Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.
It's all baroque now.
There's a man on my doorstep delivering a replacement bathroom fixture right now.
Let that sink in.
I was replacing a light fixture outside our front door when suddenly the electricity shorted through my screwdriver and made me drop it. My wife opened the door and said, "I turned on the light so you can see better while you're working."
I was too shocked to reply.
What's the difference between a pedant and a pendant?
One is generally hung from the ceiling and the other is a lighting fixture.
Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.
One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.
Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"
A hare responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A couple comes home to find their kitchen completely bare.
All their fixtures and appliances are missing. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door.
They open the door to find their oven waiting on the porch. It begins to speak, "I have come to life and have cooked you both your favourite meals!"
They let their now-living oven back into the hous...
Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were wor...
A man walks into a bar
The bartender says " What would you like son?" The man jumps up on the counter and starts unscrewing the bulbs from the fixtures. Bartender looks quizzically at man. Man says "Amstel light"
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:
Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...
The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,
"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"
The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.
"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...
A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub.
The bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The Newfie says, "Three pints of beer, please."
The bartender says, "Are you waiting for someone else?"
The Newfie says, "No, this is in honor of my two friends. We all took jobs on the mainland, and before we left we agreed that whenever we ...
A patient on the psych ward...
A patient on the psych ward is sitting in the day room reading a book. Above him, another patient has hung herself from the light fixture. A new orderly walks in, points to the patient hanging from the ceiling and shouts, "What's going on in here?!?" The patient looks up from his book and calmly sa...