Anchor Jokes - 48 Hilarious Anchor Jokes

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

Job interview for a TV news anchor

At a job interview for a TV news anchor an applicant seems very qualified and well suited for the job. But the recruiters notice an uncontrolled wink in the man's right eye. They tell him that he'd be great for the job if it wasn't for the frequent winking, which probably won't go down well with the...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

I guess they didn't appreciate me driving around Berlin with an anchor in my passenger seat.

They told me it was for boatin'

[First Date] Her: Why are you talking to me like I’m a news anchor?

Me: I always do that when I’m nervous. Now back to you Jennifer.

A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do th...

Why did the electrician become a news anchor?

He's always had a knack for current events.

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A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station

A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.

He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.

The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."

T...

A grizzled old sea captain decided to test one of his recent recruits.

“Let’s say you see a storm heading your way off the starboard side. What would you do?”

“I would throw out an anchor, sir,” said the deckhand confidently.

“All right,” said the captain. “Then let’s say a second storm was coming in from your port side. Then what would you do?”

Th...

TV Anchor and A Shapherd

TV Anchor to a Shapherd: "What do you feed your goat?"

Shepherd: "Which one, the black or the white?"

Anchor: "hmm! The black one"

Shepherd: "Grass"

Anchor: "And the white one?"

Shepherd: "Also Grass"

Anchor: "How do you bathe them?"

Shepherd: "Which ...

You hear about the anchored float who only employed his mates?

Jobs for the buoys

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What do you call a news anchor with diarrhea?

Anderson Pooper

Where was the captain sent after he hit another ship?

Anchor management

What’s the best first name for a news anchor that breaks a lot of big stories?

This: Justin.

A man and his blond wife were watching the news when a story came on about a plane crash.

The news anchor said that six Brazilian soccer players were on the plane and none of them survived. The wife started crying uncontrollably. The man was very concerned and asked his wife why she was so upset. She replied, "I don't know how many a brazillion is, but it sure sounds like a lot!"

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

What's the difference between CNN and the Titanic?

The Titanic had all of its anchors when it sank

A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.

The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."

Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen

There were two avid sailors

who were proud of their well-kept boats (the "Tuning Fork"
and the "Robert Frost", respectively). In all ways they were evenly matched as able sailors except when it came to braiding rope. Not that the Tuning fork’s captain’s braids were deficient, but the other had a flair when it came to bra...

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Black or white goat

TV ANCHOR INTERVIEWING A FARMER.

Anchor: what do you feed your goats?
Farmer: black one or white one?

Anchor: white one...
Farmer: grass.

Anchor: and black one??
Farmer: i give her grass too?

Anchor: where do they sleep?
Farmer: which one, black or white?
<...

A man is watching the news

and the news anchor says that a gorilla has escaped the local zoo. Crikey the man thinks to himself as he spots a gorilla in his garden tree. He calls the zoo who send an animal catcher to come get the gorilla. He rolls into the driveway in a large van. He opens the van door and inside he has a poli...

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An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

Why were the pirates on the ship fighting?

They needed better anchor management.

A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news

A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news, the anchor is showing a video of a girl threatening to jump off a cliff. The guy turns to the Blonde and says "I bet you $500 she jumps" "you're on" the Blonde replies.

2 minutes later the girl jumps and dies.

As she is pulling mo...

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

News anchor: So what will you do with the money?

The graduate: I will pay off my student loans.

News anchor: And what will you do with the rest?

The graduate: They'll have to wait...

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Three generals were sitting on a battleship.

Three generals, one from the army, one from the navy, and one from the marines, were sitting on the deck of a battleship, having a drink after a long day of drills. They get into a debate about which company had the braver soldiers. So the navy captain calls to one of his cadets, “Private!! I wan...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".

Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

What happened when the reporter fell into the water?

She became an anchor...

Two men go hunting...

Carl and Miles are strolling through thick woods on the way to their cabin, when they come up on a strange, deep hole in the ground. "That's weird, you see that?", says Carl. "Yea, I wonder how deep it is..." Miles replies. Carl grabs a small rock and tosses it down the hole. Seconds go by, and no s...

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way e...

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota....

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and ...

What does a ship weigh when she leaves for a journey?

Anchor.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

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Welcome to the eleven 'o clock news

I am your anchor Francis FullOfFrenchPeople. In today's highlights, a group of scientists were hospitalized when a monkey they had been running tests on in a lab got violent and started throwing flaming feces at them They were said to have suffered Turd Debris Burns.

NASA sends a redneck and a chimpanzee to the moon.

When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-

1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL l...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by...

It's time for some Tern Jokes!

* A group of sea-birds flew over Amsterdam.
No tern was left unstoned.

* Frans just opened up his new Deli and was doing quite well. People came in from miles around to buy his sausages and meats, and they never left unsatisfied. One day a man walks in and orders a pound of sausage. Fran...

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past...

Three old admirals

After a tour of the nation's newest carriers and submarine,the three admirals got together to make small talk where it got to the topic of their wives.

"I'm a three star admiral and when we get rubbing together, it takes me up to half mast and need to play 'anchors aweigh' to get full. So i...

Jesus vs The Sea

Jesus after just been crucified reappears to his disciples to tell them for their kindness he will grant them a single wish before he ascends into heaven.
The disciples gather together to confer and after much discussion Peter says "Can you do that walking on water thing again?" "It looked pretty...

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