet.

[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?

He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.

Ben Carson is going to be our next president.

Cause once you go black, you never go back.

You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

I have a friend named Arson!

His name is actually Carson, but we call him that because he’s blind

"In downtown Burbank today, it was so hot..."

*How hot was it?*

"I saw a fire hydrant flagging down a dog..."

RIP Johnny Carson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LONG: Border Patrol at the Ranch (Cursing)

Once, my Grandfather and I were outside working on a tractor when a Border Patrol Agent comes screaming up the road to a sliding stop right in front of the barn.

A short little man gets out and walks up to Granddad and says, "Sir. I'm Officer Carson. We've had a report that you are using ille...

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital

His dad named him Carson.

What do you call a male baby from the Cars universe?

Carson

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

What's the difference between love and lust?

"About two-hundred dollars." - Johnny Carson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 3rd grade teacher...

Prepares her 9 year olds for a writing class.

Teacher: “class we will be learning how to write without lifting your pencil off the paper!”

Little Johnny: “I know how to do that!”

Teacher: “You know how to write without lifting off the page!”

Little Johnny : “Yes ma’am t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump visits NASA...

He called a meeting of all the top scientists and department heads. As a staffer called for quiet, everyone took a seat and Trump stepped up to the lectern and began speaking.

"I'm very happy to be here with the fine people of NASA today. Very happy. As you know, during my campaign I promised...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a young couple...

Once there was a young couple who were very much in love.The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.