Joke Johnny Carson slipped by the censors

I'm not sure if this was an original Carson joke or one he could have borrowed:

One night Johnny got to talking about his Nebraska roots and he told this alleged true story during a sketch scene. Johnny mentioned that the most fearsome Indian tribe were not the Sioux, nor the Apache or even ...

My son, Carson, asked me where he got his name

I told him, "well you were conceived in the backseat of my car, so you're our car-son"

My friend Carson asked why I only use a step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

I have a friend named Arson!

His name is actually Carson, but we call him that because he’s blind

Say what you want about Ben Carson the politician, but Ben Carson the person is truly inspiring.

He really opened a lot of young minds!

You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

What is more problematic than Ben Carson's dining set?

Trump's cabinet.

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?

He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.

"In downtown Burbank today, it was so hot..."

*How hot was it?*

"I saw a fire hydrant flagging down a dog..."

RIP Johnny Carson

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

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A 3rd grade teacher...

Prepares her 9 year olds for a writing class.

Teacher: “class we will be learning how to write without lifting your pencil off the paper!”

Little Johnny: “I know how to do that!”

Teacher: “You know how to write without lifting off the page!”

Little Johnny : “Yes ma’am t...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

I saw a sign that said "Wood Fired Pizza" and thought

Wood fired pizza? How's pizza gonna get a job now?

(Joke by CallMeCarson)

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Trump visits NASA...

He called a meeting of all the top scientists and department heads. As a staffer called for quiet, everyone took a seat and Trump stepped up to the lectern and began speaking.

"I'm very happy to be here with the fine people of NASA today. Very happy. As you know, during my campaign I promised...

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I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.

One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital

His dad named him Carson.

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

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LONG: Border Patrol at the Ranch (Cursing)

Once, my Grandfather and I were outside working on a tractor when a Border Patrol Agent comes screaming up the road to a sliding stop right in front of the barn.

A short little man gets out and walks up to Granddad and says, "Sir. I'm Officer Carson. We've had a report that you are using ille...

What happened to the criminal who was caught in the capital of Nevada

He was inCarsonated

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There was once a young couple...

Once there was a young couple who were very much in love.The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with the ...

What's the difference between love and lust?

"About two-hundred dollars." - Johnny Carson

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

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