How many flies does it take to screw in a light fixture?
Just two, but no one knows how they got in there.
Apparently all the bathroom fixtures in the Whitehouse are now gold.
I just heard the President likes gold in showers.
I thought the fixture was perfectly level,
but the wedge beneath proved to be a Sham!
My mom called me saying there were a couple of guys outside her home saying they have a plumbing fixture to drop off.
“They’re not trying to rob me?” she asked.
“No, it’s a gift from Uncle Bill to make up for all the mean things he did to you in the past.” I replied.
“Wait, after all these years, he’s actually trying to be nice to somebody? That’s an unexpected transformation! Our relationship might w...
Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.
It's all baroque now.
I was replacing a light fixture outside our front door when suddenly the electricity shorted through my screwdriver and made me drop it. My wife opened the door and said, "I turned on the light so you can see better while you're working."
I was too shocked to reply.
There's a man on my doorstep delivering a replacement bathroom fixture right now.
Let that sink in.
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, “I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America”.
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for ...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.
One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"
A hare responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.
One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.
Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...
Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:
Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...
Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were wor...
A man walks into a bar
The bartender says " What would you like son?" The man jumps up on the counter and starts unscrewing the bulbs from the fixtures. Bartender looks quizzically at man. Man says "Amstel light"
The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,
"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"
The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.
"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
Just heard 80's singer Enya has bought hew own Rugby Union team.
Their next 3 fixtures are now: Sale (A) Sale (A) Sale (A)
I work at an unusual restaurant......
The owner is woman name Lily who liked to drink a lot. She had the restaurant’s logo, the label from a bottle of vodka, drawn on everything. Chairs, tables, light fixtures, bathroom sinks, etc. They were everywhere! Worse yet, it was done with a #2 pencil. The weird owner would also keep all the lar...
A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub.
The bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The Newfie says, "Three pints of beer, please."
The bartender says, "Are you waiting for someone else?"
The Newfie says, "No, this is in honor of my two friends. We all took jobs on the mainland, and before we left we agreed that whenever we ...
A patient on the psych ward...
A patient on the psych ward is sitting in the day room reading a book. Above him, another patient has hung herself from the light fixture. A new orderly walks in, points to the patient hanging from the ceiling and shouts, "What's going on in here?!?" The patient looks up from his book and calmly sa...